So I woke up bright and early at 630am this morning in anticipation of my transfer. The crap thing about that, is that I couldn't eat or drink anything until after my appointment because I was going on anesthetic. Well my transfer wasn't until 1030am so I had a good 4 hours to suffer without food or drink. Small price to pay.
Okay so lets start with the adventure to get there...
Homme InFertile and I went to take the subway but there was a medical incident and the trains were skipping our station due to running on the express track. Greaaaaat. So we went about ground because after watching 3 express trains go by, we now didn't have time to do the whole 'ride uptown, transfer to express downtown' song and dance. But of course it's late rush hour (all hours are rush hour in NYC) and half the subway commuters had the same idea, and everyone was now looking for a taxi. One guy was waving people away as he didn't have his light on and clearly was off for the day or something. Well I ignore that and walk up to him while he's stopped at the light because there's no chance we're getting another taxi for a while, and times a ticking. He points across the park. I nod. He relunctantly unlocks the door and we clamber in. He was headed up to Harlem and we're headed to midtown hell... but we tried to tell him to just drop us on other side away from the park (we could catch a different cab there or subway, at least we'd be away from the crowd). Well he was mad at us, and refused to do that, and ended up taking us all the way where we needed to go, albeit begrudgingly. Anyways, fastest, craziest cabby I've been in in a while, but we literally arrived just on time. Phew. Homme InFertile tipped him well since he helped us out so big.
Now that we were there...
I feel like a regular at the fertility clinic. I'm sure everyone does... we live there through our cycles. But regardless it was like ya ya, I got this people...
Step 1 - change out of my clothes (watch out for the al-fresco situation)
Step 2 - paperwork and routine questions
Step 3 - get my IV administered (we used a new smaller vein since I've been poked/proded so much recently, but she was really gentle)
Step 4 - cry... not because I'm in pain, but because I felt such overwhelming anxiety, fear, hope etc. for this cycle. This was the moment I really felt like I was relinquishing control up to the universe and was having to just have faith.
Step 5 - Homme InFertile comes to join me/console me (he was looking something up for us, not ignoring me I promise)
Step 6 - Doctor comes in to make a plan 1 vs. 2* we'll come back to this
Step 7 - Anesthesiologist comes in, checks nothing has changed height/weight, tells me it won't be as involved med-wise as last times as I won't need pain meds.
Step 8 - Say by to DH, move to procedure room
Step 9 - Confirm my name, date of birth, and why I'm there
okay so this was different, but because it was a smaller vein, I could actually feel the cold/stingy sensation of the anesthesia. I remember telling them it really hurt and just as quick hand a hand on my arm soothing me saying I know then..
Step 10 - become really sle...e...p......y
Back to Step 6...
So this morning I was leaning towards just putting back in 1. Homme InFertile and I had had a discussion yesterday about if there was a really good looking naturally fertilized, maybe we'd try that since it'd be different (all our other transfers were with ICSI). Well that wasn't exactly the case.
Of our 7 ICSI embryos, 6 made it to blast. Of our 10 Natural embryos, only 2 made it to blast.
Well that threw a wrench in my plan. I now don't have as much faith in our naturally fertilized embryos. Crap. And we've done the ICSI route before. Crap. The easiest decision for me to make in that moment was to put back 1 ICSI and 1 Natural and just see what happens.
Of course I was then warned about the risks of multiples, but the doc understood given our history how this would make me feel the most secure in my decision. He also said something about my tall frame being capable of carrying twins and how he won't be quite as worried about me in that case, which made me feel slightly better. I really would prefer a singleton pregnancy, but this has been a long hard 5 years of infertility treatments, and I'm nearing my breaking point.
So 2 it is! We know that we are risking becoming pregnant with twins, and although I worry about pre-term labour and complications, if I had two bundles of joy to take home at the end of it all, well I'd count myself blessed.
Waking up in the procedure room...
