Infertile Contradictions

I'm in pain. I'm excited. I'm hurt and angry. But I'm also so grateful.

Odd... yes. Sometimes living with the pain of infertility lends itself to moments of contradiction. My brother got married last November and him and his wife are already 9 weeks expecting. I'm sure pregnant on their first try, though I wouldn't want to ask or know.

Now anyone who has battled with infertility can only imagine how hard an announcement like this is to bear. My husband and I have been married 6 years, and been trying to start a family for 5 of them. Every announcement is another dagger to the heart and another couple leaving us in their dust. And family isn't any easier. I wish it were. I wish he could share this news with me and that all I felt in that precious moment (that I can't get back) was excitement and happiness for them. But while I did feel those things, my heart also broke a bit. I hung up the phone and broke down, only strong enough in the fleeting moments on the call. Had we been Facetime'ing or had he told me in person, he would likely have seen the anguish in my eyes, the struggle in my smile. But I'm sure he heard it in my voice.

What followed was not resentment, but a selfless act of compassion and understanding. He wrote me this:

"We just wanted to follow up on our chat because even though you might have been expecting this news, we can only imagine it was a little hard to hear, given what you and Homme Infertile have endured with everything. That said, we wanted you to know we are incredibly empathic to your situation and understand having any mixed emotions about it. Although this is obviously really exciting, we are still sensitive to what you’re going through. Please just know that we love and care about you deeply, and want only the best for you. We will always be here for you, even if it’s just to listen.

Much love"

Never have I ever been showed that level of understanding... from anyone, at any point on this journey. And to come from him meant the world to me, making me feel so incredibly grateful to have him in my life. So grateful for him and his ability to show empathy. Grateful for his words and kindness. I don't think you can understand how much an act of selflessness and understanding like this can mean to someone dealing with infertility unless you have walked in their shoes. So often people are frustrated with us 'infertiles' not being able to show/express happiness, or attend a baby shower, or whatever it may be. They are too closed off to the pain to understand just how hard every moment of every day is, let alone moments and interactions such as those.

It sucks. There is no way around it. But life goes on, and people have to live their lives. I am so excited to be an aunt, and can't wait to see my brother be a father. I am genuinely looking forward to that day. But the 9 months leading up to the birth are hard. There is no child to love yet, only jealousy over what is to come. But once they arrive, a lot of that pain and jealousy falls away. Not all...

What is also interesting is the effect these announcements can have on an infertile. I have not been ready to pursue another round of IVF, but the feelings of jealousy (and perhaps my competitive spirit) sparked a renewed motivation to go again. I can't explain it, and I judge myself for it. But it's my truth. The conversations between Homme InFertile and myself following this particular announcement were not easy. We both felt pain and fear. Fear that we wouldn't be able to give his child a cousin. Pain that we'd have to watch them become parents and never experience it ourselves. Confusion over how to resolve our broken path.

So we talked. And we cried. And we argued. And we exhausted ourselves running in circles over where to go from here. A relationship can only take so much grief, and we have been so strong for so long that I think we are tired of clawing our way through it all. My response is to fight harder. His is to give up, and those are at odds with each other. And that brews resentment.

These are hard things to face, and I feel grateful I have a husband who is willing to communicate through these struggles. Grateful he is someone who I can speak my truths to and him not fire back angrily, but instead try to understand where I'm coming from. Try to support me, even when it's not in the way I need.

So with that we've talked about counselling. Mostly for Homme InFertile, but I will attend, work, and support when needed. This tele-seminar also serendipitously appeared in my email inbox today so we've registered. If anyone else is struggling with the relationship aspect of coping with and navigating through infertility, check check it out. It's free, and it's this coming Saturday July 16th!
http://www.frommaybetobaby.com/journeyproof/?mc_cid=3c39ad1e93&mc_eid=e7e27d73f9

Also, this showed up on my news feed (okay universe... I hear you!) and it resonated completely and absolutely. Sometimes I feel resentful that no one asks how I am... but yet I also don't have the words or strength to be truthful if they did. This summed it up.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/heena-mak/2016/07/dont-ask-me-if-im-okay-because-i-dont-know-the-answer-anymore/

And finally to help me with the words I did a little googling and stumbled upon this gem. My fav (and what resonated most with me today) was the following:

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God.“No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

The complete article here: http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/


And with that I'll sign off for today.
Love and light to you all on this journey!

Day 16

Still sick and sore... and totally over it. Why can't I just feel better already!?

