Testing Testing 1 2 3

Overload of information at our appointment! Long and short? Public health care sucks. Or our previous clinic did... take your pick! Basically he confirmed that we really knew nothing about our care... and not only that, but he really had to read through the lines at the information included in our file. 

Case and point, it stated poor ovarian reserve, but then contradicted itself saying poor outcome regardless of good ovarian response. 

Anyways, we were super happy with our new doctor. He seems extremely knowledgeable, and compassionate towards our situation. He seems determined to find what the problem is, and isn't just masking it with "unexplained" and let's throw some IVF at it. That's not to say he doesn't think IVF is the best route for us, in fact the opposite, but he's just saying that he wants to treat us as precisely and thoughtfully as possible. Exactly what we wanted to hear.

So step one is a lot... I repeat A LOT of testing. On the day of our appointment I got some bloodwork drawn, we checked my lining thickness, and took a look at my ovarian reserve (which was indeed low). We also found a cyst which wasn't super surprising. 

Step two is for me to get a  ____ test, and the husband to see a urologist to find out if he has varicocele. 

Then, on a cycle that the timing works, I'll get a uterine biopsy done. Since I have an odd shaped path to the uterus he's going to sedate me so I'll sleep for the procedure. While there, he'll also do an SHG, and a trial run with the catheter to know what to do on transfer day. This is necessary because we've had difficult transfers in the past, possibly contributing to our negative outcomes.

Then I might get tested for Killer attack cells, and then hubby and I will get tested for DQ Alpha match to see if our genes are compatible. If I have killer attack cells then I'll likely do intralipid treatments. These tests are paid out of pocket (and not cheap) and yet the intralipid therapy is covered under insurance. Makes no sense... so we're half tempted to ask if its worth simply going ahead with intralipids regardless if I need them. Though with all my immune issues, I'm pretty confident that I do!

Hubby can also get tested for his sperm DNA fragmentation. If there is high fragmentation then the doc will suggest doing PICSI on fertilization day. We're going to ask if we can skip the first test, and just do PICSI regardless since both are paid out of pocket. Seems silly to test for something just to confirm or deny that we need it... and if needing it pay more out of pocket. might as well just pay for doing it, right?!

Anyways. That's all the testing we're looking at right now. He says depending on what everything turns up, he'd like to maybe only put 1 back in. Of course immediately I'm hesitant since our last two rounds of IVF we transferred 2 embryos each time with negative outcomes. He says he'll agree to 2 if I'm adamant. I was... but now I'm not so sure... I really believe in him, and trust him, and would rather not have to deal with the complications that can arise with twins, so feel inclined to just do 1 if we really think it'll work. 

I dunno.. brain is exploding with all the info.

Planning Priorities

Okay so a little bit of a vent here..  sometimes (okay MOST of the time) being infertile really frickin sucks. Not only is the stress and pain awful, but we also have to schedule schedule schedule. First we're scheduling sex. Then we're scheduling appointments. Then finally we schedule the actual cycles. Then schedule all the needles and bloodwork and follow ups ... it goes on and on... Our lives start feeling like they're not our own anymore.

Case in point. A good friend of mine is getting married in the New Year. Great! Exciting! So since I'm a photographer she is all but begging me to shoot her wedding. Would love to do that, BUT... and here's the BUT. I don't know if I can!?

So we're meeting with our fertility clinic next Friday (t-minus 10ish days) which I'm freaking excited for ... side tangent- my hubby and I laugh about how far we've come from that first fertility appointment. We're so comfortable with our infertility now that we walk into the clinics like no biggie, we're joking and laughing and going about our business like it's no big deal. This is not meant to be diminishing for anyone who finds them stressful- trust me, we've been there! But rather showing that for us it's become so much easier and commonplace. That first time we walked in I remember being on the constant verge of tears, and avoiding eye contact with anyone and everyone else in the room, dreading seeing a familiar face. Now I see those poor individuals and am grateful for how much strength I've been able to find. That's my gratitude for the day.

Anyways, so what's frustrating though is having to 1) wait for this appointment and now 2) have to wait to chat at the appointment to find out cycling dates to then decide if my friends wedding is even something I can attend, let along photograph! Fingers crossed I'd be pregnant by then, but if first round is unsuccessful, then 3) when would we do the second round? It puts all plans up in the air. A normal couple can just do the deed anywhere they go. Us? We have to be bound to needle schedules and ultrasound and bloodwork appointments. It just feels really unfair sometimes.

Okay rant done. 

An Original Poem: Every Day

You say to me; enjoy this time,

but this time of mine, I don't need, I'm fine

You say to enjoy the freedom I have,

but freedom I lack, I do not laugh

You say be brave, be patient and trust,

but trust is lost, and question I must

You say you believe, and feel you know,

but promise, you can't, and faith is slow

You say you miss the life I lead,

but what when life I lose and bleed

You say you care, you understand,

but each time I fall I find no hand

So what you need to see, I say,

is I hurt, I hope, I blame, I pray

Every Day

-written by Femme InFertile

Three Weeks

The countdown is officially on... and the wait is killing me. I knew that I wanted to choose a quality doctor with a long wait over a less experienced doctor with a short wait, and I feel good about my decision, but man alive is the wait torturous or what! I made this appointment what feels like months ago. I'm sure there's evidence in my blog to the contrary, but it definitely feels that way.

I guess I'm just in the headspace to start really trying again. We tried naturally for a number of months again recently and it felt like beating my head against a wall. I mean, when more advanced techniques don't work and your odds are so low naturally you kind of want to laugh at yourself for even being remotely hopeful. But I was, and then the heartache came back each month. I'd say the disappointment isn't any less, but because it has become the norm and expected, the lack of shock of another unsuccessful cycle means one less emotion to work through at least.

I'm so curious about this clinic. About this doctor. I was so frustrated with my prior doctor and him thinking so confidently that we really didn't need help. I hope this one believe in our struggle and actively pursues approaches that will stack our odds. I'll get a sense when I meet him. While doing my research I definitely just trusted my gut but now of course I'm questioning all that. I really wish I could connect with someone who has had a personal experience with Dr. Drew Tortoriello form Sher NYC, so if you have message me up! Or if you know someone... send them my way haha.

Anyways. I'm trying to get in the headspace again. I'm in this weird rush, but I don't know why. I just feel such an urgent need to move ahead with my life. I'm sure this is a landmark in the infertility journey that others have hit and know what I'm talking about. I'm just fed up with the lack of control I have over my own situation and my own destiny. At some point I just have to put my hands up and say I hand over the power. I just don't know how to do it. And maybe I won't until I feel full heartedly like I've done all I can in my power before then.

Once we have our consult, I'm sure we're going to be sent for more testing, and THAT I'm NOT looking forward to. I'll be sent for another HSG no doubt... that was less than pleasant, but I'll manage. But what I'm most curious about is when we will end up cycling. Will it be this year? Next year? It's really hard to say. Where's a crystal ball when you need it?!