So this was different. In the past, I've always woken up in the recovery rooms. Maybe they chose to let me lay there to help with implantation, who knows, but I actually really appreciated it. Of course, Homme InFertile was there to try and videotape me, but apparently I'm not as funny on this non-pain version of anesthesia. I was pretty much right away with it, just a little groggy.
I continued to lay there, had some apple juice and we were given our picture of our little embryos. Hopefully our babies' first picture. We wanted to know which was which (#5 and #9) and the naturally fertilized one is the smaller one. The I got dressed and we headed out.
Lunch and Acupuncture time...
Now since I was beyond famished, we elected to stop for a nice little healthy lunch before my post-transfer acupuncture appointment. There's a Pain Quotidien right across the street from the acu clinic, and have great gluten-free and dairy free options for me, so seemed perfect. They messed up our order... twice. But once the food arrived, it was de-li-cious and we inhaled it in no time.
Then I crossed the street for my acupuncture. Listened to "Acclimating to your baby's signature" by Alaya and Oshira of Vibrational Child which ended up being the perfect selection. At first I wondered if I should have stuck to the Circle+Bloom IVF program that I've been doing, but I find Alaya's work much stronger. I dunno, it seems to have more impact for me and my mediation time during the session was just plain beautiful, no other word to describe it.
Home and resting...
Then we came home and it's just been chill time since. I had another small nap, but my mind was racing a bit with all the wonderful optimistic possibilities, that it didn't last long. Unfortunately Homme InFertile is finally falling victim to the cold I've had (which I still haven't kicked... you kidding!?!), so looks like it'll be a super lazy weekend.
Side note: On my personal blog, I wrote a little shpeel to family/friends about respecting our privacy about our cycle from here on out, and to not ask questions or ask for updates given they can't know when the good/bad news is coming and they could reach out at a very inopportune time. This is what I wrote in case you're struggling with a similar situation, having been open up to this point:
Okay so lets start with the adventure to get there...
Homme InFertile and I went to take the subway but there was a medical incident and the trains were skipping our station due to running on the express track. Greaaaaat. So we went about ground because after watching 3 express trains go by, we now didn't have time to do the whole 'ride uptown, transfer to express downtown' song and dance. But of course it's late rush hour (all hours are rush hour in NYC) and half the subway commuters had the same idea, and everyone was now looking for a taxi. One guy was waving people away as he didn't have his light on and clearly was off for the day or something. Well I ignore that and walk up to him while he's stopped at the light because there's no chance we're getting another taxi for a while, and times a ticking. He points across the park. I nod. He relunctantly unlocks the door and we clamber in. He was headed up to Harlem and we're headed to midtown hell... but we tried to tell him to just drop us on other side away from the park (we could catch a different cab there or subway, at least we'd be away from the crowd). Well he was mad at us, and refused to do that, and ended up taking us all the way where we needed to go, albeit begrudgingly. Anyways, fastest, craziest cabby I've been in in a while, but we literally arrived just on time. Phew. Homme InFertile tipped him well since he helped us out so big.
Now that we were there...
I feel like a regular at the fertility clinic. I'm sure everyone does... we live there through our cycles. But regardless it was like ya ya, I got this people...
Step 1 - change out of my clothes (watch out for the al-fresco situation)
Step 2 - paperwork and routine questions
Step 3 - get my IV administered (we used a new smaller vein since I've been poked/proded so much recently, but she was really gentle)
Step 4 - cry... not because I'm in pain, but because I felt such overwhelming anxiety, fear, hope etc. for this cycle. This was the moment I really felt like I was relinquishing control up to the universe and was having to just have faith.
Step 5 - Homme InFertile comes to join me/console me (he was looking something up for us, not ignoring me I promise)
Step 6 - Doctor comes in to make a plan 1 vs. 2* we'll come back to this
Step 7 - Anesthesiologist comes in, checks nothing has changed height/weight, tells me it won't be as involved med-wise as last times as I won't need pain meds.
Step 8 - Say by to DH, move to procedure room
Step 9 - Confirm my name, date of birth, and why I'm there
okay so this was different, but because it was a smaller vein, I could actually feel the cold/stingy sensation of the anesthesia. I remember telling them it really hurt and just as quick hand a hand on my arm soothing me saying I know then..
