New Site! Find me there!

So I'm finally making the changeover to a new site. Yay! I've loved this site, it gave me an outlet, a voice when I felt I had none, but the time has come to move away from the "Femme InFertile" name and embrace positivity. I AM fertile, I am more than my infertility, and I refuse to continue to let it define me. So in honour of our upcoming FET I really want to do away with any negative connotations and a fresh start with a new name felt like a perfect opportunity.

If you've been reading my blog you'll know I have a YouTube Channel, so this is really just linking it all together. I hope you'll continue to follow along with our journey over there! Thanks so much for joining us thus far!

https://liv4todaysite.wordpress.com/

YouTube Vlog

Hey guys, so as some of you know, I've been vlogging on my YouTube Channel so others can follow along with the journey. I still plan to write here now and then, but in terms of updates and what is happening on day to day, that's the best place to find me. It became a bit too much to do it all super consistently, but I do what I can. You can also find me on Instagram @liv4todayvlog !

Here are my three most recent videos:

100th Post - Grateful for Infertility... Hear me out...

Wow... 100 posts. When I think about that number... and think about the span of time it covers, I feel slightly saddened. I had hoped by now I'd have welcomed a beautiful little baby of my own into this world. Or perhaps at least was expecting one soon! But here, 100 posts later, I'm not much further from where I started.

Infertility is an interesting beast. And I think "beast" is an appropriate word to describe it. It's scary, it's enormous, it's powerful in its own right, and it sure as heck is unpleasant. Odd thing is, I felt doomed to experience this path long before we started trying. I can't explain that adequately to those who've never had an overwhelming gut instinct or premonition about something. But I did, and it knocked me to the ground that day. Nonetheless, I could never have imagined how consuming it would really be. How crippling, how isolating, how devastating, and how utterly frustrating the experience would feel. I also never could have imagined how much I'd learn and grow in the process.

See today is U.S. thanksgiving, and in tradition I pause to reflect on what I'm most thankful for. This is one of the first years I can place infertility and grateful in the same sentence, because in a strange way, I AM grateful for my infertility. I am, and I mean that so truthfully. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy, and I sure as heck would like to come out the other side now, but what I have gained in the process I'd never want to take back.

I'm Grateful for Better Health
Since I can remember I've struggled with my health. I was chronically fatigued, major food sensitivities that came with bloating and constipation... I had insanely painful spells where I'd be on the bathroom floor sobbing dripping in sweat trying not to vomit from abdominal cramps. Normal painkillers wouldn't help... narcotics only slightly. I'd leave social engagements and be accused of being a hypochondriac or drama queen. Sadly, I was actually chronically ill, and it sucked. Only in my university years when I became sexual active and subsequently found that intercourse was painful for me, did a diagnosis of endometriosis get tossed around. Without an openness or willingness to have diagnostic surgery, I ignored it... hoped they were wrong, that it would simply go away or magically get better on it's on. When we started trying for a family and discovered it wasn't going to be easy for us, I finally opted to make the necessary lifestyle changes to up our odds. I sought out acupuncture, naturopathy, food intolerance testing, and made substantial changes to diet. Years into our fertility journey, during a routine biopsy cells indicative of endometriosis were found, and our suspicions officially confirmed. That was the moment I started taking it even more seriously. I followed up with allergy testing (spoiler alert - I'm allergic to everything), and started making my health a priority. Now, I'm more vibrant than I ever remember being. I have more energy, I have a better appetite and all around just feel MUCH healthier. I can't say I'd be here if it weren't for this journey.

I'm Grateful for Perspective & Empathy
Ignorance is bliss isn't it? When you aren't subjected to certain experiences in your time on earth, you have the privilege of turning a blind eye. You don't have to imagine what it would be like. You probably couldn't do justice in your imagination if you tried in most instances. Cancer? PTSD? Infertility? It may be surprising, or sound unjustified to put those three together, but many experienced psychologists have drawn comparisons between them. They break you down into little pieces, and its up to you to decide to fight through it or not.... whether or when and how you will try to put those pieces back together again. And trying doesn't always lead to success. Sometimes it's outside our control... outside our capabilities. Having gone through infertility, having experienced it personally, and deeply, I've gained a tremendous amount of perspective. All those questions I used to see as perfectly acceptable, no longer made sense to me. Flaunting my successes or happinesses on social media, not so satisfying knowing it could cause others pain. It doesn't just apply to infertility. I won't ask people the age old questions like "so when are you popping the question/getting married?" for how am I to know if marriage is something they even believe in, or want? "When are you going to start having kids!?" An infertile staple I've become so sensitive to from the personal experience of being there in that moment, at a party surrounded by people I don't know, trying to choke back the flood of tears boiling beneath the surface. I know how it feels to have to excuse myself early because I feel so embarrassed, so uncomfortable, so much a failure in society's eyes. In my own eyes. Instead, I choose to carry myself through those interactions and life with compassion, and without assumption.

Research has shown that women with infertility have the same levels of anxiety and depression as do women with cancer, heart disease and HIV+ status. While this may surprise some, it actually makes sense. Procreation is the strongest instinct in the animal kingdom. You are facing genetic and social pressure to have a baby. You are likely surrounded by friends, family, neighbors, co-workers and a society who conceive easily. Infertility can be very lonely.

- Resolve: Coping with the Stress of Infertility 

I could probably list others.... grateful for my relationship's truest test... and passing with flying colors! I am grateful for the community I've found in women going through infertility and the relationships forged in the trenches. I am grateful for my spiritual journey through which I've also learned that these lessons and this idea of gratitude extend beyond the boundaries of infertility. My mind and heart are so much more open than they used to be. If I could go back and magically change my journey would I? I'm not so sure anymore, because I wouldn't be where I am today, wouldn't be who I am today... and I happen to like the me I am.

To all of you out there still struggling with accepting your journey, still working through the pain, the depression, the sadness. Let yourself grieve. Love yourself. Take breaks. Remember you are MORE than your infertility. But above all, learn to be grateful. Learn to find gratitude in your life wherever you can find it. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be blessed with some positive shifts as a result.

