Hard Day

I don't know why, but I'm feeling really really anxious and down. I just want so badly to be pregnant. I want so badly to have my happily ever after. I want so badly to finally be the one celebrated in the forums for finally attaining the elusive BFP. But some days, like today, I just question entirely whether it's ever going to happen for me. I doubt I'll EVER in my life get to experience seeing two little lines on a HPT. And that's a crushing blow.

When I think of our upcoming FET I get butterflies in my stomach. Are these good butterflies because we're going to be successful finally, and I'll get to be a mom!? I sure hope so, but all the more likely the butterflies can be attributed to the crippling sense of fear and doom I experience at the thought of yet another BFN. How can I cope? How can I pick myself up off the floor again and go on with life as if a little part of me didn't die.

Truth is, I have lost too many little pieces of me. I feel beat down and broken, but I act like I'm fine. I act like there is more to this life that I am grateful for. But my baby blinders make it difficult for me to truly feel that way. I WANT to, trust me. I want nothing more than to move on with my life and feel truly happy and complete. If that could happen without kids it would be amazing, but I want to be a biological mother so very badly. I don't know how to let that go quite yet.

Even in the infertility community I'm beginning to feel like others are passing me by. Women join the forums as they start up their first ever IUI or IVF cycles. They're full of hope. Full of the promise of the success IVF promises. But I know better now. I know that IVF is far from a guarantee. I have crowned myself the Repeated Implantation Failure Queen for that reason. But all in all, I really like to believe that I will be a biological mother. Somehow. Someday. Some way. But sometimes it feels so far away, and feels like a distant dream that will never come to fruition. All I can do is hope and pray.

Symptom Spotting by DPT

Okay, up until now I've already shared, but in the interest of having it all in place, here we go with a full up to date list...

0dp5dt
constipation
fatigue
(acupuncture)

1dp5dt
twinges/pulls
acid reflux (almost threw up when burped)
constipation
fatigue

2dp5dt
increased appetite
very emotional (crying)
sore throat
fatigue
frequent urination (but also drinking lots of water to stay hydrated)
gassy
back pain, unbearable then slowly went away

3dp5dt
bloated
constipation
cramps - started in a.m. then went away, came back worse later in day towards evening (bad overnight)
dizziness
very emotional (crying a lot again - super sensitive)

overnight - crazy frickin dreams. And very vivid - as if I was really there. Nothing baby related :(

4dp5dt
low energy (no nap but busy day... feeling almost ready for bed though and its only 630pm)
medium to bad cramps all day
average to low appetite (common for me with bad cramps)
mild nausea (common for me with bad cramps)
very emotional (crying continues)
breakout

overnight night sweats

5dp5dt
really bad lower back pain
tired easily and feeling lazy
very emotional (cried 3 times in the movie No Escape. Not exactly a tear jerker)
cramping is much milder
constipation
gas

overnight night sweats again, more vivid dream(s)... not pregnant related, but babies there... could be because I'm baby crazy!

6dp5dt (bfn)
bad lower back pain continues
feel very low energy, lazy and unmotivated
wet feeling I kind of get before AF... "know" she's getting ready to rear her ugly head
skin clearing up
constipation
mild bloat with dull AF "pain" (not cramps exactly)

Day 21 - 2dp5dt

Oh ye 2ww.... how I loathe thee... let me count the ways.

1. Symptom Spotting 
2. Emotional Turmoil
3. Ups & Downs
4. Urges to POAS
5. Time Warp

1. Symptom Spotting

This aint my first rodeo. I've been here before, too many times to count. Yet every so often I find something "new" something "I've never experienced before" that sends me into a tailspin believing this could possibly indicate a bfp is on its way. But month after month. Cycle after cycle, I'm disappointed to find out it was all in my mind, and the supposed symptom? Well just because of this or that. BOO. 

So what's going on with me today:

• I've been eating NON-stop today. Constantly hungry and onto the next thing. It's insatiable. I was however finally able to go to the bathroom and have normal bm's so I attribute that to the increased hunger... I'm rationalizing over here...
• I have had numerous weird twinges, pulls and cramps. Now this could be attributed to my ovaries shrinking back to size, it has been years since my last egg retrieval procedure and I had a lot less eggs at that, so maybe I've just forgotten or don't know fully what it feels like.
• Sudden onset of lower back pain (sort of near tailbone level). Came of out of nowhere and made sitting/laying/moving very uncomfortable. It seems to be diminishing slightly only a mere hour after it came on. Could be I slept funny or radiated out from my hip (I have a former hip injury and it has been bothering me as of late).
• Sooooo tired. All day every day. I think I've had 3 naps today. Now I have been run down with a cold, granted, so again, this can be explained away. Maybe its the stress too, just making me feel lazier/more tired than usual, who knows.

2. Emotional Turmoil

I think I've cried 3 times today, no word of a lie. It can be over something legit, or something completely ridiculous, and even knowing its silly at the time, I can't stop it. I just feel so bloody sensitive. Homme InFertile is certainly walking on pins and needles around me. 

See, when you've been ttc as long as an infertile, you want nothing more than the pain, blood, sweat and tears you've endured to turn into a beautiful bundle of joy. But yet at the same time you fear it will never happen. It's a sensitive time, and thus the stress can overwhelm and make you an oversensitive delicate flower (or at least is the case with me). 

3. Ups & Downs

Okay, so many today its more of just downs, but during the 2ww you go from optimistic blissful hopefulness, to depressed self-loathing pessimistic hatefulness. And it can happen in the blink of an eye too. Well today I've been feeling like no matter what we do we'll never be successful. I go from looking at stories of twin pregnancies, to research on reasons for recurrent IVF implantation failure. No matter what, I can't tell you with any level of certainty how I'll feel 10 minutes from now. Ahhh the infertile rollercoaster... quite the ride my friends, quite the ride.

4. Urges to POAS

So I swore up and down, sideways and backwards that I would not, under any circumstances, in no way shape or form, test before my beta. this was decided because I have seen way too many negatives for an entire lifetime. I have never once in TTC journey (or life for that matter) gotten a positive. Not once. Not even a hint of a line. Nadda. But yet I wish and pray so deeply that maybe this time I will. Maybe this month I'll for the first time in my life get to experience that feeling of seeing two pink lines side by side. And then starts the googling. "How many dpt (or days past transfer) did you get your bfp?" And the of course varied results. We're all different afterall. So when would the magic day be for us? I'm nowhere near the POAS time, but I'm already looking into the not too distant future and planning...

5. Time Warp

Seriously time moves at a snails pace in the 2ww. Ask any woman who's tried, even just for a month or two. That wait? Nothing worse. I would take another week of injecting myself over this torture hands down, and I know plenty of ladies who would say the same. I think of the fact that I'm somehow only 2 days past 5 day transfer and feel utterly defeated. Anyone got one of them handy dandy remotes like Adam Sandler in Click? Ya, could really use it about now...