New Site! Find me there!

So I'm finally making the changeover to a new site. Yay! I've loved this site, it gave me an outlet, a voice when I felt I had none, but the time has come to move away from the "Femme InFertile" name and embrace positivity. I AM fertile, I am more than my infertility, and I refuse to continue to let it define me. So in honour of our upcoming FET I really want to do away with any negative connotations and a fresh start with a new name felt like a perfect opportunity.

If you've been reading my blog you'll know I have a YouTube Channel, so this is really just linking it all together. I hope you'll continue to follow along with our journey over there! Thanks so much for joining us thus far!

https://liv4todaysite.wordpress.com/

Feelin' Hot Hot Hot

So it's still hot hot here in Texas... and not just because of the weather. ;) I've been having some serious hot flashes these last few days in particular. I'll literally be lying in bed with a hoodie since I have AC up so high, then the next moment I'm all but flinging my hoodie off myself, kicking off all the covers and fanning myself to cool down. Menopause hot flashes aint no joke let me tell you.

I thought I was having some, but these flashes recently have shown me just what a hot flash truly is. Good times. Wouldn't be so much an issue if I were still up in Canada where in my prior home of Alberta it has already snowed, but I'm in hot and humid Texas now. I don't exactly need help staying warm when it's in the 90s.

Insomnia seems to be improving slightly. It could be because I was so incredibly busy these last few days that I genuinely was exhausted falling into bed. We had friends in town and had them over for dinner and some good old fashion card game fun... while watching the Jays vs. Indians game. Then we went to the Renaissance Festival the next day in the blistering heat and walked around all day. We could barely stay up until 8pm haha. I feel like I've recovered now but hoping I beat insomnia for good. Cross your fingers for me ;)

I also have had breakthrough bleeding for the last week. Hoping it goes away eventually which other ladies in my support groups have assured me.... well other than that one woman who has had breakthrough bleeding every single day of the last few months. She didn't give me much hope haha, but trying to ignore her and focus on all the other women who only had it the first month. God I hope I'm in their group, not the former. All I can say is I'm super stoked I invested in large THINX panty collection. Phew, they sure are coming in handy.

Otherwise not much to report on. I've been giving myself reiki treatments, in particular around the reproductive organs. It's funny because if you've ever trained in reiki you know you can actually sense the energy and heat (or lack there of) and my ovaries etc. are fully shut down. Obviously this is what is supposed to happen on Lupron Depot, but still a bit unsettling. 

Batsh!t Crazy

Oh no.... so it begins. First I go to Starbucks and lose my sh!t at the woman for messing up my drink. Chalked it up to me being tired and not full awake yet. Fast forward to this afternoon and I literally turn into an angry mean warrior at Kroger. Homme InFertile had a serious look of fear on his face. Walk out to our car and burst into tears apologizing. Proceed to come home and once again in comfy clothes am a bright ray of sunshine.. until I cry again.

Holy hell.... this is one roller coaster. Lupron Depot... you and I are friends off. And yet... you're in my system for the next who knows how many months. I blame you ENDOMETRIOSIS. Hmm. Good times... gooooood tiiiiimmmmes.

CD3 Lupron Vlog

Hey guys...

Youtube channel is up and running and we've posted our first few videos. Subscribe and follow along!

Most recent video is of hubby and me tackling the ginormous Lupron Depot Injection. Spoiler alert: hurt like a b!&@#.  My arm was so sore I could barely sleep that night. Feeling a bit better today thank goodness.

So now we wait. Looks like I'll start meds etc. at the end of November, so a full few months of nothingness now. Hurry up and wait. Thus far I don't have any symptoms. Although I was super emotional/angry this morning when they messed up my green tea latte at Starbucks... so maybe that's a lie. Time will tell haha.

Appointment Tomorrow

Wow... so it's happening... things are getting underway again and I'm feeling a bucket of emotions. Excitement to be starting another cycle. Impatience that this cycle will take so long. Apprehension at the drug I'll be taking (Lupron). Anticipation of what to expect with the other drugs along the way. Butterflies at the possibility that this cycle could work. Fear that it won't. It's like a smorgasbord of emotions, most of which aren't pleasant. One of which.... hope... drives it.

So tomorrow I go in for remote monitoring at a clinic here in Texas. They just need to make sure I don't have any cysts and that my bloodwork (hormone levels) looks good before proceeding with Lupron injection. Costs $300 out of pocket for one measly appointment. Boo hiss.

Then once my doc has a look at my results I'll (or Homme InFertile will) administer the injection. And then we wait...

So if all goes well, looks like I'd be starting the meds for this cycle November 30th with transfer slated for December 15th. Fingers crossed all goes according to plan. Who knows how my body will respond. Eek. We just need to decide if I'll do monitoring locally here in Texas, or if I'll go to New York for a few weeks. 

Thanks!

Thanks to all that voted for the Hope Blog Award. As you may or may not know, I was selected as a nominee, however I just found out I did not win. Congrats to Shelley Who Writes who did! I'm a bit bummed, but I don't do this for awards, I do this for therapy (for myself) first and foremost, and as a support to those of my infertility sisters out there so they feel less alone.

That being said I DID start an instagram account today. Follow along @femmeinfertile !!!

Un'Supported

It's not a new topic, but one that we (Homme InFertile and myself) continue to revisit. Support. It was what my blog post during Infertility Awareness Week was about. (Ps. if you haven't voted and are enjoying my blog, I'd love your "support" ;) vote here). But support is something I'm realizing not only ebbs and flows, but is and always will be something we have to ask for, seek out, muster within ourselves, and accept the lack of. 

Support shouldn't be hard to come by, but for infertiles it often is. Perhaps because the topic of infertility is so taboo. Perhaps because the topic is so sensitive. Perhaps because the majority of people don't (and/or can't) really understand. Perhaps because many of the people in our lives aren't capable of giving the kind of support we need. Regardless of why... it sucks. And it hurts.

See being infertile means a lot of things. Your identity is thrown to the wolves, and you either let them gobble it up, or you fight to retain as much of it as you can. But no matter what, you lose a little bit of yourself along the way. You might be hardened by the fight, you might be broken and lost. Each journey is unique... and ever evolving. For me, I am constantly fighting to regain a part of myself. But what I've been learning is I have been changed. I can no more easily become the person I was before, than a soldier forget the war. I have never served in the war, and I cannot imagine what it is like. However, comparisons to the mental-emotional damage have been drawn by experts and I am not surprised. I feel like I'm fighting a war. Each failed cycle a battle lost. But the war forges on without an end in sight.

