Tuesday, 11 October 2016

Hard Day

I don't know why, but I'm feeling really really anxious and down. I just want so badly to be pregnant. I want so badly to have my happily ever after. I want so badly to finally be the one celebrated in the forums for finally attaining the elusive BFP. But some days, like today, I just question entirely whether it's ever going to happen for me. I doubt I'll EVER in my life get to experience seeing two little lines on a HPT. And that's a crushing blow.

When I think of our upcoming FET I get butterflies in my stomach. Are these good butterflies because we're going to be successful finally, and I'll get to be a mom!? I sure hope so, but all the more likely the butterflies can be attributed to the crippling sense of fear and doom I experience at the thought of yet another BFN. How can I cope? How can I pick myself up off the floor again and go on with life as if a little part of me didn't die.

Truth is, I have lost too many little pieces of me. I feel beat down and broken, but I act like I'm fine. I act like there is more to this life that I am grateful for. But my baby blinders make it difficult for me to truly feel that way. I WANT to, trust me. I want nothing more than to move on with my life and feel truly happy and complete. If that could happen without kids it would be amazing, but I want to be a biological mother so very badly. I don't know how to let that go quite yet.

Even in the infertility community I'm beginning to feel like others are passing me by. Women join the forums as they start up their first ever IUI or IVF cycles. They're full of hope. Full of the promise of the success IVF promises. But I know better now. I know that IVF is far from a guarantee. I have crowned myself the Repeated Implantation Failure Queen for that reason. But all in all, I really like to believe that I will be a biological mother. Somehow. Someday. Some way. But sometimes it feels so far away, and feels like a distant dream that will never come to fruition. All I can do is hope and pray.

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