Blessings to you all. And good luck ;) I know we could all use a little extra of that too!
Much love.
Liv

Slowing Ramping Up

So been in contact with the clinic these last few days, sorting out a few final details about the plan and scheduling our call with the financial coordinator.

I'm really nervous for that call, which will actually fall on Halloween, simply because we aren't sure what our coverage will look like under this new insurance plan. So basically, we will be going over the covered expenses, and things that will be out of pocket. Hopefully the former will be the majority, but we'll have to wait and see.

At some point, we'll also have to get all the meds ordered which I'm terrified about. Meds cost so much and so far our coverage hasn't been the best. Boo. So we'll see what that turns out to be. I have a weird feeling it's going to be higher than past cycles especially since we're on all sorts of immune meds and they'll be coded for infertility likely and not immune related since we're not working with an RI (Reproductive Immunologist).

That aside, good news is our lovely friends back in New York have offered up their home for us to come stay at. We are definitely planning on taking them up on that, as it will immensely save on the cost of the cycle. It also alleviates a lot of stress too surrounding timelines since with IVF and FETs you never really know your dates for certain... It's all very fluid and changing, so when you have to be going with the flow it makes booking accommodating a bit tricky. Anyhoo, glad that's sorted as we don't even know our rough dates at this point.

I DO know that I need to start looking into where I'll get my intralipids done. Since I need to do one infusion 20 days prior to transfer, and a second one 10 days before transfer, it'll be best if I can find a place that will do it here in Texas. Otherwise I may have to fly out for the first one, come back to Texas, and then fly out for second one and probably just stay out there at that point. Even so, if I do that, it'll be almost 3 weeks that I'm in NY for, which isn't ideal. Need to figure out what to do about our dog. Eek.

Finally we feel like we're getting moving again though which is nice, so I'm glad to be back "in the game" so to speak. I have a pretty rigorous plan for our upcoming FET just diet wise and the "additional" things we're going to try like brazil nuts etc, so we're really hoping this is the one. Plus, not being home and around my dog which I'm allergic to, may be just what this little embaby needs to stick around.

Feelin' Hot Hot Hot

So it's still hot hot here in Texas... and not just because of the weather. ;) I've been having some serious hot flashes these last few days in particular. I'll literally be lying in bed with a hoodie since I have AC up so high, then the next moment I'm all but flinging my hoodie off myself, kicking off all the covers and fanning myself to cool down. Menopause hot flashes aint no joke let me tell you.

I thought I was having some, but these flashes recently have shown me just what a hot flash truly is. Good times. Wouldn't be so much an issue if I were still up in Canada where in my prior home of Alberta it has already snowed, but I'm in hot and humid Texas now. I don't exactly need help staying warm when it's in the 90s.

Insomnia seems to be improving slightly. It could be because I was so incredibly busy these last few days that I genuinely was exhausted falling into bed. We had friends in town and had them over for dinner and some good old fashion card game fun... while watching the Jays vs. Indians game. Then we went to the Renaissance Festival the next day in the blistering heat and walked around all day. We could barely stay up until 8pm haha. I feel like I've recovered now but hoping I beat insomnia for good. Cross your fingers for me ;)

I also have had breakthrough bleeding for the last week. Hoping it goes away eventually which other ladies in my support groups have assured me.... well other than that one woman who has had breakthrough bleeding every single day of the last few months. She didn't give me much hope haha, but trying to ignore her and focus on all the other women who only had it the first month. God I hope I'm in their group, not the former. All I can say is I'm super stoked I invested in large THINX panty collection. Phew, they sure are coming in handy.

Otherwise not much to report on. I've been giving myself reiki treatments, in particular around the reproductive organs. It's funny because if you've ever trained in reiki you know you can actually sense the energy and heat (or lack there of) and my ovaries etc. are fully shut down. Obviously this is what is supposed to happen on Lupron Depot, but still a bit unsettling. 

Energy Gone. Poof. Vanished.

Oh good golly.... I cannot believe that it was only two weeks ago that I had my Lupron Depot injection. Ugh. Knowing that this is going to last months is pretty discouraging, but hopefully all worthwhile in the end I suppose.

Truth be told, I chose to be on the medication, so I have a hard time complaining about it. I made the decision believing it was the best one for me, even having been forewarned of the side effects, so I really can't say I have any regrets. It just doesn't make the symptoms any easier to cope with.

My insomnia is pretty awful. Have a very very hard time falling asleep, I'm sleeping a bit better in the night but crazy bizarre dreams and tossing and turning a bit, but I wake up at the slightest disturbance, so once hubby is up, so am I (and he gets up eeeeeearly).

I'm not sure if it's just the insomnia causing my fatigue but I have like zero energy overall. I feel like a zombie. I feel very foggy and slow. A bit like when you have the flu, but I obviously am not sick. Actually... feels like the flu in a lot of ways really... the aches.... the hot flashes... Oh well.

Otherwise I'm just hanging tight at the moment. I flip flop between whether I should be getting surgery or not, but I have to believe that we made the right decision, and if this doesn't work, then surgery it is. We have to take the long game approach, but no more delays or breaks now.

I guess that's partly why I haven't been blogging much. Not much to tell ya. Oh... hoping to give the Autoimmune Paleo Approach a try. I have a few books.... we'll see. It might be pretty tough especially since I don't eat meat/pork. I've been putting it off but need to get my ass in gear. Any tips be sure to let me know! <3

On that note, gonna go make a fresh green juice.
Ciao for now!

Lupron Side Effects

Oh good golly miss molly... Lupron = no fun at all. So yesterday I was getting the full flood of the emotional side effects and then last night and today I'm having the physical ones starting up.

Lupron Depot Symptom 1 - STOMACH ACHE
So my stomach is a gurgling mess. TMI alert but generally my "system" doesn't flow too regular... now its the opposite problem. I feel constantly mildly nauseous.