But I have my husband, and I remind myself how lucky I am to have him, how lucky we are to have such a solid supportive marriage. Some days we're enough for each other. Other days we're both down and broken and we need someone else to pick us up together. It takes a lot of strength to pick someone up when we too are broken, but that's what our marriage has become. I put my own pain, sorrow, misery on the shelf for a moment, and hold him in my arms and tell him it'll be okay. I tell him I love him, and support him. In that moment, no one is supporting me. Another day, and he does the same for me. It's survival. But it's not easy.

When you have been on the infertility journey as long as we have (5+ years) you notice that people you open up to and share your vulnerability with choose one of three paths.

1) Stop asking.
These are the people who don't know how to handle it. Our situation makes them uncomfortable. They don't know what to say, nor do they know how to ask what to say, so they just stop altogether. Maybe they themselves have gotten their happily ever after and life has become busy and overwhelming for them. They're not capable of supporting, so they don't extend the olive branch. Or maybe they harbour guilt, so they avoid the source. Maybe they themselves are also going through some sort of emotional life crisis. No matter the rationale, in my humble opinion, none of these are a valid excuse. If you love someone, "Stop Asking" is not an option. You're only further isolating those individuals and making them feel more alone, and unsupported. I don't stop being a part of my friends lives because I'm struggling. I still call up and offer support to any of my loved ones when they need it. I might not always be the best support, but I'm there, and they know I care even in moments I can't fully show it.

2) Ask. Provide support.
These are the people who may have experienced infertility themselves. Or they have had close friends or family members go through it. Or they are just damn good people who can put their own sadness/pain on hold and provide support to another person in need. These people are the ones who ask what they can do, even when they have no clue how to handle it. These are the people who check in, and call you just so you know you still have friends and family members who care. These are the warriors of our lives. Thanks to these people, we feel less alone, and know there is support when we need it.

3) Try and help.
These are the people who feel helpless and powerless watching infertiles struggle. They try and offer well-intentioned advice in an effort to fix our problems for us.  Having to tell them we've tried that, or that's not relevant to our journey, or why that's not a valid option for us, only creates more stress. In reality, the only way to really help someone struggling with Infertility is to become an "Ask. Provide Support" person. It's not your job to fix us. That's our job, and our doctors and specialists.

Anyways. I'm saying all this because we as infertiles need to learn to ask for the type of support we need. It's not always easy telling someone that the way they are handling your interactions is unhelpful or causing more harm than good. But it IS necessary. If those people can't handle or respect your needs/wishes... then maybe it's time re-assess that friendship. That being said, remember that your struggle is no more or less than anyone else's. Wanting people there for you, means being able to step outside of your own struggles and be there for others when they need you too... especially if this hardship sticks around for you as long as it has for us.


Finally, an end note. I often write poems to express the way I feel. So a new one below about the identity struggle of infertiles:

I

Me. I. A dissolving persona.
Masks of truth.
Masks of youth.
Me. I. A broken fraction.
Full of sadness.
Full of madness.
Me. I. A hopeless dreamer.
Years are passing.
Years amassing.
Me. I. A mother, a father.
Without a child.
Unreconciled. 

Me. 

Vision Board'ing

So my friend and her boyfriend recently made vision boards (also referred to as Dream Boards) and it sounded like so much fun that I figured I'd make one for myself. Of course, I've had the flu so didn't really feel like buying magazines and shuffling through to find accurate pictures and then cutting/pasting etc... although I'm sure fun, just didn't have the energy. Doing it online was a nice easy activity to pass time while at home by myself, sick on the couch. 

Anyways... after a quick search I came across the website Dream It Alive where you can make them online for free. Cool tool. I'm sure I could have done an equally or better job on photoshop, but I liked that it encouraged you to fulfill different categories and write affirmations.

As an infertile, I found it an incredibly great thing to do. Law of Attraction ya'll! I'm sure you can make some educated guess about some of the elements in there ;)

My finished product:

Reiki Reactions?

As infertiles, we're willing to try just about anything to stack the odds for success. That is one of the reasons long ago I began looking into holistic health and wellness practices. Diet being one of the first and most important contributors for me personally. I also tried various form of "holistic" treatments including acupuncture, craniosacral massage, and reiki.

I have been interested in learning Reiki since I first received it years ago while struggling through this whole infertility journey. It was a pretty profound experience then, and I believed my body was working through some things. I have since had sessions with various practitioners (some better than others as is always the case). Over the years my body has in fact gotten to a happier healthier state, though I admit, there are a lot of contributing factors... But as you take on all these infertility treatments; pills, injections, exams etc etc... it's nice to have a treatment that feels gentle and supportive. Some people love and swear by acupuncture... I could never really fully get on board with it. I tried... for one it didn't seem to help me all that much, and I also hated going. It felt like an annoyance and I didn't really "relax" during the sessions. It caused me a bit of anxiety being pricked with even more needles (when I was doing it daily for fertility drug injections and blood draws).

Due to recent studies (link1, link2) that have shown benefits to acupuncture, more and more REs are encouraging or supporting patients to pursue it in tandem with fertility treatments and IVF cycles. Personally, I have to believe that reiki has the same effect. By gently getting the energy moving through the bodily more smoothly/efficiently, and breaking up blockages, I believe the patient is getting the same result that acupuncture promises. Call it an airy-fairy wishy-washy theory, but if you haven't experienced reiki before (at least from a qualified and experienced practitioner) I strongly urge you to look into it.

Anyways, I believe, and I guess that's all that matters in my case, whether placebo or not. So this past weekend I went on the journey to becoming a practitioner in order to help myself first and foremost, but also others on their healing journey. There are 4 levels of Reiki training, and this was just my first. Basically we learned about the history of Reiki, the principals. How to give ourselves treatment (hand placements etc), and also how to give to others. In addition, we receive something called Reiki Attunements. In total over the course of the weekend we received 4 attunements which basically "plug" you into the energy. Again, I know this may sound a little far fetched to some, but experiencing is believing so don't knock it until you try it. It was pretty intense, and I experienced a wide range of physical sensations and emotions throughout the attunements. In particular a blockage I've felt in my right trapezoid for years was being released... towards/through my ear, no less. So it came as no surprise when I woke up the next morning with a massive ear ache.