I do seem to be on the mend cold/flu wise... at least seems that way this morning. My nose isn't quite as runny, and I don't feel as foggy. In terms of my post-procedure pain, not sure. Just took some tylenol so perhaps that's helping, but little by little it seems to be getting better. But I'm talking minuscule sloth-like progress. I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and magically feel like myself again, but morning after morning am disappointed.

My volleyball team has first round of playoffs tonight and of course I can't go. If we progress to Thursday semi-finals (and hopefully finals), I would love to be able to play, but I also really don't want to push/risk it before transfer day Friday. Lame, as I could really use a little activity, but that seems like a pipe dream at this point.

I had really forgotten how bad and long the recovery from egg-retrieval can be. Maybe it's because this time I had double the amount of eggs, but seriously, not fun, and I was whole-fully unprepared. So here you go...

Things to expect in recovery after IVF ER (egg-retrieval):

• pain - if you experience ovulation pain, its quite similar but worse obviousy.
• bloating - expect to look and feel pregnant already... it may be sensitive to the touch.
• gas - probably a root cause of the above, but embarrassing and uncomfortable.
• constipation - I'd really love to use the washroom. I read someone compare it to birthing a final egg that just didn't get retrieved and refuses to make its way into this world, and that's exactly how I feel. Also probably a cause of the three above.
• fluctuating appetite - moments of nausea, followed by a ravenous need to eat protein.
• anxiety - wondering if you're one of the ladies who is experiencing OHSS... you hypochondriac you...
• anticipation - seriously the embryo update calls get you all in a funk... tomorrow update #2 can't come soon enough.

I'm sure there are plenty more. If you have anything to add... feel free to comment and I'll update!

I do have to say though. Homme InFertile has been taking good care of me. I don't know what I would have done if I had of needed to go back to work, or if he was working. He's been taking such good care of me that I've basically been on bed rest. I could get used to that part ;)

Biopsy Results

They're in, and they're less than ideal....

ENDOMETRIOSIS

It was definitely something we've been concerned about, but the firm diagnosis makes me sad.

I don't have much to say at this point in time other than we're not doing a laparoscopy at this time. Diet seems to minimize symptoms and no firm proof that surgery improves fertility rates. In fact, the risks seem too high for the potential reward.

Hubby has sperm analysis and culture today, so we'll see those results and have a better picture after his urology follow up.

Head is spinning. Need time to process.
On top of it, work is insane (I'm doing casting for fashion week) so I have a lot distracting me at the moment. Too much going on all at once.

In positive news, I splurged on a new purse to lift my spirits. I give you, the consolation prize:

I'm sure I'll be back soon with more to talk about... but for now... just keep swimming... just keep swimming... 

Bad things come in 3s...

Wow... well the last 48 hours have been a little emotional to say the least. 3... I repeat, 3 friends had their babies. 3! In 48 hours. Well, that's not accurate. 3 friends ANNOUNCED their babies' arrivals in the last 48 hrs. Same difference to me though.

That's hard. I knew it was coming. I knew late January to early February was going to be full of new babies... and it sure was. Some of the others weren't as painful, since they weren't as close of friends, but these ones hurt. Maybe because 2 of them are those people's 2nd child, and they tried conceiving their first around the same time we started trying or after even. So it stings. To think we could have a 4 year old running around, and a second newborn....ugh. Could is misleading, because I can't, clearly.

This isn't meant to be a woah is me post, but I sure do feel a little bit that way today. It's hard. I'm emotional.

Not helping is the fact that I still don't have results from the lab for my biopsy. I try and convince myself that no results are good... that if something really bad came up, they'd have contacted me much faster. But the truth is you never know. Maybe they're double checking their findings before telling me I have cancer. Maybe something came up abnormal and they had to run additional tests. Who the hell knows!? (if you do, feel free to speak up haha).

My husband and I always say, we are grateful for the life we have led up until this point. As much as my heart aches for a child, I'm happy at the direction we're being taken in, and had we gotten pregnant right away, that wouldn't have been the case. I know that. I believe that in my heart. So it gives me strength. And maybe in 2 more years, I'll look back on this time and feel the same way. But right now? While I'm in it? I certainly don't. I just want to know that all will turn out well. I want to be reassured that I too will have my happily ever after. But if I knew, where would the lessons be learned?

I have to trust. It's just hard today.

"I feel drunk"

So today was the day I've been waiting for... dreading perhaps, but also excited to get done. My biopsy day along with SHG and trial transfer.

I couldn't eat past midnight so last night made a late dinner, nice and healthy, and ensured I drank lots of water before bed. I was feeling prepared and organized and proud of myself... that is, until my husband FaceTimed me. I could feel his guilt, and I tried to hold it together to not make him feel any worse, but my anxiety got the best of me and started tearing up, unable to speak. I had to hang up... it was just making me think about it all too much and I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up the next morning and get the show on the road.

