The Sad Truth About Infertility

NOTE: This was written about a week ago. I took some time to process it before posting to avoid any knee jerk reaction type scenarios. Funny how things work. This particular friend actually face-timed me AS I was writing this. If you believe in energetic connections like I do, this was definitely one of those moments. I believe she just knew I was feeling upset, and related to her... subconsciously of course. Anyways, enough of that mumbo jumbo. Feel free to read my emotional rant below. Take it with a grain of salt knowing I was just having a really crummy day all around.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I'm not entirely sure what compelled me to write this today. I could pinpoint a moment scrolling through Facebook perhaps, but it's more likely a culmination of things, a build up to this moment in time. So with that, I want to share some thoughts on the sad truth about infertility.

First though, I want to acknowledge it's not all bad. There are good days too. Infertility can be something that makes us stronger, that tests us to our very limits, and breaks us down to little pieces, forcing us to build ourselves back up. We become warriors, and fearless. We learn perspective and grace. But we also carry a lot that is less than pretty... ugly at times, in fact. 

The sad truth is, infertility makes us jealous. It makes us resentful. It can even turn us into anti-social and closed-off individuals if we let it. Facebook for instance, a place of social interaction, sharing of pictures and our life adventures, becomes a place to fear for us infertiles. It becomes a place to avoid. Why? Because it bears so many reminders of the life we so desperately desire, and our inability to achieve it. It depresses at a time when we so desperately need to be lifted up. The irony is we log on to escape boredom or to be lifted, but it can have the opposite effect. Sure we can be happy for our friends and their beautiful children, but those images that they share so freely feel like a dagger to our hearts with each and every post. We love seeing the smiles on your face, and love in your eyes, but it simultaneously makes us sad. We don't have beautiful maternity photos of ourselves. We have no beautiful memories with our children to share. We lack, or feel our lives lack. 

As our friends and family move forward with their lives, we feel like we are being excluded from a very precious and prestigious (although I'll acknowledge, seemingly tiring and challenging) club. We aren't ignorant. We know motherhood is no walk in the park. Those warrior mothers deserve to share their triumph. I don't suggest we take away from their glory. But, unfortunately, their glory can make us feel like even more of a failure. See, infertility is something you can't really understand until you experience it. You might think you know the pain, or can imagine it, but it overwhelms. Life is filled with constant reminders of our ineptitude. I can't conceive, therefore I am not worthy. I am not worthy of bearing a child. I am not worthy of a family. I am not worthy of your precious mommy's club. 

You can't commiserate with me on your lack of sleep, because you know I will likely feel little sympathy, either feigning it unconvincingly, or instead telling you to be grateful for the precious gift of experiencing motherhood. You tell me I say this now, that I don't know or understand what's in store, and that is exactly the point. I don't know. I don't KNOW if I'll ever know. But at the same time, I know so much. 

I know the pain of years and years of sleepless nights wondering if this treatment finally worked. 

I know the exhaustion of self-administering needle after needle with nothing to show for it.

I know the emotional turmoil of feeling like I've let my husband down.

I know the sadness of a heart that aches for something I don't know that I'll ever experience.

I know the heartbreak of wanting so fully, and working so hard for it, to come up empty handed, month after month... year after year. 

I know I don't KNOW. And that hurts. 

We are no longer part of the same world, you and me. We are no longer sharing in the same human experience. Mine differs drastically from yours, and yours from mine. And that's okay. But you see, I am forced to accept and be comfortable with your over-sharing of baby pictures, while a small mention of my infertility is off-putting. It's taboo. It makes you and everyone else uncomfortable. You don't know what to say. You think I am trying to make you feel bad for me, or guilty for being happy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I want you to be happy, and am glad you are. I want to be happy too. Some days I am! Some days I'm filled with so much joy that I forget about my struggles temporarily. Some days are harder. Society doesn't know how to handle us. We're the outliers, or are led to believe we are. But we infertiles are millions. It's just that society doesn't like talking about it. 

The sad truth is that today I feel ugly inside. I feel jealous and resentful. I feel like I've been dealt a crap hand deal after deal with no option to trade in, while those around me are handed royal flushes. I am sad for myself. And I judge myself for that. As if being infertile and dealing with all of this isn't enough, I feel bad, for feeling bad. 

I feel like I should be grateful for my health. 

I feel like I should be grateful for a roof over my head, and a healthy meal to eat. 