The belief is that after receiving the attunements, your body pushes out the old dense energies and makes room for the lighter brighter reiki energies. Great... this is a good thing, and hopefully will aid in my overall sense of well-being... however that meant first I was going to get sick. Very sick. I had a horrible flu with aches, chills, fever the whole kit and kaboodle. In addition of course was the ear ache and a very swollen gland all on my right side. Coincidence? Maybe... but seems pretty crazy that first I feel the energy releasing that way and THEN it actually manifests in the physical.

I'm starting to feel better today which is nice. My ear still has a mild/dull ache.. not as bad as before, and it feels plugged, but the flu symptoms seem to have dissipated. I'm hoping that once I'm healed I'll have released that which no longer serves me and be on a path to feeling healthy and full of vitality!

Bans Begin

Oh no...

link to article by CNN

I'm sure a bit proponent of this is in fact the tax component, but then the humanitarian in me wonders if these women are just in desperate times and resorting to desperate measures to support their own families...

Such a fine line.

With me considering surrogacy and having no one to really feel comfortable asking that huge burden of personally, and the cost locally being so high... options like this give infertile women like me a little glimmer of hope. And now looks like this is being taken away.

But the self-less part of me knows these women probably don't CHOOSE this... they do it because they have no other choice. Wonder if maybe it's ultimately a good thing for them. I dunno. Ugh.... so messy.

Thoughts?

Allergies Abound

So I went in for some allergy testing about a month ago... You'd think after being poked and prodded for years with ultrasound wands, injections and blood draws would make me a tougher cookie, but apparently I'm still a wuss.

I had the back scratch test, and my back blew up.. no really. The doc walks in and just goes, "woah okay ya, that's quite a reaction." When he asked me what I suspected I was allergic to and said everything, I think he didn't believe me... or just thought I was kidding. He slowly learned that living in a bubble may in fact be my best solution.

Unfortunately, because I had such a severe reaction, they worried that the ones I didn't react to with the back scratch test, may still be in fact allergens for me. So I had to go back in a separate day to get under the skin testing. Then a bunch more things added to the list. Oh man.

Finally... I went back again a third day. That's three torturous days in a week. This is when I did the venom test for allergies to bees/wasps etc. They start with a scratch test on the forearm and then progress to under the skin shots slowly upping the does. Honeybees and Yellow Jackets were added to the list. I have an epipen for those because I've had mild anaphylactic reactions in the past. And I seem to get stung a lot. It's like they've got it in for me...


Oh and did I mentioned they discovered I have asthma too!? Fun times. So yesterday I had my first day for injections/shots and we couldn't get through all rounds unfortunately. Basically because I have so much I'll allergic to, I get 4 shots. 1 for trees/grass/weeds etc. 1 for cats/dogs/dust mites etc. 1 for honeybees and 1 for yellow jackets. Well my arm blew up after getting the trees/grass/weeds shot, and then I started getting a rash/hives on my chest so they gave me a prednisone tablet and had me sit there to make sure things didn't progress, which luckily they didn't.

It all begs the question, if I am so allergic to these things that are so prevalent in our environment, and my body is in such an inflammatory, reactive state all the time, how would I ever get pregnant? I'm not looking for an easy quick fix here, but is it possible that my allergies are really what are preventing me from getting pregnant? Hmm..

Interesting further was the prednisone tablet they gave me for my reaction. It was the same dose my doc has talked about using for a future FET cycle. Other ladies have that low of a dose as well, but now I'm wondering if mine needs to be a little higher given the extent and severity of my allergies.

#StartAsking about your Reproductive Health

As National Infertility Awareness Week continues, I reflect on my experiences to date and wonder what I would have liked to have known when I started. Well, first off, I'd have liked to have known that 1 in 8 couples will struggle with infertility. I would have liked to have known that a perfectly healthy couple has a 20% chance of conceiving each month (assuming timing is perfect), and I would have liked to have known that I'm not alone... that so many others are experiencing this struggle, repeated disappointment, and heartbreak too... That's why the #StartAsking initiative by Resolve.org has been so important to me this year. I don't want any of my friends or acquaintances to ever feel alone or unprepared like I did. I don't want any stranger to feel that way either, frankly. So I ask all those in the Infertility Community, and all those tied to it by a loved one or friend or family member, to #StartAsking too!

I can't really accurately describe the moment I first sensed I might have fertility struggles. My husband (boyfriend at the time, though we owned a house together) came home to me crying on the floor blabbering on about how I had a weird gut feeling I was going to struggle with getting pregnant and how we should start trying right away.


He dismissed my anxieties as something like a weird emotional breakdown, founded in no reality... and really I don't blame him. Unfortunately, I've had very strong gut instincts and intuitions in the past, and those who know me, know that those intuitions often proved to be (or become) reality.

First lesson - trust your gut! If you feel like something's up GO TALK TO SOMEONE. You know your body better than anyone else, but at the same time, try to avoid consulting Dr. Google... he's like Chicken Little or the Boy who cried Wolf. 

Looking back there were a lot of red flags related to my health growing up. I learned very early on that I was quite severely lactose-intolerant, though it took me many years (and a little growing up) to accept it fully and make the necessary changes. It took even longer though to discover that I was celiac. You'd have thought my yo-yo eating habits (tied to appetite and feeling sick), severe bloat, and severe fatigue among other indicators (random rashes and the like) would have been indicators that something was up, but no one was really talking about celiac at the time. It took even longer still to fully diagnose... dun dun dunnn..... Endometriosis. It was suspected at one point, but as I changed my diet to eliminate wheat and dairy fully (among other foods after allergy panel) my pain diminished substantially. And we weren't trying to conceive at the time, so we weren't really aware of the implications.

Second lesson - if you have symptoms of endometriosis, allergic reactions etc, see a doctor, trust their guidance and expertise, but push for testing... don't wait and let the disease spread and worsen. Take action early on and you could substantially improve your fertility.

When we finally did start trying for a family, shortly after getting married, we were SHOCKED to discover we weren't pregnant after month one. Hilariously naiive, I know, but I really did feel after all the years of being told how important contraception use was, I swore he would sneeze and I'd somehow end up knocked up. As the first few months rolled by I started researching and the statistics were staggering. Wow... I have a 20% chance each month IF we time everything perfectly??? What?!??!? All those years of being told to be so careful now seemed so necessarily filled with unwarranted fear. I'd be a few hours late taking the pill and worry I was going to be pregnant as a result. Gosh... if only. 

