#StartAsking about your Reproductive Health

As National Infertility Awareness Week continues, I reflect on my experiences to date and wonder what I would have liked to have known when I started. Well, first off, I'd have liked to have known that 1 in 8 couples will struggle with infertility. I would have liked to have known that a perfectly healthy couple has a 20% chance of conceiving each month (assuming timing is perfect), and I would have liked to have known that I'm not alone... that so many others are experiencing this struggle, repeated disappointment, and heartbreak too... That's why the #StartAsking initiative by Resolve.org has been so important to me this year. I don't want any of my friends or acquaintances to ever feel alone or unprepared like I did. I don't want any stranger to feel that way either, frankly. So I ask all those in the Infertility Community, and all those tied to it by a loved one or friend or family member, to #StartAsking too!

I can't really accurately describe the moment I first sensed I might have fertility struggles. My husband (boyfriend at the time, though we owned a house together) came home to me crying on the floor blabbering on about how I had a weird gut feeling I was going to struggle with getting pregnant and how we should start trying right away.


He dismissed my anxieties as something like a weird emotional breakdown, founded in no reality... and really I don't blame him. Unfortunately, I've had very strong gut instincts and intuitions in the past, and those who know me, know that those intuitions often proved to be (or become) reality.

First lesson - trust your gut! If you feel like something's up GO TALK TO SOMEONE. You know your body better than anyone else, but at the same time, try to avoid consulting Dr. Google... he's like Chicken Little or the Boy who cried Wolf. 

Looking back there were a lot of red flags related to my health growing up. I learned very early on that I was quite severely lactose-intolerant, though it took me many years (and a little growing up) to accept it fully and make the necessary changes. It took even longer though to discover that I was celiac. You'd have thought my yo-yo eating habits (tied to appetite and feeling sick), severe bloat, and severe fatigue among other indicators (random rashes and the like) would have been indicators that something was up, but no one was really talking about celiac at the time. It took even longer still to fully diagnose... dun dun dunnn..... Endometriosis. It was suspected at one point, but as I changed my diet to eliminate wheat and dairy fully (among other foods after allergy panel) my pain diminished substantially. And we weren't trying to conceive at the time, so we weren't really aware of the implications.

Second lesson - if you have symptoms of endometriosis, allergic reactions etc, see a doctor, trust their guidance and expertise, but push for testing... don't wait and let the disease spread and worsen. Take action early on and you could substantially improve your fertility.

When we finally did start trying for a family, shortly after getting married, we were SHOCKED to discover we weren't pregnant after month one. Hilariously naiive, I know, but I really did feel after all the years of being told how important contraception use was, I swore he would sneeze and I'd somehow end up knocked up. As the first few months rolled by I started researching and the statistics were staggering. Wow... I have a 20% chance each month IF we time everything perfectly??? What?!??!? All those years of being told to be so careful now seemed so necessarily filled with unwarranted fear. I'd be a few hours late taking the pill and worry I was going to be pregnant as a result. Gosh... if only. 

Third lesson - learn about fertility. Learn about your reproductive cycle. If you have questions about your fertility, #startasking your doctor and #startasking for testing. You can check so many things like ovarian reserve with a simple blood test that there's really no excuse to remain uneducated. You need to advocate for your own fertility, just like your own health. 

I had a fantastic family doctor who did all this for us no questions asked. Unfortunately, most of my testing came back (and continues to) as perfectly normal. This is where perseverance is key... I knew something was up. I knew "Unexplained" was merely them saying they didn't know why I couldn't get pregnant or what was preventing conception. I know in my gut that it's immune related and that my body attacks the embryos. It's like I can feel it. So I refuse to take their answers of everything's fine and it's a matter of time and trying again. I refuse to accept there's nothing more to be done. So I continue to #ask for more testing... more insight, and I continue to be my own biggest advocate, because no one else will do it for me. 

Have strength. You can do this. 

#StartAsking

#StartAsking for Support In All Its Forms

Well folks... it's that time once again where National Infertility Awareness Week coincides with my birthday. Yay? Mixed feelings there... I am an infertile so in a way it only seems fitting I guess, but what do I want for my birthday this year? Well I want people to start talking! I've seen 5 birthdays pass whilst Homme InFertile and I have worked towards getting pregnant with no luck. I've grown 5 years older without a child to do the same. And as NIAW rolls around again, I can't help but reflect on this chapter of my life and wonder what it all means? Who have I become in the process? What have I learned?

When I met my husband, Homme InFertile as I so call him here, it was lust at first sight. I say lust because I don't believe you can truly fall in love with a person you've never spoken to... but the attraction and chemistry was instant and undeniable... and in the 10+ years we've been together I have fallen more and more in love with him with each passing day. I am one of the lucky ones in that respect. Unfortunately, we have been less than fortunate in the reproductive department.