Lupron Depot Sympton 2 - INSOMNIA
So was super tired... yet I could NOT for the life of me, fall asleep last night. Nor could I stay asleep. I was a tossing turning mess. Couldn't sleep in either. So the cycle continues with me being very tired today.

Lupron Depot Symptom 3 - NASAL CONGESTION
Okay, so I have allergies and have recently seen a massive shift in the volume of my nasal congestion. I have basically had none (between allergy shots, and an air purifier). Yet as of yesterday, more so today, I have a serious stuffy nose going on. I did a quick search and it doesn't seem to be correlated, but I'm including since everyone is different and I believe it has had this affect on me. I'll update if it turns out I have a cold or something else random I can blame it on.

Lupron Depot Symptom 4 - HOT FLASHES
So far I don't mind this so much. I hate being cold... so I'm not too bothered. Ask me in a few weeks.

Lupron Depot Symptom 5 - CLAMMY SKIN
So my hands are now permanently clammy. They have a nice sheen to them constantly. Hubby won't so much want to hold my hand anymore. Maybe I should invest in a nice pair of pretty gloves?

So far that's all I'm experiencing that I can tell.... the symptom list from web md looks as follows so who knows what the future has in store for me... I'm particularly looking forward to facial hair. Ya that sounds fun... NOT.

• hot flashes (flushing)
• increased sweating
• night sweats
• chills
• clammy skin
• tiredness
• swelling of the ankles/feet
• increased urination at night
• mental/mood changes (e.g., depression, mood swings)
• dizziness
• injection site reactions (burning, redness, stinging, pain, bruising, swelling,abscess)
• acne
• increased growth of facial hair
• breakthrough bleeding in a female child during the first 2 months of Lupron Depot treatment
• weakness
• nausea
• diarrhea
• constipation
• stomach pain
• skin redness/itching/scaling
• joint or muscle pain
• vaginal itching or discharge
• breast swelling or tenderness
• testicle pain
• impotence
• loss of interest in sex
• sleep problems (insomnia)
• rash (including a painful rash with fever)
• memory problems
• blisters/sores
• facial swelling
• vaginitis
• weight gain
• headache

Batsh!t Crazy

Oh no.... so it begins. First I go to Starbucks and lose my sh!t at the woman for messing up my drink. Chalked it up to me being tired and not full awake yet. Fast forward to this afternoon and I literally turn into an angry mean warrior at Kroger. Homme InFertile had a serious look of fear on his face. Walk out to our car and burst into tears apologizing. Proceed to come home and once again in comfy clothes am a bright ray of sunshine.. until I cry again.

Holy hell.... this is one roller coaster. Lupron Depot... you and I are friends off. And yet... you're in my system for the next who knows how many months. I blame you ENDOMETRIOSIS. Hmm. Good times... gooooood tiiiiimmmmes.

CD3 Lupron Vlog

Hey guys...

Youtube channel is up and running and we've posted our first few videos. Subscribe and follow along!

Most recent video is of hubby and me tackling the ginormous Lupron Depot Injection. Spoiler alert: hurt like a b!&@#.  My arm was so sore I could barely sleep that night. Feeling a bit better today thank goodness.

So now we wait. Looks like I'll start meds etc. at the end of November, so a full few months of nothingness now. Hurry up and wait. Thus far I don't have any symptoms. Although I was super emotional/angry this morning when they messed up my green tea latte at Starbucks... so maybe that's a lie. Time will tell haha.

Frustrations

Okay really!?!?!?

So I go in for remote monitoring (US/BW) early this morning to get checked for the all clear for my Lupron Depot Injection which will basically put my body into a menopausal state (aka hormone crazy time, bone loss, aches, and no more reproductive cycle hoping to stall endo). Great. All goes well, I pay the $300 out of pocket (ugh) and then proceed to wait for my clinic to call with the results once they're forwarded.

I wait and wait.... no email/call. So finally at 3pm I email to follow up. I'm an hour behind NY so that's still 4pm and an hour before their end of day.. should be plenty of time...

They respond almost immediately asking where I had blood drawn. I immediately reply with all their info. Hmm... maybe it didn't get sent automatically.... good thing I followed up. 10 minutes later I get an email with my results saying I'm cleared to inject.

Okay... so I email back right away.... Does this mean that I inject today? Respond immediately simply
"yes!"

Alright so I've got my answer that I'm clear and approved to inject, and then instructions to do so today... but where?? I open the container and it says intramuscular... should I do it in the arm? the thigh? the butt? It says to be determined by doctor. So I email again... we're talking immediately (it's now 3:25 my time). No response.

I wait 30 min. 4pm I email again to follow up... they're going to be leaving for the day and I don't know how or where to inject this frickin thing!!!!!!

...no answer...

Finally at 530 my time I receive an answer. Do it the same as your hcg trigger intramuscularly.

So fine... technically this is answering my question. Sort of. But this is a stressful thing giving injections, making sure it's on the right day, doing in the right spot etc. Had they taken an extra moment when giving me the go ahead to do the injection, it would have been nice to either receive a phone call to let me know to go ahead, if there was a specific time, where to inject etc, and provide an opportunity for questions. But they're busy, I get it. So maybe don't respond just YES. Maybe take an extra few seconds and type out a response that includes instructions and maybe even if the mood strikes a dash of encouragement. It could be a simple copy and paste response as follows:

"We have reviewed your blood work and ultrasound from earlier today and you have been cleared to go ahead with your Lupron Depot Injection. This is to be done anytime from now to end of day. This is an intramuscular injection and should be done in the arm muscle. This is similar to that of the HCG trigger injection. Should you wish to refer to the video, you can do so here. If you have any questions or concerns just let us know, we are here until 5pm EST."

Anyways... maybe I'm overreacting, it's possible... I am PMSing after all, but I mean come on! We infertiles have enough stress going to appointments, billing, insurance, simply BEING INFERTILE, that we don't need the stress of lack of communication from doctors who just expect us to know things, thrown on top of it all.


UGh. Rant over.