Third lesson - learn about fertility. Learn about your reproductive cycle. If you have questions about your fertility, #startasking your doctor and #startasking for testing. You can check so many things like ovarian reserve with a simple blood test that there's really no excuse to remain uneducated. You need to advocate for your own fertility, just like your own health. 

I had a fantastic family doctor who did all this for us no questions asked. Unfortunately, most of my testing came back (and continues to) as perfectly normal. This is where perseverance is key... I knew something was up. I knew "Unexplained" was merely them saying they didn't know why I couldn't get pregnant or what was preventing conception. I know in my gut that it's immune related and that my body attacks the embryos. It's like I can feel it. So I refuse to take their answers of everything's fine and it's a matter of time and trying again. I refuse to accept there's nothing more to be done. So I continue to #ask for more testing... more insight, and I continue to be my own biggest advocate, because no one else will do it for me. 

Have strength. You can do this. 

#StartAsking

#StartAsking for Support In All Its Forms

Well folks... it's that time once again where National Infertility Awareness Week coincides with my birthday. Yay? Mixed feelings there... I am an infertile so in a way it only seems fitting I guess, but what do I want for my birthday this year? Well I want people to start talking! I've seen 5 birthdays pass whilst Homme InFertile and I have worked towards getting pregnant with no luck. I've grown 5 years older without a child to do the same. And as NIAW rolls around again, I can't help but reflect on this chapter of my life and wonder what it all means? Who have I become in the process? What have I learned?

When I met my husband, Homme InFertile as I so call him here, it was lust at first sight. I say lust because I don't believe you can truly fall in love with a person you've never spoken to... but the attraction and chemistry was instant and undeniable... and in the 10+ years we've been together I have fallen more and more in love with him with each passing day. I am one of the lucky ones in that respect. Unfortunately, we have been less than fortunate in the reproductive department.

We got married young, and started trying for a family very quickly. I had ALWAYS (and I really truly mean that) wanted to be a mother. It was a very tightly woven fabric of my being, and it was undeniable. My maternal clock seemed to click in much earlier than my friends, but I honored it, wanting to finish having kids by the time I was 30 in order to enjoy a long full life with them in it. With tomorrow's passing birthday and me turning 31, we know that is a certainly not happening. We were forced to let go of that dream, and many others along the way.

We let go of the dream to ENJOY the trying to conceive journey.

We let go of the dream to NATURALLY conceive our child.

We let go of our ideal TIMELINES surrounding parenthood.

and slowly... month by month... we started to let go of hope. 

Let it go might as well be our theme song... and I'll admit, I've used it as a pick me up... disney ain't just for children folks!

But hope is a fickle thing. One minute it is lost completely, and then seemingly out of nowhere, a new factor emerges and hope is re-born. A new treatment. A new doctor. A new year. A new city. A new drug. A new protocol. A new diet. A new anything and we begin to believe once more that our story may have a happy ever after, afterall. But that isn't always the case.

We are forced, as infertiles, to watch those around us move forward with their lives while we sit stuck in the mud... or cement as it feels some days. Friends that didn't even have a significant other when we started trying, now have two beautiful children. Our social media feeds are constantly filled with baby-spam and gripes with parenthood, while we long for just a taste of what their world has to offer. We're outsiders with no way in... And it hurts. It hurts because no one is talking about it. And if we do, we make others uncomfortable. So for me... I want to #StartAsking for people to share their struggles, not just their successes. I want to #StartAsking for people to not get uncomfortable when I talk about infertility. I want to #StartAsking for better insurance coverage for infertility, as it is a disease. I want to #StartAsking for people to have empathy and compassion, and put themselves in other peoples shoes... because I would trade anything for your morning sickness... telling me how horrible it is, isn't helping. I want to #StartAsking for the world to get educated on infertility, and acknowledge that it isn't just a women-centric issue. Infertility affects men too! And men need just as much support!

We move through life with a smile on our face, and heads held high, because there is no other option. You don't stop living your life because of struggle... you work through it. "Be brave." I remind myself constantly. "Be patient." I work on daily. "Be happy." I choose every moment I can. The choice to be happy is one I don't take lightly. There are a lot of ways to be happy on this earth, and although I know parenthood will bring me much joy, there are other things in my life that do the same, and I am unwilling to ignore them. The pain is real, but so is the joy in fully living the life I've been blessed with.

I wasn't always this way. In fact I remember at 6 months freaking out, bawling my eyes out on the bathroom floor in a panic that I was never going to be a mother. The pain I felt then was a different pain. A panicked pain. A young pain. But as the years roll by, the pain has evolved. It's still there... and I still cry... but it's seasoned. It's hard to describe... but when you repeat something so frequently, and continue to get the same result, you become more immune. This isn't to say I'm not saddened by my experience, or that when I get my period it's no big deal... but somehow it isn't AS big of a let down as it once was. And I find that sad. I'm more sad about the fact that I'm not more sad, than just being sad about my circumstances. But the more I opened up, the more support I began to get. The more I talked about infertility, the more aware my friends and family became. Do I still from time to time get ignorant advice, comments or suggestions? Sure. Does it bother me? Sometimes... but what would bother me more, is for them to continue to be unaware of the journey Infertiles face daily. The realities of this horrible disease. I wrote an original poem inspired by this struggle.

EVERYDAY

You say to me; enjoy this time,

but this time of mine, I don't need, I'm fine

You say to enjoy the freedom I have,

but freedom I lack, I do not laugh

You say be brave, be patient and trust,

but trust is lost, and question I must

You say you believe, and feel you know,

but promise, you can't, and faith is slow

You say you miss the life I lead,

but what when life I lose and bleed

You say you care, you understand,

but each time I fall I find no hand

So what you need to see, I say,

is I hurt, I hope, I blame, I pray

Every Day

-written by Femme InFertile

So if someone you know or love opens up and is honest with you about their struggles, don't go for the quick fix, don't offer up your suggestions, but instead open up your hearts, minds, and arms and support them. Give them a hug. Tell them your there for them. Educate yourself so you understand what they're going through. Ask them if and how you can help. You never know what someone else is going through. Don't assume you do.