I feel like I should be grateful to have found the love of my life, and even be working towards a family.

I feel like I should forget about the pain and suffering I am experiencing because it could be worse.

Well of course it could be. Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone experiences pain and heartbreak. If you look for someone who has it worse, you're undoubtedly going to find them. The world is full of pain and misery. Maybe you are scrolling Facebook and sick of seeing pictures of me and my husband adorably traveling the world side by side with smiles on our faces, and that causes you pain because your relationship isn't strong, or maybe you are doing this solo. I get it. I'm blessed with a beautiful relationship I believe is 1 in a million. I AM grateful. I DO feel blessed. But that doesn't mean the pain I feel surrounding my inability to start a family is any less valid. 

I have friends afraid to come crying or complaining to me about trying for 3 months. DO it. COMPLAIN! It's okay, I'm not going to bite your head off so long as you do it with empathy in your heart. I've been there. I remember the psycho mess I was back then. I'll help guide you. Don't face this pain alone because you think mine is worse. Accept mine, and I'll accept yours. We're in this together! When you do get pregnant, don't just post it on Facebook and avoid me, that only wedges our worlds further apart. Instead build a bridge of understanding between us. Text me your news very lightly and allow me time to absorb it on my own. Don't Facetime me and put me on the spot, in a position to put a smile on my face to make you feel good. I don't ever want to take away from your glory, but understand it will be hard for me, just as I did for you. Continue to reach out to me, ask me how I am, how I'm doing. Don't stop asking because I don't bring it up. Since you've had a kid, I feel like maybe you don't care anymore... and I feel very alone. 

I know my mommy friends feel this way. They feel afraid to share their lives with me. Just above I told you I wasn't going to feel bad for you when you complain about the pains of motherhood. Don't misunderstand... I will serve as a reminder to why you did it. I will serve as a reminder to be grateful. And if you don't like that, maybe complain to your other mommy friends, and instead let me enjoy your company without the conversation always being about you and baby. It may be hard for me, but the truth it I never want to stop being part of your life. You feeling awkward about it makes me feel like the kid that got invited to the party that no one is friends with... they're just there because people felt bad discluding them. Don't include me just for the sake of it. Include me because you want me to be part of your life, and because you want to continue to be part of mine... even if it no longer matches yours, or isn't always rosy rainbows and sunshine. Because I love you, and cherish our friendship, even if our lives have veered in different directions. Hopefully it's only temporarily. But be patient with me as I am unbearably impatient with myself and my own circumstances.

Right now I need a friend. I need the comfort of feeling my battalion at my side. But yet I feel very, very alone. 

Symptoms Shmymptoms

So as you probably saw in my last very brief post, my husband lost his job.
Our lives quickly got turned upside down from planning on starting IVF, to ensuring basic survival. After all, our lease was up for renewal (current lease is done Feb 28 and the signed paperwork is still sitting on our counter) and we didn't even know if we were going to be staying in New York!!! Still really don't I guess...

I promptly started applying for jobs. Of course, I can't work in the states unless I'm sponsored by a company, which is near impossible... so I was applying back in Canada as well as oversees (UK and Australia, both of which have agreements with Canada).

Homme InFertile on the other hand has not been looking for jobs, but people have been contacting him. Man, jealous! ...wouldn't that be nice... So he's got options. I can't go into any details, but many POTENTIAL opportunities here in NY, we'll see if any pan out. But then our question is are they lucrative enough to make sense for the high cost of living without me being able to work, and our plans to raise a family.

So we play a waiting game. He's off at an interview right now. Additional ones this week. And of course AF arrived for me today so I'm wallowing on the couch. Ok, let's stop and talk about THAT for a second. This month I actually believed I was pregnant. Yes. Me! Really! What the heck, I thought I was over and done with this madness of getting my hopes naively up. I'm not sad, there's no tears. I've been at this long enough that I've become immune to the disappointment. I know better. But it still sucks. Basically here's why I believed I was, and why you really don't have a f'ing clue until AF shows, or a test turns positive (and I refused to test until AF was at least 4 days to a week late, and we were only 1-2 days late yesterday).