Appointment Tomorrow

Wow... so it's happening... things are getting underway again and I'm feeling a bucket of emotions. Excitement to be starting another cycle. Impatience that this cycle will take so long. Apprehension at the drug I'll be taking (Lupron). Anticipation of what to expect with the other drugs along the way. Butterflies at the possibility that this cycle could work. Fear that it won't. It's like a smorgasbord of emotions, most of which aren't pleasant. One of which.... hope... drives it.

So tomorrow I go in for remote monitoring at a clinic here in Texas. They just need to make sure I don't have any cysts and that my bloodwork (hormone levels) looks good before proceeding with Lupron injection. Costs $300 out of pocket for one measly appointment. Boo hiss.

Then once my doc has a look at my results I'll (or Homme InFertile will) administer the injection. And then we wait...

So if all goes well, looks like I'd be starting the meds for this cycle November 30th with transfer slated for December 15th. Fingers crossed all goes according to plan. Who knows how my body will respond. Eek. We just need to decide if I'll do monitoring locally here in Texas, or if I'll go to New York for a few weeks. 

Waiting on CD1

So here we go again... sorta... in a new kind of way I guess. This next cycle I will be taking my first ever Lupron Depot shot. It is an injection that puts your body into a state of menopause basically and is thought to calm the uterine lining and any inflammation that may be present. Sounds promising but of course who knows if it's my winning ticket or not.

Unfortunately we have to wait and try and see when CD1 comes... see it's all about timing because the shot is a 3 month injection and then we set up for a Frozen Embryo Transfer and this all seems to align very close to Christmas... and of course there are clinic closures etc.

So we wait and see. If not this month, possibly next or at worst the one after that. I'm not tied to any of these timelines, I no longer feel this sense of urgency. I'm in no rush to go through all of the ups and downs again, but I AM ready.

I've been questioning a lot lately whether or not I should be getting a lap first (for endo). What I came to the decision of, was that surgery is risky, and if Lupron could work, why not try it first. But then you ask yourself, "but what if a lap is the answer and I'm unneccessarily wasting good embryos?"... but truth be told if I did lap, I might be asking the same thing of if I did Lupron. So let's just say that it's a coin toss. I have to be okay with the idea that BOTH may be part of my future. And that one vs. the other isn't going to make a difference. I have to just trust my gut and go with it.

I met with a beautiful (inside and out) woman off one of my support forums (Hi if you're reading this!) who encouraged me to follow my gut. She like so many others I've chatted with have been around the block just as long or longer than myself. Maybe not always in years passed, but in tests, and procedures and cycles etc. I just wish we could all have our happily ever afters. But it was nice to meet someone face to face and feel like I was understood. When my food came and it had cheese on it she immediately knew that I needed to send it back. See dairy for immune or endo girls is a no no. She didn't even need to know that I was also allergic to know that I shouldn't be having it. That's a refreshing experience, as small as it might seem.

Anyways... as I write this I am filled with hope, fear, anxiety, anxiousness and excitement over the prospect of getting back on the horse so to speak. The countdown is on... well as soon as CD1 appears I guess.

Resolve's Hope Award - Best Blog Nominee

Wow. Just WOW WOW WOW!

So very honoured that this here blog, Femme InFertile, was selected as a nominee from over 200 submissions for Resolve's Hope Award - Best Blog! So cool.

http://www.resolve.org/vote

Listen, infertility is no cake walk, and giving back in a little way to the community by sharing my story so openly is the least I feel I can do. I really would love to do more, but for now, I do what I can, and what I do best is write about it, talk about it, and above all be open about it. So I guess really blogging is just as much for the blogger as it is for the reader, hey? In my case that's true at least.

That being said, I really am truly so very passionate about speaking up on what infertiles deal with each and every moment of each and every day. I love this excerpt from an NBC News article:

"The longer the process drags on, the more uncomfortable they tend to become talking about it to other people. “Even in well-meaning attempts to make you feel better, people say something that makes you feel worse,” says James Grifo, M.D., director of the New York University Fertility Center in New York City. “Isolation is a defense mechanism against overload. It isn’t necessarily a good thing, but it’s what infertility patients do to protect themselves.”

And it's absolutely true. Opening up isn't for everyone. Nor are support groups or counselling/therapy. Each person going through infertility has a unique journey. No two journeys are alike. Trust me, I'm part of many communities and although we draw similarities here and there, there are always different factors at play. So just like those journeys are not the same, the way we cope and deal with it naturally aren't either. And they can evolve along the way too! Nothing is constant in this life.

Listen, I'll be frank, I personally think stewing in your sadness is a horrible idea... especially alone. Made worse only by the fact that those around you are not even granted the opportunity to show compassion and sensitivity towards you. Case in point, the bright eyed young pregnant co-worker next to you complains about the baby kicking...

But I'm also not ignorant to the fact that opening up to those around you brings its own perfect sh!t-storm of fun. You know how it is... there's always a type.

The Uneducated Well-Meaning Advice Giver:
"just relax and it'll happen" - you try to relax when giving yourself daily injections, having massive debt, and dealing with a revolving door of dissapointment. But sure, I'll just relax.

"have you tried accupuncture?" - no actually, I've been living in a bubble and haven't done any research on things to try... 

"You should just adopt" - because we all know having a biologically child that you carry in your own womb and birth into this world is the same experience to adoption. NOT. Can they be equally rewarding experiences? Sure... at least those who have adopted have told me so. But it's still not the same experience, and a person wanting one over the other is valid. 

The Overnight Seer:
"I know you're going to be a mom, trust me, I just know" - oh doooo youuuuuuu? Willing to bet your first born on that statement? Didn't think so.

"It'll happen. You're meant to be a mother." - oh good... because if I wasn't it wouldn't. *head scratch*

The Preachers:
"Maybe this is the universe's way of saying you're just not meant to be a mother." - oh good, because that 16 year old crack addict was higher up on the stork's list, ya that makes sense. 

"God has a plan." - Ya, well f*ck the plan.