So that's what I did. I didn't have the best sleep, which isn't surprising given my stress about it all. I woke up before my alarm, worried it wouldn't go off. Neurotic much!? I had a nice long cuddle with my pup. It's like a real life teddy bear!!!

Then I got myself organized and my mom and I headed down to my appointment. I didn't realize it was a holiday (being Canadian and all) and so we ended up being there really early since there was no traffic. When we got there I checked in and sat in the waiting room. Was nice to have someone there with me.

Then a nurse came out, called my name and brought me back. She was really sweet, gave me overly detailed instructions, and then left me to change. I was lookin' and feelin' pretty sexy ;)

She came back and had me fill out a bunch of paperwork - really I couldn't have done this when I had underwear on? Once that was done she put in my IV (ouch. not fun) and I was thankful she was gentle with me. I think she felt bad that my hubby wasn't there with me and that I was so visibly anxious (I couldn't stop tearing).

Once I had my IV in I had a bit of waiting time. DH texted me, only making me more emotional, and then to top it all off the first song we ever danced to came over the music sound system. Floodgates opened. I rely on him so heavily, but he really is truly my best friend and anchor and I would have loved to have had his hand to hold up until the procedure. Oh well.

My anesthesiologist came to give me the rundown on what to expect, asked me if I was allergic to any drugs (this was the 4th time I was asked today... clearly they've had a problem with this in the past haha) and then got my stats - height/weight etc. to calculate dosage I think. Then he took me into the room.

Best part? I stood up forgetting my butt would be hanging out and he had to kindly close my back for me. I clearly was so consumed in my fear I didn't even feel the al fresco situation going on in the back. Oh man.

Then we got settled and doc came in and went over our procedures, had me repeat back to him what I was having. We were talking and the last thing I remember is me telling him he was going blurry.

Then I woke up... feeling... very confused "How did they get me here?" I asked my mom, now sitting in the room. She didn't know but just laughed at me with my eyes halfway open slurring my words. "I feel drunk" I said to her. So she took some pictures of me to send my DH to let him know I was alright.

Looking goooooood haha

"I feel drunk... but I'm good!"

I had zero pain. zero nausea. And soooooo much relief. Once my nurse gave me a juice to help me refresh, and sat me up, my doc came in to debrief.

mmmm juice. Nurse offered me a second because I downed it so fast.

1) SHG - no concerns. no polyps. totally normal looking. this is good news! :) yay
2) biopsy - went well. test results in about 10 days or so
3) trial transfer - issues as expected... he had to pull with itty bitty forceps on my cervix to straighten out the path or something to that effect, and then he was able to get in. He could see why my past transfers were noted as difficult, and has a plan of action going into our future transfer now, so good thing we did it!

So that's it for now. The waiting for this "horrible" but in the end, easy peasy simple procedure is over. Now the waiting for results... That I can do. All my anxiety is gone and I feel so much better. Especially after my nap with my fur baby again. Dogs are the best!

nap time

Bloodwork cancelled!

Hey all... so my clinic called me as I was on the way to my appointment to have blood work done for immune and NK testing. They didn't realize their lab doesn't do that specific testing on Fridays....

REALLY?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WTF?

These were the emotions and thoughts that rushed through my mind. I've been waiting a while to do this test, and we picked a day and time that was most ideal for my hubby (all appointments are between 9 and 11 am and he works). Had we KNOWN in advance that blood testing for NK and immune wasn't doable on Fridays we obviously would have scheduled another day earlier this week because....
.... he's away for a full week starting tomorrow. This pushes EVERYTHING back. So frustrating. I took a few deep breaths, whoosawwwwd a little (if you don't know what I'm referencing, it's from the movie Bad Boys haha) and then once I calmed myself sent this email to my doc:

Good morning Dr. _____,
My husband and I were supposed to come in today to get blood drawn for immune testing but were called last minute to be advised that it cannot be done on Fridays.
We were somewhat disappointed we were told 30 minutes before our appointment especially since my husband is away all next week. Had we known in advance, we could have done this another day earlier this week. Disappointing as this is, mistakes happen and we just want to put together a plan to move forward and I'm trying to decide whether at this point we should bother.. so a few questions would help us if you don't mind...
I noticed in some of my research that sometimes NK activity can be recognized in the uterine biopsy. Is this true?
Is there a difference between localized NK activity in the uterus versus the bloodstream?
What information would we be gaining from this testing that would alter our protocol other than possibly a steroid like prednisone or intralipids? ie. what information from Eric's or my test results would contribute to a change in approach?
In your professional opinion do you feel as though this immune testing is of high importance to our treatment? or will it depend on what results come of our biopsy/shg?
On a separate note:
What is the cost for PGS? We are considering the possibility of doing it if we have a high embryo yield.
Is PGS something we need to decide on prior to beginning our cycle, or is it something that can be flexibly added/removed as we progress?
Thank you, as usual, for your time and expertise! :)