Okay so breakdown of NON-pregnancy symptoms that had me convinced by rough DPO:

0 DPO - timing etc was all perfect.
5/6 DPO - weird spotting, like little light pink fleshy discharge. In 5 years of TTC never once have I had this. (I now attribute it maybe to the recent biopsy but still have no real clue).
6-8 DPO - cold, woke up every morning really stuffy, immune system just felt down
8-10 DPO - nausea in spells, but at same time really hungry (I do get this sometimes before AF)
10-13 DPO - very mild cramping, but different, like in ovaries, and pulling, and then not very bloated, and not much of a breakout... more lack of symptoms here had me confused.
12 DPO - napped in afternoon. Exhausted. Very very thirsty. Like drinking so so much water. Never had this issue before. This continued on into AF. Could be due to new pills?
13 DPO - napped mid-day. Exhausted. Darker/larger areolas with little bumps- weird !!? never noticed, but now curious if I always get this before AF. I'm going to start watching.... Could be stress related, or due to me having played volleyball for 4 hours straight yesterday, or all the new vitamins and acupuncture. Still never noticed this before so it was odd!!! LP for me is usually 12 days on the dot. I think FF miscalculated my O, but still after adjusting that makes a 13 LP this month (or 14 if no adjustment). I attribute this change to starting accupuncture again maybe.
spotting (I get this every month so not a sign but wanted to include)

So I've not a huge symptom spotter but the big things that were so different and noticed were:
1) weird discharge I thought was IB/IS at 5DPO
2) non-symptoms -ie. no breakout, no normal cramps, no bloat
3) darker/larger areolas
4) longer LP (even by a day was odd)
5) extreme thirst

So I'm now going to continue to watch and see if maybe acupuncture is to thank for a longer LP and lesser symptoms. FX that I can hope for this kind of cycle every cycle to be honest. Maybe LP will even stretch to 14... that'd be good!

This is as a warning to not count your chickens before they hatch. Even as a TTC veteran I was tricked by my body. I forgot that when you start doing things differently, and you're already so in tune with your body, you're bound to notice even some subtle differences and hope the changes you made mean a BFP.

So onwards and upwards I suppose. Since hubs numbers came back so good, and since I'm doing acupuncture and on my diet, I all of a sudden believe it's possible (although perhaps less likely) to get a bfp naturally. I'm planning on ordering pre-seed so we can continue to try until we figure out insurance and our plans to continue with IVF. The logical part of me knows we should sort our life out first, but the infertile me knows that you cannot time or plan these things, and it'll happen when it happens ready or not. So I'm not stopping just because of a bump in the road.

Forge onwards!

Cold & Flu Season

Ugh. WHyyyy!? All of a sudden temperatures in New York took a nose dive and it's frackin' freezing out. Don't let the beautiful sun and blue skies deceive you...

Anyway. I don't solely place blame on the weather. In reality, I know the reason why I'm down with a bad cold at the moment is due to being overworked during New York Fashion Week. Luckily for me, the three shows I was working on are done, and I can now rest up. I went to acupuncture on Friday hoping she could boost my immune system, but I think at this point my body needed to flush it out and regenerate after. In fact, the two points she did on my chest to help, one of them bruised, and the other spot a bump popped up (kind of like a little allergic reaction type bump). That tells me those points were definitely weaker than normal. So I'm trying to not be too pouty about the fact that I have a leaky faucet for a nose, and just trust that my body knows what it needs to do and rest and get lots of liquids.

Homme Infertile is doing a nice job of taking care of me even though he's been super stressed about his follow up appointment this afternoon. On that note... all good! Yay. My gut, intuition, whatever you wanna call it, had me feeling like he'd be fine, but I'm still glad to have it confirmed! Obviously we already know he has varicocele, but his sperm analysis and culture came back with fantastic results. In fact his morphology went up!!! How amazing is that!? So this appointment honestly could not have gone remotely better. Gives us a nice little positivity boost going into our cycle for sure!

Then, we went for bloodwork. They took 10, I repeat a whopping 10 vials of blood from me!!!
No lie. Here's proof!!! 

That whole basket of vials I had to fill. Needless to say I was a little lightheaded afterwards.

So now we wait on those results, but we're pretty certain that they will all be fine and dandy.
The other thing I have to do is a pap smear. Really? We couldn't have just gotten that over and done with during my uterine biopsy!? Seems completely redundant and frustrating to me, but such is life.
So I'll plan to get that done this week and then we can get a move on. Likely cycling in March. 

Biopsy Results

They're in, and they're less than ideal....

ENDOMETRIOSIS

It was definitely something we've been concerned about, but the firm diagnosis makes me sad.