We got married young, and started trying for a family very quickly. I had ALWAYS (and I really truly mean that) wanted to be a mother. It was a very tightly woven fabric of my being, and it was undeniable. My maternal clock seemed to click in much earlier than my friends, but I honored it, wanting to finish having kids by the time I was 30 in order to enjoy a long full life with them in it. With tomorrow's passing birthday and me turning 31, we know that is a certainly not happening. We were forced to let go of that dream, and many others along the way.

We let go of the dream to ENJOY the trying to conceive journey.

We let go of the dream to NATURALLY conceive our child.

We let go of our ideal TIMELINES surrounding parenthood.

and slowly... month by month... we started to let go of hope. 

Let it go might as well be our theme song... and I'll admit, I've used it as a pick me up... disney ain't just for children folks!

But hope is a fickle thing. One minute it is lost completely, and then seemingly out of nowhere, a new factor emerges and hope is re-born. A new treatment. A new doctor. A new year. A new city. A new drug. A new protocol. A new diet. A new anything and we begin to believe once more that our story may have a happy ever after, afterall. But that isn't always the case.

We are forced, as infertiles, to watch those around us move forward with their lives while we sit stuck in the mud... or cement as it feels some days. Friends that didn't even have a significant other when we started trying, now have two beautiful children. Our social media feeds are constantly filled with baby-spam and gripes with parenthood, while we long for just a taste of what their world has to offer. We're outsiders with no way in... And it hurts. It hurts because no one is talking about it. And if we do, we make others uncomfortable. So for me... I want to #StartAsking for people to share their struggles, not just their successes. I want to #StartAsking for people to not get uncomfortable when I talk about infertility. I want to #StartAsking for better insurance coverage for infertility, as it is a disease. I want to #StartAsking for people to have empathy and compassion, and put themselves in other peoples shoes... because I would trade anything for your morning sickness... telling me how horrible it is, isn't helping. I want to #StartAsking for the world to get educated on infertility, and acknowledge that it isn't just a women-centric issue. Infertility affects men too! And men need just as much support!

We move through life with a smile on our face, and heads held high, because there is no other option. You don't stop living your life because of struggle... you work through it. "Be brave." I remind myself constantly. "Be patient." I work on daily. "Be happy." I choose every moment I can. The choice to be happy is one I don't take lightly. There are a lot of ways to be happy on this earth, and although I know parenthood will bring me much joy, there are other things in my life that do the same, and I am unwilling to ignore them. The pain is real, but so is the joy in fully living the life I've been blessed with.

I wasn't always this way. In fact I remember at 6 months freaking out, bawling my eyes out on the bathroom floor in a panic that I was never going to be a mother. The pain I felt then was a different pain. A panicked pain. A young pain. But as the years roll by, the pain has evolved. It's still there... and I still cry... but it's seasoned. It's hard to describe... but when you repeat something so frequently, and continue to get the same result, you become more immune. This isn't to say I'm not saddened by my experience, or that when I get my period it's no big deal... but somehow it isn't AS big of a let down as it once was. And I find that sad. I'm more sad about the fact that I'm not more sad, than just being sad about my circumstances. But the more I opened up, the more support I began to get. The more I talked about infertility, the more aware my friends and family became. Do I still from time to time get ignorant advice, comments or suggestions? Sure. Does it bother me? Sometimes... but what would bother me more, is for them to continue to be unaware of the journey Infertiles face daily. The realities of this horrible disease. I wrote an original poem inspired by this struggle.

EVERYDAY

You say to me; enjoy this time,

but this time of mine, I don't need, I'm fine

You say to enjoy the freedom I have,

but freedom I lack, I do not laugh

You say be brave, be patient and trust,

but trust is lost, and question I must

You say you believe, and feel you know,

but promise, you can't, and faith is slow

You say you miss the life I lead,

but what when life I lose and bleed

You say you care, you understand,

but each time I fall I find no hand

So what you need to see, I say,

is I hurt, I hope, I blame, I pray

Every Day

-written by Femme InFertile

So if someone you know or love opens up and is honest with you about their struggles, don't go for the quick fix, don't offer up your suggestions, but instead open up your hearts, minds, and arms and support them. Give them a hug. Tell them your there for them. Educate yourself so you understand what they're going through. Ask them if and how you can help. You never know what someone else is going through. Don't assume you do.

Resolve has some amazing resources if you want to learn more. Their goal is to raise awareness of the following:

• Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age 
• There are many ways to build a family
• Help reduce the stigma by bringing attention to the details/issues/costs surrounding all ways people diagnosed with infertility can build a family. 
• Understand when to seek the help of a specialist 
• Inspire others 

And to finish us off... I want to share one of my favourite resources. I'm sure I've shared it before, but if you know someone going through infertility, they need your love and support. But unless you've been through it, it can be hard to know what to do, and what not to do. Here is a great little cheat list to get you started.
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html