Slowing Ramping Up

So been in contact with the clinic these last few days, sorting out a few final details about the plan and scheduling our call with the financial coordinator.

I'm really nervous for that call, which will actually fall on Halloween, simply because we aren't sure what our coverage will look like under this new insurance plan. So basically, we will be going over the covered expenses, and things that will be out of pocket. Hopefully the former will be the majority, but we'll have to wait and see.

At some point, we'll also have to get all the meds ordered which I'm terrified about. Meds cost so much and so far our coverage hasn't been the best. Boo. So we'll see what that turns out to be. I have a weird feeling it's going to be higher than past cycles especially since we're on all sorts of immune meds and they'll be coded for infertility likely and not immune related since we're not working with an RI (Reproductive Immunologist).

That aside, good news is our lovely friends back in New York have offered up their home for us to come stay at. We are definitely planning on taking them up on that, as it will immensely save on the cost of the cycle. It also alleviates a lot of stress too surrounding timelines since with IVF and FETs you never really know your dates for certain... It's all very fluid and changing, so when you have to be going with the flow it makes booking accommodating a bit tricky. Anyhoo, glad that's sorted as we don't even know our rough dates at this point.

I DO know that I need to start looking into where I'll get my intralipids done. Since I need to do one infusion 20 days prior to transfer, and a second one 10 days before transfer, it'll be best if I can find a place that will do it here in Texas. Otherwise I may have to fly out for the first one, come back to Texas, and then fly out for second one and probably just stay out there at that point. Even so, if I do that, it'll be almost 3 weeks that I'm in NY for, which isn't ideal. Need to figure out what to do about our dog. Eek.

Finally we feel like we're getting moving again though which is nice, so I'm glad to be back "in the game" so to speak. I have a pretty rigorous plan for our upcoming FET just diet wise and the "additional" things we're going to try like brazil nuts etc, so we're really hoping this is the one. Plus, not being home and around my dog which I'm allergic to, may be just what this little embaby needs to stick around.

We Be Stimmin'

Hey all... I'm running a limited time Shirt Campaign. I personally LOVE funny printed t-shirts. For anyone going through a fresh IVF cycle, or medicated cycle (or egg banking cycle or what have you), these shirts a fun way to celebrate the crazy that is stimming!!!

The campaign is running for a limited time. Basically if at least 5 people buy, then the shirts will be printed and shipped. It runs until Oct 31st and will be shipped within a week or two of that date, so this is ideal for someone cycling mid November or later!

Have a peak!

https://www.bonfire.com/we-be-stimmin/

Share with your TTC sisters!!!!

Feelin' Hot Hot Hot

So it's still hot hot here in Texas... and not just because of the weather. ;) I've been having some serious hot flashes these last few days in particular. I'll literally be lying in bed with a hoodie since I have AC up so high, then the next moment I'm all but flinging my hoodie off myself, kicking off all the covers and fanning myself to cool down. Menopause hot flashes aint no joke let me tell you.

I thought I was having some, but these flashes recently have shown me just what a hot flash truly is. Good times. Wouldn't be so much an issue if I were still up in Canada where in my prior home of Alberta it has already snowed, but I'm in hot and humid Texas now. I don't exactly need help staying warm when it's in the 90s.

Insomnia seems to be improving slightly. It could be because I was so incredibly busy these last few days that I genuinely was exhausted falling into bed. We had friends in town and had them over for dinner and some good old fashion card game fun... while watching the Jays vs. Indians game. Then we went to the Renaissance Festival the next day in the blistering heat and walked around all day. We could barely stay up until 8pm haha. I feel like I've recovered now but hoping I beat insomnia for good. Cross your fingers for me ;)

I also have had breakthrough bleeding for the last week. Hoping it goes away eventually which other ladies in my support groups have assured me.... well other than that one woman who has had breakthrough bleeding every single day of the last few months. She didn't give me much hope haha, but trying to ignore her and focus on all the other women who only had it the first month. God I hope I'm in their group, not the former. All I can say is I'm super stoked I invested in large THINX panty collection. Phew, they sure are coming in handy.

Otherwise not much to report on. I've been giving myself reiki treatments, in particular around the reproductive organs. It's funny because if you've ever trained in reiki you know you can actually sense the energy and heat (or lack there of) and my ovaries etc. are fully shut down. Obviously this is what is supposed to happen on Lupron Depot, but still a bit unsettling. 

Hard Day

I don't know why, but I'm feeling really really anxious and down. I just want so badly to be pregnant. I want so badly to have my happily ever after. I want so badly to finally be the one celebrated in the forums for finally attaining the elusive BFP. But some days, like today, I just question entirely whether it's ever going to happen for me. I doubt I'll EVER in my life get to experience seeing two little lines on a HPT. And that's a crushing blow.

When I think of our upcoming FET I get butterflies in my stomach. Are these good butterflies because we're going to be successful finally, and I'll get to be a mom!? I sure hope so, but all the more likely the butterflies can be attributed to the crippling sense of fear and doom I experience at the thought of yet another BFN. How can I cope? How can I pick myself up off the floor again and go on with life as if a little part of me didn't die.

Truth is, I have lost too many little pieces of me. I feel beat down and broken, but I act like I'm fine. I act like there is more to this life that I am grateful for. But my baby blinders make it difficult for me to truly feel that way. I WANT to, trust me. I want nothing more than to move on with my life and feel truly happy and complete. If that could happen without kids it would be amazing, but I want to be a biological mother so very badly. I don't know how to let that go quite yet.