I don't have much to say at this point in time other than we're not doing a laparoscopy at this time. Diet seems to minimize symptoms and no firm proof that surgery improves fertility rates. In fact, the risks seem too high for the potential reward.

Hubby has sperm analysis and culture today, so we'll see those results and have a better picture after his urology follow up.

Head is spinning. Need time to process.
On top of it, work is insane (I'm doing casting for fashion week) so I have a lot distracting me at the moment. Too much going on all at once.

In positive news, I splurged on a new purse to lift my spirits. I give you, the consolation prize:

I'm sure I'll be back soon with more to talk about... but for now... just keep swimming... just keep swimming... 

"I feel drunk"

So today was the day I've been waiting for... dreading perhaps, but also excited to get done. My biopsy day along with SHG and trial transfer.

I couldn't eat past midnight so last night made a late dinner, nice and healthy, and ensured I drank lots of water before bed. I was feeling prepared and organized and proud of myself... that is, until my husband FaceTimed me. I could feel his guilt, and I tried to hold it together to not make him feel any worse, but my anxiety got the best of me and started tearing up, unable to speak. I had to hang up... it was just making me think about it all too much and I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up the next morning and get the show on the road.

So that's what I did. I didn't have the best sleep, which isn't surprising given my stress about it all. I woke up before my alarm, worried it wouldn't go off. Neurotic much!? I had a nice long cuddle with my pup. It's like a real life teddy bear!!!

Then I got myself organized and my mom and I headed down to my appointment. I didn't realize it was a holiday (being Canadian and all) and so we ended up being there really early since there was no traffic. When we got there I checked in and sat in the waiting room. Was nice to have someone there with me.

Then a nurse came out, called my name and brought me back. She was really sweet, gave me overly detailed instructions, and then left me to change. I was lookin' and feelin' pretty sexy ;)

She came back and had me fill out a bunch of paperwork - really I couldn't have done this when I had underwear on? Once that was done she put in my IV (ouch. not fun) and I was thankful she was gentle with me. I think she felt bad that my hubby wasn't there with me and that I was so visibly anxious (I couldn't stop tearing).

Once I had my IV in I had a bit of waiting time. DH texted me, only making me more emotional, and then to top it all off the first song we ever danced to came over the music sound system. Floodgates opened. I rely on him so heavily, but he really is truly my best friend and anchor and I would have loved to have had his hand to hold up until the procedure. Oh well.

My anesthesiologist came to give me the rundown on what to expect, asked me if I was allergic to any drugs (this was the 4th time I was asked today... clearly they've had a problem with this in the past haha) and then got my stats - height/weight etc. to calculate dosage I think. Then he took me into the room.

Best part? I stood up forgetting my butt would be hanging out and he had to kindly close my back for me. I clearly was so consumed in my fear I didn't even feel the al fresco situation going on in the back. Oh man.

Then we got settled and doc came in and went over our procedures, had me repeat back to him what I was having. We were talking and the last thing I remember is me telling him he was going blurry.

Then I woke up... feeling... very confused "How did they get me here?" I asked my mom, now sitting in the room. She didn't know but just laughed at me with my eyes halfway open slurring my words. "I feel drunk" I said to her. So she took some pictures of me to send my DH to let him know I was alright.

Looking goooooood haha

"I feel drunk... but I'm good!"

I had zero pain. zero nausea. And soooooo much relief. Once my nurse gave me a juice to help me refresh, and sat me up, my doc came in to debrief.

mmmm juice. Nurse offered me a second because I downed it so fast.

1) SHG - no concerns. no polyps. totally normal looking. this is good news! :) yay
2) biopsy - went well. test results in about 10 days or so
3) trial transfer - issues as expected... he had to pull with itty bitty forceps on my cervix to straighten out the path or something to that effect, and then he was able to get in. He could see why my past transfers were noted as difficult, and has a plan of action going into our future transfer now, so good thing we did it!

So that's it for now. The waiting for this "horrible" but in the end, easy peasy simple procedure is over. Now the waiting for results... That I can do. All my anxiety is gone and I feel so much better. Especially after my nap with my fur baby again. Dogs are the best!

nap time

Bloodwork cancelled!

Hey all... so my clinic called me as I was on the way to my appointment to have blood work done for immune and NK testing. They didn't realize their lab doesn't do that specific testing on Fridays....

REALLY?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WTF?