Resolve has some amazing resources if you want to learn more. Their goal is to raise awareness of the following:

• Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age 
• There are many ways to build a family
• Help reduce the stigma by bringing attention to the details/issues/costs surrounding all ways people diagnosed with infertility can build a family. 
• Understand when to seek the help of a specialist 
• Inspire others 

And to finish us off... I want to share one of my favourite resources. I'm sure I've shared it before, but if you know someone going through infertility, they need your love and support. But unless you've been through it, it can be hard to know what to do, and what not to do. Here is a great little cheat list to get you started.
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html

Day 19 - Transfer Day!!!

So I woke up bright and early at 630am this morning in anticipation of my transfer. The crap thing about that, is that I couldn't eat or drink anything until after my appointment because I was going on anesthetic. Well my transfer wasn't until 1030am so I had a good 4 hours to suffer without food or drink. Small price to pay.

Okay so lets start with the adventure to get there...
Homme InFertile and I went to take the subway but there was a medical incident and the trains were skipping our station due to running on the express track. Greaaaaat. So we went about ground because after watching 3 express trains go by, we now didn't have time to do the whole 'ride uptown, transfer to express downtown' song and dance. But of course it's late rush hour (all hours are rush hour in NYC) and half the subway commuters had the same idea, and everyone was now looking for a taxi. One guy was waving people away as he didn't have his light on and clearly was off for the day or something. Well I ignore that and walk up to him while he's stopped at the light because there's no chance we're getting another taxi for a while, and times a ticking. He points across the park. I nod. He relunctantly unlocks the door and we clamber in. He was headed up to Harlem and we're headed to midtown hell... but we tried to tell him to just drop us on other side away from the park (we could catch a different cab there or subway, at least we'd be away from the crowd). Well he was mad at us, and refused to do that, and ended up taking us all the way where we needed to go, albeit begrudgingly. Anyways, fastest, craziest cabby I've been in in a while, but we literally arrived just on time. Phew. Homme InFertile tipped him well since he helped us out so big.

Now that we were there...
I feel like a regular at the fertility clinic. I'm sure everyone does... we live there through our cycles. But regardless it was like ya ya, I got this people...
Step 1 - change out of my clothes (watch out for the al-fresco situation)
Step 2 - paperwork and routine questions
Step 3 - get my IV administered (we used a new smaller vein since I've been poked/proded so much recently, but she was really gentle)

Step 4 - cry... not because I'm in pain, but because I felt such overwhelming anxiety, fear, hope etc. for this cycle. This was the moment I really felt like I was relinquishing control up to the universe and was having to just have faith.
Step 5 - Homme InFertile comes to join me/console me (he was looking something up for us, not ignoring me I promise)

Step 6 - Doctor comes in to make a plan 1 vs. 2* we'll come back to this
Step 7 - Anesthesiologist comes in, checks nothing has changed height/weight, tells me it won't be as involved med-wise as last times as I won't need pain meds.
Step 8 - Say by to DH, move to procedure room
Step 9 - Confirm my name, date of birth, and why I'm there
okay so this was different, but because it was a smaller vein, I could actually feel the cold/stingy sensation of the anesthesia. I remember telling them it really hurt and just as quick hand a hand on my arm soothing me saying I know then..
Step 10 - become really sle...e...p......y

Back to Step 6...
So this morning I was leaning towards just putting back in 1. Homme InFertile and I had had a discussion yesterday about if there was a really good looking naturally fertilized, maybe we'd try that since it'd be different (all our other transfers were with ICSI). Well that wasn't exactly the case.
Of our 7 ICSI embryos, 6 made it to blast. Of our 10 Natural embryos, only 2 made it to blast.
Well that threw a wrench in my plan. I now don't have as much faith in our naturally fertilized embryos. Crap. And we've done the ICSI route before. Crap. The easiest decision for me to make in that moment was to put back 1 ICSI and 1 Natural and just see what happens.

Of course I was then warned about the risks of multiples, but the doc understood given our history how this would make me feel the most secure in my decision. He also said something about my tall frame being capable of carrying twins and how he won't be quite as worried about me in that case, which made me feel slightly better. I really would prefer a singleton pregnancy, but this has been a long hard 5 years of infertility treatments, and I'm nearing my breaking point.

So 2 it is! We know that we are risking becoming pregnant with twins, and although I worry about pre-term labour and complications, if I had two bundles of joy to take home at the end of it all, well I'd count myself blessed.

Waking up in the procedure room...
So this was different. In the past, I've always woken up in the recovery rooms. Maybe they chose to let me lay there to help with implantation, who knows, but I actually really appreciated it. Of course, Homme InFertile was there to try and videotape me, but apparently I'm not as funny on this non-pain version of anesthesia. I was pretty much right away with it, just a little groggy.

that little window is the passthrough to embryologist

I continued to lay there, had some apple juice and we were given our picture of our little embryos. Hopefully our babies' first picture. We wanted to know which was which (#5 and #9) and the naturally fertilized one is the smaller one. The I got dressed and we headed out.

Lunch and Acupuncture time...
Now since I was beyond famished, we elected to stop for a nice little healthy lunch before my post-transfer acupuncture appointment. There's a Pain Quotidien right across the street from the acu clinic, and have great gluten-free and dairy free options for me, so seemed perfect. They messed up our order... twice. But once the food arrived, it was de-li-cious and we inhaled it in no time.

Then I crossed the street for my acupuncture. Listened to "Acclimating to your baby's signature" by Alaya and Oshira of Vibrational Child which ended up being the perfect selection. At first I wondered if I should have stuck to the Circle+Bloom IVF program that I've been doing, but I find Alaya's work much stronger. I dunno, it seems to have more impact for me and my mediation time during the session was just plain beautiful, no other word to describe it.

Home and resting...
Then we came home and it's just been chill time since. I had another small nap, but my mind was racing a bit with all the wonderful optimistic possibilities, that it didn't last long. Unfortunately Homme InFertile is finally falling victim to the cold I've had (which I still haven't kicked... you kidding!?!), so looks like it'll be a super lazy weekend.
Side note: On my personal blog, I wrote a little shpeel to family/friends about respecting our privacy about our cycle from here on out, and to not ask questions or ask for updates given they can't know when the good/bad news is coming and they could reach out at a very inopportune time. This is what I wrote in case you're struggling with a similar situation, having been open up to this point:

One thing that I'll ask at this point, since we're getting close to transfer. Please do not text or call for updates on how it turned out. At this point it will just be a waiting game for us, and a very painful stressful one at that. We won't know the outcome until the end of the month unfortunately, and once we find out the result (good or bad) we may need some time to process it. We know you are/will be excited to find out and waiting in anticipation, but know that if it is a negative outcome, we'll need some time to grieve, and untimely messages etc. may make that more difficult. If you don't hear from us early May, assume no news is bad news. If we have good news, we will be thrilled to share that with those closest to us one by one, and that may also take some time. So be patient with us. :)  Thank you though for all your support, positive vibes and kind words of encouragement up to this point. We love you all and are so grateful for how wonderful you've been in this process. 