Don't get me wrong. I am highly spiritual, and I do actually believe that everything happens for a reason, but not only is this incredibly unhelpful, it is also diminishing. Someone experiencing pain doesn't need to be reminded that this is their fate. They know it, they live it each and every day. Ugh. But as infertiles we have to remind ourselves that as hurtful as those interactions can be, more often than not, the person is well intentioned. They are doing what they think is helpful. Instead of just nodding and sweetly smiling, prepare yourself with some answers. I.e. "Actually, we've tried the whole relax thing, it didn't seem to work in our case, likely because we have actual medical reasons for not conceiving. Also new research has shown that stress has no impact on the ability to get pregnant." Of course, depending on the context, the person and the way you say it, it can always come off "cool", but it can also come off genuine and educational, or maybe you put your own funny spin on it like me. My husband and I like to joke around and we often laugh it off in public which tends to make people extremely uncomfortable. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Long and short of the point is that it took me a long time to get to a place where I felt safe and ready to share my story. I was quite open with people from the get-go compared to most, but the ugly truth side of our journey? Ya... left that for after the 2nd failed IVF. And that's when this blog was born.

So all I want to say to you my readers. I know you. I see you. I get you. I'm here... in the trenches with you. I don't have my happily ever after yet... maybe I will someday soon. Maybe you'll beat me to the finish line like so many others before you. But know that I'm rooting you on. I'm wishing you success on your journey, but I also know that some days its so hard to see any glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Hope is a fickle thing, but we women are born fighters. So month after month, failed treatment after failed treatment, we pick ourselves back up again. Why? Because we know what we want, and we'll do anything we can to get it, and we won't let anyone be ignorant to how f*cking hard it is.

ps. do me a solid and go give my blog a vote if you're enjoying.
http://www.resolve.org/vote

Cooking for my Cause

So if you're anything like me, you absolutely will do anything and everything to finally see those two double lines pop up on your HPT. The most recent trend worth trying I decided was the Autoimmune approach to eating. So, being the good little infertile I am, I obligingly bought two of the most standard "must have" resources for this.

The Autoimmune Paleo Cookbook by Mickey Trescott

and The Paleo Approach by Sarah Ballantyne

Of course I bought them about two months ago, flipped through them, and they've proceeded to sit on my counter unused. That being said I AM planning on using them, and have every intention of giving them a true effort, but I'm just not fully ready.

See as I settle into a new city, and absorb the fact that my third IVF failed, wondering if I'm destined to be an infertile forevermore, I decided I needed to be kinder to myself. This meant stopping the negative self-talk, the hate-on I had for my body, and in general, not restricting myself beyond what's necessary.

Right now we're "on a break" (oooooh... maybe I'll get pregnant.... NOT *insert eye roll*), so I'm letting myself cheat a little. If you've read my blog from the front end to the back end, which I'll admit is highly unlikely, you'll know I'm Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Egg-Free, Alcohol-Free and have recently eliminated red meat and pork. So "cheat" for me, really just means, ya I'm going to indulge in this gluten-free cookie that has a tiny big of egg white in it. Or sure, toss me one of those buckets of almond-milk peppermint dairy-free ice cream bite tubs full of sugar... and fully expect me to polish it off. But for now it's keeping me sane.

So when do I plan to start? Well... I definitely plan to give it a go as I begin my 3 month round of Lupron Depot. Not only am I anticipating feeling pretty crummy while on it, providing even more of a need for healthy eating, but also we are considering following up with an FET and I'd really love to give myself the best possible chance as usual.

Funny thing is, I think my body has been pretty happy on my diet as is for the most part. Sure I could do with more whole foods and less sugar and corn, but overall my body has made some major shifts since implementing the strict diets aforementioned. For example, my cycles! TMI alert... you'd been warned, but I used to spot for 7 days pre-menstrual cycle. 7 DAYS! That's a whole period before my period. So basically half the month I was bleeding out my hoo-ha. Fun right!? But lately I've been wondering if maybe, possibly I'm pregnant month after month because no... more... spotting. Of course, never ever have I been pregnant, so this is the hopeful naivety in me, but still very promising to see such a healthy shift in my cycle like that.

If I can feel even BETTER... well sign me up. Just give me a few more cookies first... 

Lupron Fears & Therapeutic Tears

So I just got off the phone with the pharmacy for my Lupron Depot 3 month injection. Ugh. Do you know how expensive those things are!? At least my insurance covered some of it, but then I did a bunch of bouncing around on the phone to get a very small, but also appreciated, co-pay assistance from the manufacturer. If you don't know what the Lupron Depot is, it's a treatment course for Endometriosis. It basically puts your body in a false state of menopause in the hopes of stalling the disease. It causes a lot of horrible side-effects, one of the most concerning for me is the very real bone loss effect. Need to up my calcium stat!

I'm in a great online forum and have support from ladies who've been on it before, but they do nothing to ease my fears. Everyone is different though, so we'll see how I do. Arrives tomorrow but no clue as to when I'm supposed to take it. Maybe CD1? How bizarre to live in a world where no one communicates anything and you really have to dig for all the resources and information yourself. So different in Canada from my experience. USA... figure it out!

Anyways, on a separate note, on of those mentioned ladies posted the following articles which caused tears to stream down my face. Sometimes it just feels good to be reminded that we're not alone in this journey, and that someone else understands. Infertility can be so isolating. I had a very frank talk with my friend who was just in town visiting, and we discussed it. How no one asks, and yet if they ask, it can be at such an inappropriate time. Or when they get an answer they don't know what to say. She admitted to it herself, and though she cares deeply she really doesn't know what to do. She tries, and I appreciate that much, but until you've lived it, I really don't think you get it.