These were the emotions and thoughts that rushed through my mind. I've been waiting a while to do this test, and we picked a day and time that was most ideal for my hubby (all appointments are between 9 and 11 am and he works). Had we KNOWN in advance that blood testing for NK and immune wasn't doable on Fridays we obviously would have scheduled another day earlier this week because....
.... he's away for a full week starting tomorrow. This pushes EVERYTHING back. So frustrating. I took a few deep breaths, whoosawwwwd a little (if you don't know what I'm referencing, it's from the movie Bad Boys haha) and then once I calmed myself sent this email to my doc:

Good morning Dr. _____,
My husband and I were supposed to come in today to get blood drawn for immune testing but were called last minute to be advised that it cannot be done on Fridays.
We were somewhat disappointed we were told 30 minutes before our appointment especially since my husband is away all next week. Had we known in advance, we could have done this another day earlier this week. Disappointing as this is, mistakes happen and we just want to put together a plan to move forward and I'm trying to decide whether at this point we should bother.. so a few questions would help us if you don't mind...
I noticed in some of my research that sometimes NK activity can be recognized in the uterine biopsy. Is this true?
Is there a difference between localized NK activity in the uterus versus the bloodstream?
What information would we be gaining from this testing that would alter our protocol other than possibly a steroid like prednisone or intralipids? ie. what information from Eric's or my test results would contribute to a change in approach?
In your professional opinion do you feel as though this immune testing is of high importance to our treatment? or will it depend on what results come of our biopsy/shg?
On a separate note:
What is the cost for PGS? We are considering the possibility of doing it if we have a high embryo yield.
Is PGS something we need to decide on prior to beginning our cycle, or is it something that can be flexibly added/removed as we progress?
Thank you, as usual, for your time and expertise! :)

Now hopefully I came across as a calm, sane person (inside I didn't feel that way haha). I'm a little hot headed sometimes and out of principle hate when people are stupid. I felt like this was one such instance, but not sure who the stupid individual was... haha whooosawwwwww ... let it go. poof. gone.

I did NOT mention the funny thing. What's the funny thing you ask? Well the funny thing is that all morning I had been questioning whether this was a road I really wanted to go down. Do I believe in Intralipids? Do I think its the answer to our infertility woes? The fertility industry is very torn on the topic, more heavily weighted against it with articles explaining elevated NK could be related to stresses from the blood sample drawing, to the fact that elevated NK are existent in perfectly fertile couples, to little to no evidence or correlation to therapies used and positive outcomes. I mean its all over the place. Do I want to be successful? Yes. Do I want to sit and get multiple IVs and pay out of pocket for it if I don't need it? No. Do I want to pay $500 out of pocket just to have the test when I don't know if I even want the therapy or believe in the validity of it? BLehhahghhh... I dunno!?!!? NO?

Why is there so much for an infertile to decide about!?

So moving forward, Monday I still have my biopsy/SHG/trial transfer, and part of me believes that's what I need. Honestly... part of me thinks my uterus just needs a good scratch, clean out, and ripe new start. I dunno. I feel so confused right now.


*****
update:

Doc got back to me. I think we'll forego testing and if the therapies are covered just go ahead and do them. We're only doing 2 more transfers tops at this point, so might as well go all in and give ourselves the best chance possible.
I also read this blog post of another gal, and it encouraged me to just give it a go. Never know.

3rd Times a Charm

So first check up I was realistic, I knew I'd need to go a second time. But then being told to go a third within a week (just tracking ovulation) kind of sucked. My body never cooperates.
So Friday (yesterday) I went back. Same old routine ensued... Vaginal Ultrasound (brrr that freezing cold blue jelly is sure to wake you up!), then bloodwork (always the same vein), and then me sitting sipping green tea latte because I get faint.

DAY 3

THE FAVOURITE VEIN WINS AGAIN

ROUTINE GREEN TEA LATTE

Because I experienced a temperature dip that morning I was hopeful I was ovulating on my own. The eggie was nice and big and all the other follicles had diminished, so it was looking like I wouldn't have to have the ovidrel shot to induce ovulation.

I got a call later in the day telling me my blood showed no surge and I would have to take the shot. BOO! My body continues to be on its own timeline haha, which I'm fine with... I'm a little slow moving myself, but not ideal for the eggie health I guess. I dunno.

