Friday, 11 December 2015

Due Date Season

Do you ever have those spells where it feels like everyone is pregnant but you?

Well when my hubby and I got back into a routine of actively TTC, it seemed like everyone else got the urge, but yet they were all successful. Well guess what!? Now its due date season. I have literally about 6 people I know due within the next 2 months. Salt on the wound thinking I could have been too... regardless of knowing I'm "infertile."

What sucks even more is that I'm on hold until after the new year fertility treatment wise. The clinic I'm going to is undergoing renovations, which is quite nice actually... new offices to get check ups etc. in... but that means for the next month I'm at a stand still. Never feels good to be frozen in place. Movement forward in the direction of our dreams is what keeps us infertiles sane. Speaking for myself at least...

The holidays are extra hard. All that's on my christmas wish list is a positive pregnancy test. Although I may not feel like that's so much to ask, I know it is. I often really wonder what my destiny is. How does everything turn out. So I ask... Who? Well I have a little secret ... I read tarot cards and am an empath and intuitive. I have guessed genders with pretty astonishing accuracy. I told a friend worrying about getting pregnant that she would get pregnant at 4 months... and then she did, another that she would struggle but eventually conceive (wrote this one down... never a good idea to tell someone its going to be hard), numerous times known others were pregnant before their announcements, and even gone so far as to know the instant a friend went into labour! I'm not trying to convince you of my gifts, but to give a little merit into why I believe in myself at least. And for whatever reason, I've been blessed with extra-sensory surrounding pregnancy and births. Really? Not like... lottery numbers or career or love advice... babies!!?!?!!?!? Of course! Because that is where my intention in life is currently. That's where my mind and focus goes. So naturally, that's the strongest.

So I've been asking my tarots for a long LONG time about my family situation. I never get the answer I want. For a long time I bargained, claiming that it would be unfair to see my own future, and  I know in general its difficult to read ones self as we're so subjective and biased, so perhaps its wrong, I'd think. Doing so at least kept me from losing hope, and continuing to try.

Well finally the tides shifted, and I seem to be closer (according the cards that be). Doesn't claim anything immediate, but makes me feel like it may be sooner than later. It was pretty exciting, as I do my best to not see what I want or hope for in the cards, but instead, what's actually present. But that won't make the holidays any easier. The christmas cards of all my friends' families (who started trying well after we began trying and now have 2+ children...) are flooding in. I put them on my fridge because I love my friends and I love their children... I don't want to miss out on these memories and precious years. But it does hurt. Crazy how a person has such a capacity to hurt so badly and yet love so fully all at once.

This year its just hubby and me. We're staying in New York and I hope to make the absolute most of it. Because I know my real true wishes are nothing short of miracle worthy, I'm throwing in a back-up wish of a White Christmas. I'd love nothing more than to go Ice Skating and drink hot cocoa on Christmas Day surrounded by a white winter wonderland with the man I love. I figure that's a doable wish to fulfill to those wish deliverers up above...

What are you wishing for this year? How do you handle the holiday season? Whatever it is... I hope your dreams come true and you start 2016 with a happy and full heart. Blessings to you all!

Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and/or Happy New Year to you all!

No comments:

Post a Comment