Someone tell me I'm Stupid... Please!!!

It's the last month before IVF... yes, yes... we've been over this.
Today I had an "implantation" temperature dip at 9dpo (8 dpo if ovulation occurred when I think it did rather than when Fertility Friend says it did).

So here's the deal with the dip. It does NOT always indicate pregnancy. In fact, it is still found in many, MANY charts. I could even argue I've had it in many of my own. Now here's the thing. Usually when I do see this dip, I see it around 5dpo, which is probably too soon for a real implantation dip. In fact, the thought is that perhaps the dip is attributed to an increase in estrogen due to the pregnancy (which has a lowering effect on temperature) or that the progesterone is decreasing and then gets rescued by a pregnancy. Neither of these really explain why it is found on non-pregnancy charts too though. So it begs the question, why do we keep seeing it!?

So I did some digging today and of course come up with many articles telling me just that. Well I already know that, thanks for nothing internet! So I'm left on my own to hypothesis and rationalize why I am having a dip. Should be easy enough in theory... except this dip is different from the others I've had.

For one, like I mentioned, my dip on my chart usually happens earlier. This time it happened at 8/9dpo... exactly when implantation is most likely to occur!!!

For two, it dipped way down to my coverline. Usually what I have called a "dip" in all my other instances, has been on a smaller scale... maybe .2 or .3 F of a drop. This was a .7 drop.

Okay but on the flipside, I woke up earlier than normal this morning (I really had to pee...) so my temp was taken maybe 1/2hr to 1hr earlier than normal. Also, I recently started on Metanx which is a folic acid and B vitamin supplement. It could me messing with things. I also went to acupuncture yesterday. All of these could contribute to changes in temps.

So why... WHY, am I being so crazy and getting my hopes up YET AGAIN!? Cray cray. I am literally turning into a crazy person.

On other news, Homme InFertile and I are being filmed and put forward for a new docu-series for a major network. Basically it's following couples' pregnancy stories... For us, it would have a special little forward portion of us going through infertility treatments. I think it would be so special and important to share this experience with the general public so they really understand what we women go through. It's shocking to hear how little people know about the invasiveness of it all ;)

So we start that filming Monday... eek. Homme InFertile is very nervous. I on the other hand am perfectly comfortable in front of the camera having acted since a young age (I had a casting director mother). We'll see how that goes. I could be super hormonal with pms... or maybe... just MAYBE I'll get to cancel it due to a BFP!!!! Who knows!!! Wishful thinking... and yes, well aware how stupid I'm being...ugh.

Last 2 WW before IVF

Well t-minus about a week until we get underway with what I expect to be my last fresh IVF cycle. The nerves are full force, my emotions are all over the place, and prayers are high. I'm in the 2ww of my last natural cycle before we begin, and I find myself talking to the heavens... my belly... myself, wishing, hoping, praying, bargaining for some miracle so I don't have to go through all the injections and emotional turmoil of IVF again. Wouldn't that be nice!?

I follow my fertility clinic's page on Facebook, and perhaps the universe was answering me in a way... Nurse Linda did a video chat about the dreaded 2ww and embryo transfers etc. It was just what I needed to hear really. I highly suggest giving it a watch:

It calmed me ever so slightly. No way around it. The 2 week wait continues to suck... month after month and year after year. In an ideal world I'd know better, or better yet, have a crystal ball to tell me the outcome so I could just move on with my days, but that's far from the case.

Who knows... maybe I WILL get a positive. Maybe I WILL be that miracle story you hear. Weirder things have happened I suppose. I got my hopes up last month though, and I know it's just me trying to find an out from having to go through this whole song and dance again, avoiding the fear and pain that goes along with it. One more week... that's all I have to hold on to for now. Or, well, at least until the BIG 2ww after our embryo transfer next month.

So in other news, Homme InFertile and I have been selected for a Docu-Series that follows women throughout their pregnancy. There will be multiple various stories, but the idea is that we'd be the "infertility" story. I was really excited about the opportunity to share our story and break down some of the stigmas associated with infertility. We have a production call on Wednesday, and they're in talks with our clinic getting filming rights (which I anticipate will be difficult given the sensitivity of other patients etc). So I'm not sure how it will all pan out, but that's that! I'll keep you posted as things progress... I was totally upfront too that Homme InFertile lost his job and we don't know if we'll be staying in NY, and they still want to go ahead so looks good in that respect at least.

In the meantime a woman popped into our little online forum community at the bump and shared a promo teaser for a webseries she wrote/created and we had a good chuckle. Check it out! I found great comfort in laughing in the face of it all. I know it's certainly something we can all relate to, even if our responses aren't so candid in real life ;)

In terms of Homme InFertile... still no job. We have health coverage until the end of May, so can go through our full cycle... less sure about a frozen cycle directly following though if it were needed... shucks. In terms of where we'll go from here? Our first pick would be Victoria/Vancouver, which is where we grew up. Second pick is London as I can get an ancestry visa and we can both work. Could be another fun adventure. New York is looking less and less likely by the day. Who knows though!


Oh and almost forgot. I got my recombine genetic results back and am not a carrier for any of the 311 diseases screened for.. YAY! However, I am unfortunately unable to process/form folate and need to increase my folic acid intake substantially as I am a high high risk of a child with a neural tube defect. :( Not great news, but we'll forge on!

That's all for now. Tootaloo! ;)

T-Minus 2 Week

Oh... My... Goodness...

Here we go again! 2 week countdown to my IVF cycle. I'm freaking the frack out!!!
I'm anxious, and nervous, and an emotional mess. See... I've done this before. And it didn't work. And I don't have it in me, emotionally or financially, to continue on much longer. I'm putting a lot of pressure on this cycle unintentionally... but I can't help it. It means so bloody much to me, and I'm at my wits end. When will I ever get my happily ever after!?!?

Oh dear. Pity party. Moving on.

Husband still hasn't found a job. We're debating whether to start our UK visa application. The worry is, we do all the work, pay the fee, and then he gets a job the next day. But he's been out of work 3 weeks now and no progress. That and the visa application takes some time and we don't have much more time before we'll have to leave the country basically. We need to be making decisions already. It's go time.