Now hopefully I came across as a calm, sane person (inside I didn't feel that way haha). I'm a little hot headed sometimes and out of principle hate when people are stupid. I felt like this was one such instance, but not sure who the stupid individual was... haha whooosawwwwww ... let it go. poof. gone.

I did NOT mention the funny thing. What's the funny thing you ask? Well the funny thing is that all morning I had been questioning whether this was a road I really wanted to go down. Do I believe in Intralipids? Do I think its the answer to our infertility woes? The fertility industry is very torn on the topic, more heavily weighted against it with articles explaining elevated NK could be related to stresses from the blood sample drawing, to the fact that elevated NK are existent in perfectly fertile couples, to little to no evidence or correlation to therapies used and positive outcomes. I mean its all over the place. Do I want to be successful? Yes. Do I want to sit and get multiple IVs and pay out of pocket for it if I don't need it? No. Do I want to pay $500 out of pocket just to have the test when I don't know if I even want the therapy or believe in the validity of it? BLehhahghhh... I dunno!?!!? NO?

Why is there so much for an infertile to decide about!?

So moving forward, Monday I still have my biopsy/SHG/trial transfer, and part of me believes that's what I need. Honestly... part of me thinks my uterus just needs a good scratch, clean out, and ripe new start. I dunno. I feel so confused right now.


*****
update:

Doc got back to me. I think we'll forego testing and if the therapies are covered just go ahead and do them. We're only doing 2 more transfers tops at this point, so might as well go all in and give ourselves the best chance possible.
I also read this blog post of another gal, and it encouraged me to just give it a go. Never know.

3rd Times a Charm

So first check up I was realistic, I knew I'd need to go a second time. But then being told to go a third within a week (just tracking ovulation) kind of sucked. My body never cooperates.
So Friday (yesterday) I went back. Same old routine ensued... Vaginal Ultrasound (brrr that freezing cold blue jelly is sure to wake you up!), then bloodwork (always the same vein), and then me sitting sipping green tea latte because I get faint.

DAY 3

THE FAVOURITE VEIN WINS AGAIN

ROUTINE GREEN TEA LATTE

Because I experienced a temperature dip that morning I was hopeful I was ovulating on my own. The eggie was nice and big and all the other follicles had diminished, so it was looking like I wouldn't have to have the ovidrel shot to induce ovulation.

I got a call later in the day telling me my blood showed no surge and I would have to take the shot. BOO! My body continues to be on its own timeline haha, which I'm fine with... I'm a little slow moving myself, but not ideal for the eggie health I guess. I dunno.

So I went to the pharmacy and dished out a hundred bucks for a shot to tell my body to release the egg. This is when I really started to get cranky. I've spent a good 2 hours total this week at the doc office to track ovulation, which never happened, and am now dishing out money to make it happen, all the while being "rewarded" with injecting myself with a needle of hormones. Oh needles... how I haven't missed you... Yay. :|

THE SHOT

FAT TISSUE SQUISH

THE ITTY BITTY TEENY TINY WOUND

NOT SO BAD

The shot itself was totally fine. Not nearly as bad as the HCG shot to trigger release that I had for my first IVF. I remember it was so big I had to ice before and after. Maybe this one was smaller because I only had 1 egg to release... not sure. Fingers crossed its just gotten better in my absense and this is what I can expect during my upcoming fresh cycle cuz that was easy peasy lemon squeezie!

THEN... duh duh duhhhhh... the hormones started kicking in. As I said, I was kind of cranky to begin with, but then it was a whole new level. I think I'm super sensitive to drugs, but I started feeling uber angry at my husband (no good reason whatsoever) and emotional. So I went to bed, deciding that was just in everyones best interest haha. But then I couldn't sleep. I was hot, I felt like my skin was crawling, and some crazy ass dreams to top off a horrible nights sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling better. I definitely think I'm ovulating as the ovulation pain has increased slightly, so drugs must be doing their job.