Even in the infertility community I'm beginning to feel like others are passing me by. Women join the forums as they start up their first ever IUI or IVF cycles. They're full of hope. Full of the promise of the success IVF promises. But I know better now. I know that IVF is far from a guarantee. I have crowned myself the Repeated Implantation Failure Queen for that reason. But all in all, I really like to believe that I will be a biological mother. Somehow. Someday. Some way. But sometimes it feels so far away, and feels like a distant dream that will never come to fruition. All I can do is hope and pray.

Energy Gone. Poof. Vanished.

Oh good golly.... I cannot believe that it was only two weeks ago that I had my Lupron Depot injection. Ugh. Knowing that this is going to last months is pretty discouraging, but hopefully all worthwhile in the end I suppose.

Truth be told, I chose to be on the medication, so I have a hard time complaining about it. I made the decision believing it was the best one for me, even having been forewarned of the side effects, so I really can't say I have any regrets. It just doesn't make the symptoms any easier to cope with.

My insomnia is pretty awful. Have a very very hard time falling asleep, I'm sleeping a bit better in the night but crazy bizarre dreams and tossing and turning a bit, but I wake up at the slightest disturbance, so once hubby is up, so am I (and he gets up eeeeeearly).

I'm not sure if it's just the insomnia causing my fatigue but I have like zero energy overall. I feel like a zombie. I feel very foggy and slow. A bit like when you have the flu, but I obviously am not sick. Actually... feels like the flu in a lot of ways really... the aches.... the hot flashes... Oh well.

Otherwise I'm just hanging tight at the moment. I flip flop between whether I should be getting surgery or not, but I have to believe that we made the right decision, and if this doesn't work, then surgery it is. We have to take the long game approach, but no more delays or breaks now.

I guess that's partly why I haven't been blogging much. Not much to tell ya. Oh... hoping to give the Autoimmune Paleo Approach a try. I have a few books.... we'll see. It might be pretty tough especially since I don't eat meat/pork. I've been putting it off but need to get my ass in gear. Any tips be sure to let me know! <3

On that note, gonna go make a fresh green juice.
Ciao for now!

Lupron Side Effects

Oh good golly miss molly... Lupron = no fun at all. So yesterday I was getting the full flood of the emotional side effects and then last night and today I'm having the physical ones starting up.

Lupron Depot Symptom 1 - STOMACH ACHE
So my stomach is a gurgling mess. TMI alert but generally my "system" doesn't flow too regular... now its the opposite problem. I feel constantly mildly nauseous.

Lupron Depot Sympton 2 - INSOMNIA
So was super tired... yet I could NOT for the life of me, fall asleep last night. Nor could I stay asleep. I was a tossing turning mess. Couldn't sleep in either. So the cycle continues with me being very tired today.

Lupron Depot Symptom 3 - NASAL CONGESTION
Okay, so I have allergies and have recently seen a massive shift in the volume of my nasal congestion. I have basically had none (between allergy shots, and an air purifier). Yet as of yesterday, more so today, I have a serious stuffy nose going on. I did a quick search and it doesn't seem to be correlated, but I'm including since everyone is different and I believe it has had this affect on me. I'll update if it turns out I have a cold or something else random I can blame it on.

Lupron Depot Symptom 4 - HOT FLASHES
So far I don't mind this so much. I hate being cold... so I'm not too bothered. Ask me in a few weeks.

Lupron Depot Symptom 5 - CLAMMY SKIN
So my hands are now permanently clammy. They have a nice sheen to them constantly. Hubby won't so much want to hold my hand anymore. Maybe I should invest in a nice pair of pretty gloves?

So far that's all I'm experiencing that I can tell.... the symptom list from web md looks as follows so who knows what the future has in store for me... I'm particularly looking forward to facial hair. Ya that sounds fun... NOT.

• hot flashes (flushing)
• increased sweating
• night sweats
• chills
• clammy skin
• tiredness
• swelling of the ankles/feet
• increased urination at night
• mental/mood changes (e.g., depression, mood swings)
• dizziness
• injection site reactions (burning, redness, stinging, pain, bruising, swelling,abscess)
• acne
• increased growth of facial hair
• breakthrough bleeding in a female child during the first 2 months of Lupron Depot treatment
• weakness
• nausea
• diarrhea
• constipation
• stomach pain
• skin redness/itching/scaling
• joint or muscle pain
• vaginal itching or discharge
• breast swelling or tenderness
• testicle pain
• impotence
• loss of interest in sex
• sleep problems (insomnia)
• rash (including a painful rash with fever)
• memory problems
• blisters/sores
• facial swelling
• vaginitis
• weight gain
• headache

Batsh!t Crazy

Oh no.... so it begins. First I go to Starbucks and lose my sh!t at the woman for messing up my drink. Chalked it up to me being tired and not full awake yet. Fast forward to this afternoon and I literally turn into an angry mean warrior at Kroger. Homme InFertile had a serious look of fear on his face. Walk out to our car and burst into tears apologizing. Proceed to come home and once again in comfy clothes am a bright ray of sunshine.. until I cry again.

Holy hell.... this is one roller coaster. Lupron Depot... you and I are friends off. And yet... you're in my system for the next who knows how many months. I blame you ENDOMETRIOSIS. Hmm. Good times... gooooood tiiiiimmmmes.