Step 10 - become really sle...e...p......y
Back to Step 6...
So this morning I was leaning towards just putting back in 1. Homme InFertile and I had had a discussion yesterday about if there was a really good looking naturally fertilized, maybe we'd try that since it'd be different (all our other transfers were with ICSI). Well that wasn't exactly the case.
Of our 7 ICSI embryos, 6 made it to blast. Of our 10 Natural embryos, only 2 made it to blast.
Well that threw a wrench in my plan. I now don't have as much faith in our naturally fertilized embryos. Crap. And we've done the ICSI route before. Crap. The easiest decision for me to make in that moment was to put back 1 ICSI and 1 Natural and just see what happens.
Of course I was then warned about the risks of multiples, but the doc understood given our history how this would make me feel the most secure in my decision. He also said something about my tall frame being capable of carrying twins and how he won't be quite as worried about me in that case, which made me feel slightly better. I really would prefer a singleton pregnancy, but this has been a long hard 5 years of infertility treatments, and I'm nearing my breaking point.
So 2 it is! We know that we are risking becoming pregnant with twins, and although I worry about pre-term labour and complications, if I had two bundles of joy to take home at the end of it all, well I'd count myself blessed.
Waking up in the procedure room...
So this was different. In the past, I've always woken up in the recovery rooms. Maybe they chose to let me lay there to help with implantation, who knows, but I actually really appreciated it. Of course, Homme InFertile was there to try and videotape me, but apparently I'm not as funny on this non-pain version of anesthesia. I was pretty much right away with it, just a little groggy.
that little window is the passthrough to embryologist
I continued to lay there, had some apple juice and we were given our picture of our little embryos. Hopefully our babies' first picture. We wanted to know which was which (#5 and #9) and the naturally fertilized one is the smaller one. The I got dressed and we headed out.
Lunch and Acupuncture time...
Now since I was beyond famished, we elected to stop for a nice little healthy lunch before my post-transfer acupuncture appointment. There's a Pain Quotidien right across the street from the acu clinic, and have great gluten-free and dairy free options for me, so seemed perfect. They messed up our order... twice. But once the food arrived, it was de-li-cious and we inhaled it in no time.
Then I crossed the street for my acupuncture. Listened to "Acclimating to your baby's signature" by Alaya and Oshira of Vibrational Child which ended up being the perfect selection. At first I wondered if I should have stuck to the Circle+Bloom IVF program that I've been doing, but I find Alaya's work much stronger. I dunno, it seems to have more impact for me and my mediation time during the session was just plain beautiful, no other word to describe it.
Home and resting...
Then we came home and it's just been chill time since. I had another small nap, but my mind was racing a bit with all the wonderful optimistic possibilities, that it didn't last long. Unfortunately Homme InFertile is finally falling victim to the cold I've had (which I still haven't kicked... you kidding!?!), so looks like it'll be a super lazy weekend.
Side note: On my personal blog, I wrote a little shpeel to family/friends about respecting our privacy about our cycle from here on out, and to not ask questions or ask for updates given they can't know when the good/bad news is coming and they could reach out at a very inopportune time. This is what I wrote in case you're struggling with a similar situation, having been open up to this point:
One thing that I'll ask at this point, since we're getting close to transfer. Please do not text or call for updates on how it turned out. At this point it will just be a waiting game for us, and a very painful stressful one at that. We won't know the outcome until the end of the month unfortunately, and once we find out the result (good or bad) we may need some time to process it. We know you are/will be excited to find out and waiting in anticipation, but know that if it is a negative outcome, we'll need some time to grieve, and untimely messages etc. may make that more difficult. If you don't hear from us early May, assume no news is bad news. If we have good news, we will be thrilled to share that with those closest to us one by one, and that may also take some time. So be patient with us. :) Thank you though for all your support, positive vibes and kind words of encouragement up to this point. We love you all and are so grateful for how wonderful you've been in this process.
