Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Going Home

So this past week I went back to my "hometown" ... well let's be honest, I don't have a hometown. My family is completely dispersed across the world, and I've spent my life divided in different cities/countries. But when I say hometown, I refer to my most recent "home" of Calgary, Alberta, Canada.

Anyways... going back is supposed to be super fun, visiting with all my old friends, catching up. But honestly, now that I've moved away, coming back is just plain hard. I go home and all of my friends are pregnant (some with their second), or busy with their young families/babies. Seriously. I have very few friends whose lives don't revolve around family now. That's not to say I don't want to visit with them, but as I'm sure many of you can relate to, being around it is a sore reminder of what we're missing. It's hard to feign excitement when you just want to cry. I love my friends, and I love their kids so so much, but I'm realizing now how toxic that environment is for me. On the one hand, I don't want to miss out on their lives, but on the other hand it stirs up feelings of resentment and jealousy, and that's never healthy.

So it leaves us infertiles in a sticky spot. I'm no longer excited to go home. Sure I'm happy to visit, but in place of excitement is hesitation and a pit in my stomach. Even my sister in law is pregnant. And that is so so exciting! I'm going to be an aunty! But all I can think about is the fact that I started trying so much earlier than her! Heck, we were trying years before she even got married! I know I'm going to love my first niece/nephew, but feel sad that I still don't know when I'll be able to give that love to my own daughter/son.

Blah! It's a blah kind of day, that's all I can say!

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