So for you, my blog readers, a reminder that you too are not alone. That you're not the only one to not yet have their happily ever after, and not alone in worrying that day may never come. Hugs to you.

http://www.scarymommy.com/struggle-with-infertility-ttc/?utm_source=FB

- - -
ps. hope you like the new blog style, I got bored of my old one ;)

Long Conversations

So yesterday I had my phone consultation with Dr. Dulemba regarding laparoscopic surgery for my endometriosis. He's a funny character, and has a quirky sense of humor, but he is also incredibly knowledgeable and forthcoming with his opinions and what others may think of him. I found that refreshing, and makes me respect and trust him.

We had a long conversation about endo and about hormones and ways to go about "treating" it. I put quotations because really the only true treatment seems to be surgery, but there are certainly options to manage the disease as well. Nothing cures it.

So anyways, it was quite a scientific discussion, and a lot of information was thrown my direction. First thing he said to me was, do you have a way to record this? So I did... though I'm not sure I could go back and listen to it all over again, it was a long thorough talk. He asked me some questions to get a sense of how long I've been living with symptoms, how I've coped, and he discovered I am trying to conceive.

This is where I got a little nervous. He is not, nor does he claim to be, an infertility specialist. He understands that he knows very little about endo and its effect specifically on fertility, and instead referred me back to my doctor. Logically though, we talked through some of my concerns and it was nice to hear from someone who specializes in endo that my gut instincts about having surgery before another attempted cycle weren't out of left field. But my RE put some concerns in my head about doing more damage than good, and discouraged me with the facts that there is no evidence to support that surgery increased fertility rates.

I knew before going into this that a surgeon is going to recommend surgery, and an RE is going to recommend IVF and meds. It's a well known fact in the immunological support community... but that doesn't help in terms of coming to any kind of decision.

I guess where my head is at now, is that I've done 3 rounds of IVF with no success. Sure, an immune protocol COULD be my winning ticket, but what if its not. What if I go through a whole other round to be unsuccessful and have used up 2 excellent embryos. What a waste. Why not give myself the best shot possible. At this point, I really do believe it would do more good than harm. But I'm no expert.

Why does no Endo Fertility doctor exist? Ugh. Way too specialized I suppose. I know that Dr. Braverman and Dr. KK definitely take endo into consideration for their patients, but they're expensive and far. This journey is expensive enough as it is, and with us looking into adoption, I don't want to be completely out of money to explore other options if I need to.

Anyways, so I'm thinking surgery at the end of August. Homme InFertile and I talked about it briefly last night but my head was spinning and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off (no literally, I burned myself even because I was so all over the place). I think tonight we'll discuss it further and I will call the clinic to get information regarding insurance coverage etc. My plan of action is surgery mid/late August, 3 months of lupron, and then a FET. But a little wishful side of me wonders if maybe, just maybe I could get pregnant naturally after surgery. I don't know if that's a pipe dream though, so more to think about.

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In case anyone is interested, here is my very scattered note-taking from the call. It may require some deciphering haha ;) but feel free to ask me about it.

Colonoscopy ***

Endo - Immune System Disease  

Commonly also have Interstitial cystitis

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/interstitial-cystitis/basics/symptoms/con-20022439

http://endometriosis.org/resources/articles/interstitial-cystitis/

Women’s Health Initiative (WHI) - breast cancer and hormone outcomes (study)

Pelvic Floor Dysfunction - physical therapy (it is real, people do benefit, but it’s overused)

Options:

• Do nothing
• Pain management
• Lupron
• Mirena iud

ROBOT LAPAROSCOPY***

Sometimes they put a barrier in… but this is foreign tissue (which in some cases can create more scar tissue)

they use amniotic tissue to try and avoid this (it’s slippery and ideal) but is very expensive (a very small piece is like 2k) - even then it’s not perfect

Stitch up the ovaries (ovarian suspension) for the primary healing period (about a week and a half)

Second look laparoscopy (surgery a week apart)

Ultrasound

Pre-op visit (day before)

Surgery the next day

Wednesdays and Fridays for Surgery

15th-26th ish

Office manager - insurance - melinda

Amniotic tissue is NOT covered.

Surgery, FET, or Adopt?

I wish I just had a crystal ball sometimes... like I could just see into the future, have confidence knowing all will work out. I guess that's what faith is supposed to be, but I'm running low on that these days.

See every decision I make leaves me with a plethora of what-ifs. What if I had of held off transfer because I was sick last cycle? What if I hadn't of been sick? What if I had of done PGS? What if I had of pushed for immune protocol? What if we had done more testing? What if we had of put back in 3? What if we had only have put in 1? What if, what if, what if.....

It's hard to not look backwards, when you can't look forwards. When there is so much uncertainty in your future. When you have too many options... too many paths to choose from. For me, these days, those options are the big 3.

1. Surgery to treat endometriosis and hopefully increase odds of success following recovery.

2. FET with 2-3 of our remaining frozen embryos with a full immune protocol in place.

3. Adopt a newborn that is biologically not our own.

Within each of those there are more options.
Surgery:
- do we try right away after, or do we allow time to heal?
- do we try naturally following?
- do we follow this with IVF? or IUI?

FET:
- do I do intralipids even though I have a reaction to egg?
- do I do 6 months of lupron before trying? or just a few weeks like RE advised?
- do we put back in 1 to not muddle, 2 which we've done every other time, or risk doing 3?
- do we wait to do FET until I've been super good on my diet for 6 months?
- do we undergo any additional testing to get more answers?

Adoption:
- do we consider open adoption?
- what ethnicities are we open to?
- how does this work for Canadians living in US? Do we go to Canada?
- do we adopt internationally?
- do we accept twins/triplets?
- do we accept disabilities?

There's a lot to consider, and unfortunately I DON'T have a crystal ball, and unfortunately no one can tell us what is best for us at this time. But we don't know for ourselves anymore either.

Serious Conversations

How far are you willing to go to have a family? It's an important question to discuss with your partner when you start infertility treatments. It's important to be on the same page. Homme InFertile and I had that discussion... we were responsible in that regard, but it turns out... he forgot.

He forgot we had drawn a line in the sand... he forgot that we initially said 3 IVF transfers, which changed to 4 once our first retrieval had a low yield. He forgot that our next transfer would be our last.