In terms of IVF, we will do our fresh cycle and hope for the best. I can't make up my bloody mind on one versus two. So overwhelming to make that decision. I just really want a healthy baby. I don't want the added worry of complications of 2 babies in there. But at the same time, we've put two back in twice already and no bfp, so does it make sense to put only 1?!

I dunno. I'm all over the friggin place. Any advice? :(

I have my genetic counselling call with recombine scheduled for Monday. Eek. Hope all is well there...

I probably start stimms around the 23rd/24th. That lands me with a transfer date of around April 10th. Of course this is all rough. I'll know before my 31st birthday near the end of April if it worked or not. Could be the best birthday ever, or pretty crummy. We'll just have to wait and see. FX

The Sad Truth About Infertility

NOTE: This was written about a week ago. I took some time to process it before posting to avoid any knee jerk reaction type scenarios. Funny how things work. This particular friend actually face-timed me AS I was writing this. If you believe in energetic connections like I do, this was definitely one of those moments. I believe she just knew I was feeling upset, and related to her... subconsciously of course. Anyways, enough of that mumbo jumbo. Feel free to read my emotional rant below. Take it with a grain of salt knowing I was just having a really crummy day all around.

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I'm not entirely sure what compelled me to write this today. I could pinpoint a moment scrolling through Facebook perhaps, but it's more likely a culmination of things, a build up to this moment in time. So with that, I want to share some thoughts on the sad truth about infertility.

First though, I want to acknowledge it's not all bad. There are good days too. Infertility can be something that makes us stronger, that tests us to our very limits, and breaks us down to little pieces, forcing us to build ourselves back up. We become warriors, and fearless. We learn perspective and grace. But we also carry a lot that is less than pretty... ugly at times, in fact. 

The sad truth is, infertility makes us jealous. It makes us resentful. It can even turn us into anti-social and closed-off individuals if we let it. Facebook for instance, a place of social interaction, sharing of pictures and our life adventures, becomes a place to fear for us infertiles. It becomes a place to avoid. Why? Because it bears so many reminders of the life we so desperately desire, and our inability to achieve it. It depresses at a time when we so desperately need to be lifted up. The irony is we log on to escape boredom or to be lifted, but it can have the opposite effect. Sure we can be happy for our friends and their beautiful children, but those images that they share so freely feel like a dagger to our hearts with each and every post. We love seeing the smiles on your face, and love in your eyes, but it simultaneously makes us sad. We don't have beautiful maternity photos of ourselves. We have no beautiful memories with our children to share. We lack, or feel our lives lack. 

As our friends and family move forward with their lives, we feel like we are being excluded from a very precious and prestigious (although I'll acknowledge, seemingly tiring and challenging) club. We aren't ignorant. We know motherhood is no walk in the park. Those warrior mothers deserve to share their triumph. I don't suggest we take away from their glory. But, unfortunately, their glory can make us feel like even more of a failure. See, infertility is something you can't really understand until you experience it. You might think you know the pain, or can imagine it, but it overwhelms. Life is filled with constant reminders of our ineptitude. I can't conceive, therefore I am not worthy. I am not worthy of bearing a child. I am not worthy of a family. I am not worthy of your precious mommy's club. 

You can't commiserate with me on your lack of sleep, because you know I will likely feel little sympathy, either feigning it unconvincingly, or instead telling you to be grateful for the precious gift of experiencing motherhood. You tell me I say this now, that I don't know or understand what's in store, and that is exactly the point. I don't know. I don't KNOW if I'll ever know. But at the same time, I know so much. 

I know the pain of years and years of sleepless nights wondering if this treatment finally worked. 

I know the exhaustion of self-administering needle after needle with nothing to show for it.

I know the emotional turmoil of feeling like I've let my husband down.

I know the sadness of a heart that aches for something I don't know that I'll ever experience.

I know the heartbreak of wanting so fully, and working so hard for it, to come up empty handed, month after month... year after year. 

I know I don't KNOW. And that hurts. 

We are no longer part of the same world, you and me. We are no longer sharing in the same human experience. Mine differs drastically from yours, and yours from mine. And that's okay. But you see, I am forced to accept and be comfortable with your over-sharing of baby pictures, while a small mention of my infertility is off-putting. It's taboo. It makes you and everyone else uncomfortable. You don't know what to say. You think I am trying to make you feel bad for me, or guilty for being happy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I want you to be happy, and am glad you are. I want to be happy too. Some days I am! Some days I'm filled with so much joy that I forget about my struggles temporarily. Some days are harder. Society doesn't know how to handle us. We're the outliers, or are led to believe we are. But we infertiles are millions. It's just that society doesn't like talking about it. 

The sad truth is that today I feel ugly inside. I feel jealous and resentful. I feel like I've been dealt a crap hand deal after deal with no option to trade in, while those around me are handed royal flushes. I am sad for myself. And I judge myself for that. As if being infertile and dealing with all of this isn't enough, I feel bad, for feeling bad. 

I feel like I should be grateful for my health. 

I feel like I should be grateful for a roof over my head, and a healthy meal to eat. 

I feel like I should be grateful to have found the love of my life, and even be working towards a family.

I feel like I should forget about the pain and suffering I am experiencing because it could be worse.

Well of course it could be. Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone experiences pain and heartbreak. If you look for someone who has it worse, you're undoubtedly going to find them. The world is full of pain and misery. Maybe you are scrolling Facebook and sick of seeing pictures of me and my husband adorably traveling the world side by side with smiles on our faces, and that causes you pain because your relationship isn't strong, or maybe you are doing this solo. I get it. I'm blessed with a beautiful relationship I believe is 1 in a million. I AM grateful. I DO feel blessed. But that doesn't mean the pain I feel surrounding my inability to start a family is any less valid. 

I have friends afraid to come crying or complaining to me about trying for 3 months. DO it. COMPLAIN! It's okay, I'm not going to bite your head off so long as you do it with empathy in your heart. I've been there. I remember the psycho mess I was back then. I'll help guide you. Don't face this pain alone because you think mine is worse. Accept mine, and I'll accept yours. We're in this together! When you do get pregnant, don't just post it on Facebook and avoid me, that only wedges our worlds further apart. Instead build a bridge of understanding between us. Text me your news very lightly and allow me time to absorb it on my own. Don't Facetime me and put me on the spot, in a position to put a smile on my face to make you feel good. I don't ever want to take away from your glory, but understand it will be hard for me, just as I did for you. Continue to reach out to me, ask me how I am, how I'm doing. Don't stop asking because I don't bring it up. Since you've had a kid, I feel like maybe you don't care anymore... and I feel very alone. 