Biopsy is now scheduled for Monday January 18th and my DH (darling husband) is going to be out of town. My mom is trying to get a standby buddy pass off my stepsister to come out and take care of me as I'll be under anethesia for the biopsy, SHG and trial transfers. When I come out of it, they want you to have a chaperone, and although I now have a few friends I could probably count on, its happening mid-morning and they all work. Anyways, hopefully my mom can score a pass, otherwise i'll just suck it up and take care of myself. Us infertiles are tough beasts! :)

Things you learn being an infertile...

So I came across a post today "10 Things I never knew before experiencing Infertility". You can see the original post here:

Anyways... It got me thinking about what I've learned since starting this journey. So here's my list:

1) My husband is my rock
He is experiencing the same pain as me, and no one knows my struggle better than him. Something can happen or be said, and without words, he'll look at me, and I know he understands. This support is crucial to my sanity.

2) Life is NOT a movie! Or a TV show! Or anyone else's life for that matter....
A lot of movies and TV shows have accidentally pregnancies with happily ever afters! And often the story lines are insanely unrealistic and idealistic. This is not only painful to watch, but a total piss-off in general when we see/hear enough of this in real life already.  Life is not a movie people! We are all on our own journeys, and we all have our own stories to tell. Everyone struggles, but maybe in different ways and at different times. You, me, we... we're not alone!

3) It is possible to be simultaneously happy and insanely jealous at the same time
No joke... I always thought it was one or the other. Truth be told... I can physically cry happy-sad tears. So weird.

4) My moods are so much more linked to my reproductive cycle than I'd like to admit.
Okay, so we all know we get cranky at "that time", but did you know that you also feel "sexy" at one time, and more "attractive" at said time, and somewhat more "hungry" at this time. There are a LOT of "times" in a cycle... and become pretty predictable when you chart for years.

5) Hope is cruel and yet a complete and utter necessity.
If I didn't have hope, I wouldn't break down like I do. But if I didn't have hope, I'd also have given up a long long time ago. Hope is what keeps me going, moving towards my goal. But it is also what crushes me time and time again.

6) When you stop and focus on yourself, you learn so much about who you are as a person
I always knew I wanted to be a mother... this was a goal of mine since I was 16. I knew I was meant to be a parent, and wanted to do it young. But there is so much more to me, and I let that slip away little by little. Re-focusing on myself allowed me to rediscover just how awesome I am. Take my word for it... I'm awesome. And so are you!

7) You have to love yourself before someone there is space for others to love you.
Okay so this is a big one... For starters this is linked to #6 above... that's step one. But the more you learn about yourself, the more you need to accept, honor and love yourself. I believe had I been successful right out of the gate, I would never have had such a fulfilling and happy life. Taking this time to know and love ME, has made me realize that I want that for my child always and forever. I never want them feeling like they NEED something or someone to MAKE them happy. This goes for love, a job, and one day, for them too, children. Do I believe having a child will bring so much joy and fulfillment to my life, ABSOLUTELY! But that alone is not enough. I need to share my joys and passions with them when they do make their way into this world, and I need to model self-love... so I need to develop that in myself first!!!

8) Being vulnerable does NOT mean being weak. 
For me, it means being honest and open to support. Without my support network, I would not survive. Opening up, and admitting when I'm feeling hurt or sad, has allowed a level of respect and empathy from those around me I never expected. 

9) Once you reach one goal, a new one feels out of reach. 
So this has only recently popped up for me. For some random reason, I have this deep rooted feeling that very soon I will be a mother. I have no founded reason for this. It's just an intuition and I could be embarrassingly wrong. BUT, my point is, that now that I believe I can get pregnant, I'm worrying about pregnancy and the child I will bear. What if something goes wrong? What if my child has a disability. There is ALWAYS something to worry about. so......

10) Life isn't lived, but if lived in the moment.
Further to the above, I've learned that above all else, looking and reaching forward stops me from living in the moment, being present, and having gratitude for all that I do have and cherish. Yes I want a child, and I will never stop working towards that goal. But I chose to live for today, and make the most of it while I'm here. 

bonus #11 - If I would want it for my child, I need to want it for myself. Practice what you preach!

xo

An Original Poem: Every Day

You say to me; enjoy this time,

but this time of mine, I don't need, I'm fine

You say to enjoy the freedom I have,

but freedom I lack, I do not laugh

You say be brave, be patient and trust,

but trust is lost, and question I must

You say you believe, and feel you know,

but promise, you can't, and faith is slow

You say you miss the life I lead,

but what when life I lose and bleed

You say you care, you understand,

but each time I fall I find no hand

So what you need to see, I say,

is I hurt, I hope, I blame, I pray

Every Day

-written by Femme InFertile