Thursday, 1 October 2015

Three Weeks

The countdown is officially on... and the wait is killing me. I knew that I wanted to choose a quality doctor with a long wait over a less experienced doctor with a short wait, and I feel good about my decision, but man alive is the wait torturous or what! I made this appointment what feels like months ago. I'm sure there's evidence in my blog to the contrary, but it definitely feels that way.

I guess I'm just in the headspace to start really trying again. We tried naturally for a number of months again recently and it felt like beating my head against a wall. I mean, when more advanced techniques don't work and your odds are so low naturally you kind of want to laugh at yourself for even being remotely hopeful. But I was, and then the heartache came back each month. I'd say the disappointment isn't any less, but because it has become the norm and expected, the lack of shock of another unsuccessful cycle means one less emotion to work through at least.

I'm so curious about this clinic. About this doctor. I was so frustrated with my prior doctor and him thinking so confidently that we really didn't need help. I hope this one believe in our struggle and actively pursues approaches that will stack our odds. I'll get a sense when I meet him. While doing my research I definitely just trusted my gut but now of course I'm questioning all that. I really wish I could connect with someone who has had a personal experience with Dr. Drew Tortoriello form Sher NYC, so if you have message me up! Or if you know someone... send them my way haha.

Anyways. I'm trying to get in the headspace again. I'm in this weird rush, but I don't know why. I just feel such an urgent need to move ahead with my life. I'm sure this is a landmark in the infertility journey that others have hit and know what I'm talking about. I'm just fed up with the lack of control I have over my own situation and my own destiny. At some point I just have to put my hands up and say I hand over the power. I just don't know how to do it. And maybe I won't until I feel full heartedly like I've done all I can in my power before then.

Once we have our consult, I'm sure we're going to be sent for more testing, and THAT I'm NOT looking forward to. I'll be sent for another HSG no doubt... that was less than pleasant, but I'll manage. But what I'm most curious about is when we will end up cycling. Will it be this year? Next year? It's really hard to say. Where's a crystal ball when you need it?!

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