I know my mommy friends feel this way. They feel afraid to share their lives with me. Just above I told you I wasn't going to feel bad for you when you complain about the pains of motherhood. Don't misunderstand... I will serve as a reminder to why you did it. I will serve as a reminder to be grateful. And if you don't like that, maybe complain to your other mommy friends, and instead let me enjoy your company without the conversation always being about you and baby. It may be hard for me, but the truth it I never want to stop being part of your life. You feeling awkward about it makes me feel like the kid that got invited to the party that no one is friends with... they're just there because people felt bad discluding them. Don't include me just for the sake of it. Include me because you want me to be part of your life, and because you want to continue to be part of mine... even if it no longer matches yours, or isn't always rosy rainbows and sunshine. Because I love you, and cherish our friendship, even if our lives have veered in different directions. Hopefully it's only temporarily. But be patient with me as I am unbearably impatient with myself and my own circumstances.

Right now I need a friend. I need the comfort of feeling my battalion at my side. But yet I feel very, very alone. 

Bad things come in 3s...

Wow... well the last 48 hours have been a little emotional to say the least. 3... I repeat, 3 friends had their babies. 3! In 48 hours. Well, that's not accurate. 3 friends ANNOUNCED their babies' arrivals in the last 48 hrs. Same difference to me though.

That's hard. I knew it was coming. I knew late January to early February was going to be full of new babies... and it sure was. Some of the others weren't as painful, since they weren't as close of friends, but these ones hurt. Maybe because 2 of them are those people's 2nd child, and they tried conceiving their first around the same time we started trying or after even. So it stings. To think we could have a 4 year old running around, and a second newborn....ugh. Could is misleading, because I can't, clearly.

This isn't meant to be a woah is me post, but I sure do feel a little bit that way today. It's hard. I'm emotional.

Not helping is the fact that I still don't have results from the lab for my biopsy. I try and convince myself that no results are good... that if something really bad came up, they'd have contacted me much faster. But the truth is you never know. Maybe they're double checking their findings before telling me I have cancer. Maybe something came up abnormal and they had to run additional tests. Who the hell knows!? (if you do, feel free to speak up haha).

My husband and I always say, we are grateful for the life we have led up until this point. As much as my heart aches for a child, I'm happy at the direction we're being taken in, and had we gotten pregnant right away, that wouldn't have been the case. I know that. I believe that in my heart. So it gives me strength. And maybe in 2 more years, I'll look back on this time and feel the same way. But right now? While I'm in it? I certainly don't. I just want to know that all will turn out well. I want to be reassured that I too will have my happily ever after. But if I knew, where would the lessons be learned?

I have to trust. It's just hard today.

"I feel drunk"

So today was the day I've been waiting for... dreading perhaps, but also excited to get done. My biopsy day along with SHG and trial transfer.

I couldn't eat past midnight so last night made a late dinner, nice and healthy, and ensured I drank lots of water before bed. I was feeling prepared and organized and proud of myself... that is, until my husband FaceTimed me. I could feel his guilt, and I tried to hold it together to not make him feel any worse, but my anxiety got the best of me and started tearing up, unable to speak. I had to hang up... it was just making me think about it all too much and I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up the next morning and get the show on the road.

So that's what I did. I didn't have the best sleep, which isn't surprising given my stress about it all. I woke up before my alarm, worried it wouldn't go off. Neurotic much!? I had a nice long cuddle with my pup. It's like a real life teddy bear!!!

Then I got myself organized and my mom and I headed down to my appointment. I didn't realize it was a holiday (being Canadian and all) and so we ended up being there really early since there was no traffic. When we got there I checked in and sat in the waiting room. Was nice to have someone there with me.

Then a nurse came out, called my name and brought me back. She was really sweet, gave me overly detailed instructions, and then left me to change. I was lookin' and feelin' pretty sexy ;)

She came back and had me fill out a bunch of paperwork - really I couldn't have done this when I had underwear on? Once that was done she put in my IV (ouch. not fun) and I was thankful she was gentle with me. I think she felt bad that my hubby wasn't there with me and that I was so visibly anxious (I couldn't stop tearing).

Once I had my IV in I had a bit of waiting time. DH texted me, only making me more emotional, and then to top it all off the first song we ever danced to came over the music sound system. Floodgates opened. I rely on him so heavily, but he really is truly my best friend and anchor and I would have loved to have had his hand to hold up until the procedure. Oh well.

My anesthesiologist came to give me the rundown on what to expect, asked me if I was allergic to any drugs (this was the 4th time I was asked today... clearly they've had a problem with this in the past haha) and then got my stats - height/weight etc. to calculate dosage I think. Then he took me into the room.

Best part? I stood up forgetting my butt would be hanging out and he had to kindly close my back for me. I clearly was so consumed in my fear I didn't even feel the al fresco situation going on in the back. Oh man.

Then we got settled and doc came in and went over our procedures, had me repeat back to him what I was having. We were talking and the last thing I remember is me telling him he was going blurry.

Then I woke up... feeling... very confused "How did they get me here?" I asked my mom, now sitting in the room. She didn't know but just laughed at me with my eyes halfway open slurring my words. "I feel drunk" I said to her. So she took some pictures of me to send my DH to let him know I was alright.

Looking goooooood haha

"I feel drunk... but I'm good!"

I had zero pain. zero nausea. And soooooo much relief. Once my nurse gave me a juice to help me refresh, and sat me up, my doc came in to debrief.

mmmm juice. Nurse offered me a second because I downed it so fast.

1) SHG - no concerns. no polyps. totally normal looking. this is good news! :) yay
2) biopsy - went well. test results in about 10 days or so
3) trial transfer - issues as expected... he had to pull with itty bitty forceps on my cervix to straighten out the path or something to that effect, and then he was able to get in. He could see why my past transfers were noted as difficult, and has a plan of action going into our future transfer now, so good thing we did it!

So that's it for now. The waiting for this "horrible" but in the end, easy peasy simple procedure is over. Now the waiting for results... That I can do. All my anxiety is gone and I feel so much better. Especially after my nap with my fur baby again. Dogs are the best!

nap time