So it's no surprise that me mentioning our last kick at the can and moving on came as a bit of a blow to him. It felt out of the blue... but it wasn't.

This whole discussion came out of our planning for our next FET (frozen embryo transfer). Since we are moving to Houston in a few short weeks, we have to put our TTC journey on hold for a moment before re-convening. First we'll have to get settled in our new hometown, then I go on a girls trip to Europe (lucky me), and then finally when I'm back we can re-group and re-focus.

But I'm naturally a planner, and I wanted to discuss now what our path will look like. I am half tempted to go see Dr. Braverman to get a full immune panel done. But this comes at a price. After looking into it, and going back and forth quite unsuccessfully via email with an intake coordinator, I was feeling a little apprehensive about the 3k price tag... and that doesn't even include out of pocket test costs. Ugh. Plus I'm fortunate my RE is willing to do an immune protocol without the tests to warrant it. So that's a lot of money that we prefer not to spend if we don't have to. Plus, it's money we don't exactly have at the moment with Homme InFertile having been unemployed the last few months.

So anyways, I wanted Homme InFertile and I to be on the same page with deciding whether to get all this information prior to our last transfer or not in the interest of giving ourselves the absolute best possible chance of a positive result. So it was within this discussion that are misunderstanding blossomed into an emotional and heartbreaking discussion about when to give up. When to admit defeat. When to walk away and turn our backs on our unborn biological children.

We had to let that sink in. We may never have our own biological children. The odds seem to be not in our favour. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

So we talked about a lot of things. My feelings of inadequacy, my fears of him turning his back on me, my fear of him resenting me, his fear that he's not enough for me, his feelings of being stuck - unable to move forward, my fear that I'd resent him if he weren't ready to adopt... the list goes on and on. As you can imagine. These aren't easy topics. We were emotionally and mentally drained, but it was a very positive discussion. Being on the same page is so incredibly important to coping with the stresses of infertility.

Anyways, I'm now looking in to Dr. Kwak-Kim who takes more insurance, while at the same time seeing if my current RE can send us for DQ-Alpha matching tests. We'll likely go on prednisone regardless, but part of me just really wants to understand why this is all happening. Plus, if we're a double match nothing we do will necessarily help us get pregnant other than surrogacy or donor sperm who doesn't match me DQ-Alpha wise....

Food for thought...

#StartAsking about your Reproductive Health

As National Infertility Awareness Week continues, I reflect on my experiences to date and wonder what I would have liked to have known when I started. Well, first off, I'd have liked to have known that 1 in 8 couples will struggle with infertility. I would have liked to have known that a perfectly healthy couple has a 20% chance of conceiving each month (assuming timing is perfect), and I would have liked to have known that I'm not alone... that so many others are experiencing this struggle, repeated disappointment, and heartbreak too... That's why the #StartAsking initiative by Resolve.org has been so important to me this year. I don't want any of my friends or acquaintances to ever feel alone or unprepared like I did. I don't want any stranger to feel that way either, frankly. So I ask all those in the Infertility Community, and all those tied to it by a loved one or friend or family member, to #StartAsking too!

I can't really accurately describe the moment I first sensed I might have fertility struggles. My husband (boyfriend at the time, though we owned a house together) came home to me crying on the floor blabbering on about how I had a weird gut feeling I was going to struggle with getting pregnant and how we should start trying right away.


He dismissed my anxieties as something like a weird emotional breakdown, founded in no reality... and really I don't blame him. Unfortunately, I've had very strong gut instincts and intuitions in the past, and those who know me, know that those intuitions often proved to be (or become) reality.

First lesson - trust your gut! If you feel like something's up GO TALK TO SOMEONE. You know your body better than anyone else, but at the same time, try to avoid consulting Dr. Google... he's like Chicken Little or the Boy who cried Wolf. 

Looking back there were a lot of red flags related to my health growing up. I learned very early on that I was quite severely lactose-intolerant, though it took me many years (and a little growing up) to accept it fully and make the necessary changes. It took even longer though to discover that I was celiac. You'd have thought my yo-yo eating habits (tied to appetite and feeling sick), severe bloat, and severe fatigue among other indicators (random rashes and the like) would have been indicators that something was up, but no one was really talking about celiac at the time. It took even longer still to fully diagnose... dun dun dunnn..... Endometriosis. It was suspected at one point, but as I changed my diet to eliminate wheat and dairy fully (among other foods after allergy panel) my pain diminished substantially. And we weren't trying to conceive at the time, so we weren't really aware of the implications.

Second lesson - if you have symptoms of endometriosis, allergic reactions etc, see a doctor, trust their guidance and expertise, but push for testing... don't wait and let the disease spread and worsen. Take action early on and you could substantially improve your fertility.

When we finally did start trying for a family, shortly after getting married, we were SHOCKED to discover we weren't pregnant after month one. Hilariously naiive, I know, but I really did feel after all the years of being told how important contraception use was, I swore he would sneeze and I'd somehow end up knocked up. As the first few months rolled by I started researching and the statistics were staggering. Wow... I have a 20% chance each month IF we time everything perfectly??? What?!??!? All those years of being told to be so careful now seemed so necessarily filled with unwarranted fear. I'd be a few hours late taking the pill and worry I was going to be pregnant as a result. Gosh... if only. 

Third lesson - learn about fertility. Learn about your reproductive cycle. If you have questions about your fertility, #startasking your doctor and #startasking for testing. You can check so many things like ovarian reserve with a simple blood test that there's really no excuse to remain uneducated. You need to advocate for your own fertility, just like your own health. 

I had a fantastic family doctor who did all this for us no questions asked. Unfortunately, most of my testing came back (and continues to) as perfectly normal. This is where perseverance is key... I knew something was up. I knew "Unexplained" was merely them saying they didn't know why I couldn't get pregnant or what was preventing conception. I know in my gut that it's immune related and that my body attacks the embryos. It's like I can feel it. So I refuse to take their answers of everything's fine and it's a matter of time and trying again. I refuse to accept there's nothing more to be done. So I continue to #ask for more testing... more insight, and I continue to be my own biggest advocate, because no one else will do it for me. 