So I went to the pharmacy and dished out a hundred bucks for a shot to tell my body to release the egg. This is when I really started to get cranky. I've spent a good 2 hours total this week at the doc office to track ovulation, which never happened, and am now dishing out money to make it happen, all the while being "rewarded" with injecting myself with a needle of hormones. Oh needles... how I haven't missed you... Yay. :|

THE SHOT

FAT TISSUE SQUISH

THE ITTY BITTY TEENY TINY WOUND

NOT SO BAD

The shot itself was totally fine. Not nearly as bad as the HCG shot to trigger release that I had for my first IVF. I remember it was so big I had to ice before and after. Maybe this one was smaller because I only had 1 egg to release... not sure. Fingers crossed its just gotten better in my absense and this is what I can expect during my upcoming fresh cycle cuz that was easy peasy lemon squeezie!

THEN... duh duh duhhhhh... the hormones started kicking in. As I said, I was kind of cranky to begin with, but then it was a whole new level. I think I'm super sensitive to drugs, but I started feeling uber angry at my husband (no good reason whatsoever) and emotional. So I went to bed, deciding that was just in everyones best interest haha. But then I couldn't sleep. I was hot, I felt like my skin was crawling, and some crazy ass dreams to top off a horrible nights sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling better. I definitely think I'm ovulating as the ovulation pain has increased slightly, so drugs must be doing their job.

Biopsy is now scheduled for Monday January 18th and my DH (darling husband) is going to be out of town. My mom is trying to get a standby buddy pass off my stepsister to come out and take care of me as I'll be under anethesia for the biopsy, SHG and trial transfers. When I come out of it, they want you to have a chaperone, and although I now have a few friends I could probably count on, its happening mid-morning and they all work. Anyways, hopefully my mom can score a pass, otherwise i'll just suck it up and take care of myself. Us infertiles are tough beasts! :)

Testing Phase

So the testing has begun. I went in on Monday for my first check-up at RE to be monitored for ovulation. Once I ovulate, we schedule the biopsy for 10 DPO (days past ovulation). I've been stressing because I really wanted my husband to take me as they're putting me under in order to do the biopsy, SHG and trial transfer all at the same time, just to make things easier. Unfortunately he'll be away for a week starting next Saturday, and so timing is super unfortunate in that my 10dpo looks like it falls right during that week. Of course it does.

DAY 1

Anyways, I went on Monday to start being tracked. I'm going to be sharing images of the whole experience from start (of testing) through stimming, through transfer and beta. Below is the view from sitting in my stirrups. Quite glamorous.

THE VIEW

THE VAGINAL ULTRASOUND SCREEN

TIME FOR BLOODWORK 

MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME haha

While at my first appointment, the doc actually thought I might be ready to ovulate on Wednesday and that he'd trigger me to ensure ovulation happens and that we know exactly when.

DAY 2

Well I go back Wednesday and no such luck... eggie just taking her sweet time growing. Brutal. Had I ovulated Wednesday, there was a chance the biopsy would get scheduled for next Friday the 15th (the day before my husband leaves). So doc says based on egg size, I needed to go back tomorrow (Friday) to get re-checked. Well this a.m. I had a temp spike which could indicate ovulation. The thing is, my body likes to psych me out, and I often have little random rises that don't actual signify ovulation. So who knows... and based on my egg size its unlikely, but it would be such an awesome miracle if that had of happened on its own and all works out.

If I have to go to the biopsy on my own, I know I can handle it. I'm a pretty tough cookie. I'm just a bit nervous about having any kind of adverse reaction to the meds that put me to sleep. I'd love if I had a network of support here during times like that, but we're newer to the city and although I have numerous friends (and I'm sure they'd be happy to check in on me), I just really don't know them well enough to have them see me at my sickest time. Plus, many of them don't know about our situation just yet. You don't exactly meet people for the first time and share that.. well sometimes I do, I'm quite open... but the depth of it and my sadness about it? no.

So anyways, I'm in a bit of limbo at the moment trying to figure out the date for this biopsy but I'm hopeful to have a definitive answer or plan tomorrow morning. I also called today and made an appointment for our immune testing, and that's now scheduled for the 15th. Yay! We'll see what our killer attack and sperm antibodies situation is like. Give us a sense if we need intralipids for sure or not.

It's looking like the absolute earliest we might be able to start our next cycle would be end of January which would be so incredibly exciting. I'm just not sure how quickly they get results back for all this stuff. If we don't have all our answers by then it'll be mid/late Feb which is totally fine... just a month away'ish.

