Serious Conversations

How far are you willing to go to have a family? It's an important question to discuss with your partner when you start infertility treatments. It's important to be on the same page. Homme InFertile and I had that discussion... we were responsible in that regard, but it turns out... he forgot.

He forgot we had drawn a line in the sand... he forgot that we initially said 3 IVF transfers, which changed to 4 once our first retrieval had a low yield. He forgot that our next transfer would be our last.

So it's no surprise that me mentioning our last kick at the can and moving on came as a bit of a blow to him. It felt out of the blue... but it wasn't.

This whole discussion came out of our planning for our next FET (frozen embryo transfer). Since we are moving to Houston in a few short weeks, we have to put our TTC journey on hold for a moment before re-convening. First we'll have to get settled in our new hometown, then I go on a girls trip to Europe (lucky me), and then finally when I'm back we can re-group and re-focus.

But I'm naturally a planner, and I wanted to discuss now what our path will look like. I am half tempted to go see Dr. Braverman to get a full immune panel done. But this comes at a price. After looking into it, and going back and forth quite unsuccessfully via email with an intake coordinator, I was feeling a little apprehensive about the 3k price tag... and that doesn't even include out of pocket test costs. Ugh. Plus I'm fortunate my RE is willing to do an immune protocol without the tests to warrant it. So that's a lot of money that we prefer not to spend if we don't have to. Plus, it's money we don't exactly have at the moment with Homme InFertile having been unemployed the last few months.

So anyways, I wanted Homme InFertile and I to be on the same page with deciding whether to get all this information prior to our last transfer or not in the interest of giving ourselves the absolute best possible chance of a positive result. So it was within this discussion that are misunderstanding blossomed into an emotional and heartbreaking discussion about when to give up. When to admit defeat. When to walk away and turn our backs on our unborn biological children.

We had to let that sink in. We may never have our own biological children. The odds seem to be not in our favour. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

So we talked about a lot of things. My feelings of inadequacy, my fears of him turning his back on me, my fear of him resenting me, his fear that he's not enough for me, his feelings of being stuck - unable to move forward, my fear that I'd resent him if he weren't ready to adopt... the list goes on and on. As you can imagine. These aren't easy topics. We were emotionally and mentally drained, but it was a very positive discussion. Being on the same page is so incredibly important to coping with the stresses of infertility.

Anyways, I'm now looking in to Dr. Kwak-Kim who takes more insurance, while at the same time seeing if my current RE can send us for DQ-Alpha matching tests. We'll likely go on prednisone regardless, but part of me just really wants to understand why this is all happening. Plus, if we're a double match nothing we do will necessarily help us get pregnant other than surrogacy or donor sperm who doesn't match me DQ-Alpha wise....

Food for thought...