Have strength. You can do this. 

#StartAsking

#StartAsking for Support In All Its Forms

Well folks... it's that time once again where National Infertility Awareness Week coincides with my birthday. Yay? Mixed feelings there... I am an infertile so in a way it only seems fitting I guess, but what do I want for my birthday this year? Well I want people to start talking! I've seen 5 birthdays pass whilst Homme InFertile and I have worked towards getting pregnant with no luck. I've grown 5 years older without a child to do the same. And as NIAW rolls around again, I can't help but reflect on this chapter of my life and wonder what it all means? Who have I become in the process? What have I learned?

When I met my husband, Homme InFertile as I so call him here, it was lust at first sight. I say lust because I don't believe you can truly fall in love with a person you've never spoken to... but the attraction and chemistry was instant and undeniable... and in the 10+ years we've been together I have fallen more and more in love with him with each passing day. I am one of the lucky ones in that respect. Unfortunately, we have been less than fortunate in the reproductive department.

We got married young, and started trying for a family very quickly. I had ALWAYS (and I really truly mean that) wanted to be a mother. It was a very tightly woven fabric of my being, and it was undeniable. My maternal clock seemed to click in much earlier than my friends, but I honored it, wanting to finish having kids by the time I was 30 in order to enjoy a long full life with them in it. With tomorrow's passing birthday and me turning 31, we know that is a certainly not happening. We were forced to let go of that dream, and many others along the way.

We let go of the dream to ENJOY the trying to conceive journey.

We let go of the dream to NATURALLY conceive our child.

We let go of our ideal TIMELINES surrounding parenthood.

and slowly... month by month... we started to let go of hope. 

Let it go might as well be our theme song... and I'll admit, I've used it as a pick me up... disney ain't just for children folks!

But hope is a fickle thing. One minute it is lost completely, and then seemingly out of nowhere, a new factor emerges and hope is re-born. A new treatment. A new doctor. A new year. A new city. A new drug. A new protocol. A new diet. A new anything and we begin to believe once more that our story may have a happy ever after, afterall. But that isn't always the case.

We are forced, as infertiles, to watch those around us move forward with their lives while we sit stuck in the mud... or cement as it feels some days. Friends that didn't even have a significant other when we started trying, now have two beautiful children. Our social media feeds are constantly filled with baby-spam and gripes with parenthood, while we long for just a taste of what their world has to offer. We're outsiders with no way in... And it hurts. It hurts because no one is talking about it. And if we do, we make others uncomfortable. So for me... I want to #StartAsking for people to share their struggles, not just their successes. I want to #StartAsking for people to not get uncomfortable when I talk about infertility. I want to #StartAsking for better insurance coverage for infertility, as it is a disease. I want to #StartAsking for people to have empathy and compassion, and put themselves in other peoples shoes... because I would trade anything for your morning sickness... telling me how horrible it is, isn't helping. I want to #StartAsking for the world to get educated on infertility, and acknowledge that it isn't just a women-centric issue. Infertility affects men too! And men need just as much support!

We move through life with a smile on our face, and heads held high, because there is no other option. You don't stop living your life because of struggle... you work through it. "Be brave." I remind myself constantly. "Be patient." I work on daily. "Be happy." I choose every moment I can. The choice to be happy is one I don't take lightly. There are a lot of ways to be happy on this earth, and although I know parenthood will bring me much joy, there are other things in my life that do the same, and I am unwilling to ignore them. The pain is real, but so is the joy in fully living the life I've been blessed with.

I wasn't always this way. In fact I remember at 6 months freaking out, bawling my eyes out on the bathroom floor in a panic that I was never going to be a mother. The pain I felt then was a different pain. A panicked pain. A young pain. But as the years roll by, the pain has evolved. It's still there... and I still cry... but it's seasoned. It's hard to describe... but when you repeat something so frequently, and continue to get the same result, you become more immune. This isn't to say I'm not saddened by my experience, or that when I get my period it's no big deal... but somehow it isn't AS big of a let down as it once was. And I find that sad. I'm more sad about the fact that I'm not more sad, than just being sad about my circumstances. But the more I opened up, the more support I began to get. The more I talked about infertility, the more aware my friends and family became. Do I still from time to time get ignorant advice, comments or suggestions? Sure. Does it bother me? Sometimes... but what would bother me more, is for them to continue to be unaware of the journey Infertiles face daily. The realities of this horrible disease. I wrote an original poem inspired by this struggle.

EVERYDAY

You say to me; enjoy this time,

but this time of mine, I don't need, I'm fine

You say to enjoy the freedom I have,

but freedom I lack, I do not laugh

You say be brave, be patient and trust,

but trust is lost, and question I must

You say you believe, and feel you know,

but promise, you can't, and faith is slow

You say you miss the life I lead,

but what when life I lose and bleed

You say you care, you understand,

but each time I fall I find no hand

So what you need to see, I say,

is I hurt, I hope, I blame, I pray

Every Day

-written by Femme InFertile

So if someone you know or love opens up and is honest with you about their struggles, don't go for the quick fix, don't offer up your suggestions, but instead open up your hearts, minds, and arms and support them. Give them a hug. Tell them your there for them. Educate yourself so you understand what they're going through. Ask them if and how you can help. You never know what someone else is going through. Don't assume you do.

Resolve has some amazing resources if you want to learn more. Their goal is to raise awareness of the following:

• Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age 
• There are many ways to build a family
• Help reduce the stigma by bringing attention to the details/issues/costs surrounding all ways people diagnosed with infertility can build a family. 
• Understand when to seek the help of a specialist 
• Inspire others 

And to finish us off... I want to share one of my favourite resources. I'm sure I've shared it before, but if you know someone going through infertility, they need your love and support. But unless you've been through it, it can be hard to know what to do, and what not to do. Here is a great little cheat list to get you started.
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html