Just so excited to get going on this journey again. Anxious to start stimming!!!! Gimme dem needles! haha!

xx

Things you learn being an infertile...

So I came across a post today "10 Things I never knew before experiencing Infertility". You can see the original post here:

Anyways... It got me thinking about what I've learned since starting this journey. So here's my list:

1) My husband is my rock
He is experiencing the same pain as me, and no one knows my struggle better than him. Something can happen or be said, and without words, he'll look at me, and I know he understands. This support is crucial to my sanity.

2) Life is NOT a movie! Or a TV show! Or anyone else's life for that matter....
A lot of movies and TV shows have accidentally pregnancies with happily ever afters! And often the story lines are insanely unrealistic and idealistic. This is not only painful to watch, but a total piss-off in general when we see/hear enough of this in real life already.  Life is not a movie people! We are all on our own journeys, and we all have our own stories to tell. Everyone struggles, but maybe in different ways and at different times. You, me, we... we're not alone!

3) It is possible to be simultaneously happy and insanely jealous at the same time
No joke... I always thought it was one or the other. Truth be told... I can physically cry happy-sad tears. So weird.

4) My moods are so much more linked to my reproductive cycle than I'd like to admit.
Okay, so we all know we get cranky at "that time", but did you know that you also feel "sexy" at one time, and more "attractive" at said time, and somewhat more "hungry" at this time. There are a LOT of "times" in a cycle... and become pretty predictable when you chart for years.

5) Hope is cruel and yet a complete and utter necessity.
If I didn't have hope, I wouldn't break down like I do. But if I didn't have hope, I'd also have given up a long long time ago. Hope is what keeps me going, moving towards my goal. But it is also what crushes me time and time again.

6) When you stop and focus on yourself, you learn so much about who you are as a person
I always knew I wanted to be a mother... this was a goal of mine since I was 16. I knew I was meant to be a parent, and wanted to do it young. But there is so much more to me, and I let that slip away little by little. Re-focusing on myself allowed me to rediscover just how awesome I am. Take my word for it... I'm awesome. And so are you!

7) You have to love yourself before someone there is space for others to love you.
Okay so this is a big one... For starters this is linked to #6 above... that's step one. But the more you learn about yourself, the more you need to accept, honor and love yourself. I believe had I been successful right out of the gate, I would never have had such a fulfilling and happy life. Taking this time to know and love ME, has made me realize that I want that for my child always and forever. I never want them feeling like they NEED something or someone to MAKE them happy. This goes for love, a job, and one day, for them too, children. Do I believe having a child will bring so much joy and fulfillment to my life, ABSOLUTELY! But that alone is not enough. I need to share my joys and passions with them when they do make their way into this world, and I need to model self-love... so I need to develop that in myself first!!!

8) Being vulnerable does NOT mean being weak. 
For me, it means being honest and open to support. Without my support network, I would not survive. Opening up, and admitting when I'm feeling hurt or sad, has allowed a level of respect and empathy from those around me I never expected. 

9) Once you reach one goal, a new one feels out of reach. 
So this has only recently popped up for me. For some random reason, I have this deep rooted feeling that very soon I will be a mother. I have no founded reason for this. It's just an intuition and I could be embarrassingly wrong. BUT, my point is, that now that I believe I can get pregnant, I'm worrying about pregnancy and the child I will bear. What if something goes wrong? What if my child has a disability. There is ALWAYS something to worry about. so......

10) Life isn't lived, but if lived in the moment.
Further to the above, I've learned that above all else, looking and reaching forward stops me from living in the moment, being present, and having gratitude for all that I do have and cherish. Yes I want a child, and I will never stop working towards that goal. But I chose to live for today, and make the most of it while I'm here. 

bonus #11 - If I would want it for my child, I need to want it for myself. Practice what you preach!

xo

An Original Poem: Every Day

You say to me; enjoy this time,

but this time of mine, I don't need, I'm fine

You say to enjoy the freedom I have,

but freedom I lack, I do not laugh

You say be brave, be patient and trust,

but trust is lost, and question I must

You say you believe, and feel you know,

but promise, you can't, and faith is slow

You say you miss the life I lead,

but what when life I lose and bleed

You say you care, you understand,

but each time I fall I find no hand

So what you need to see, I say,

is I hurt, I hope, I blame, I pray

Every Day

-written by Femme InFertile