Thursday, 17 December 2015

Future Unknown

Oh gosh... where do I start. So my husband works in finance, and is always on the edge of his seat feeling like he'll get fired. The horrible thing, is that it is very common in that industry to have a bad week and get put out on the street. So he's often stressed and very nervous about that. It doesn't help that we packed up our lives in Canada and moved to New York (a VERY expensive city to live in) where I can't legally work. So really, our livelihood rests on his shoulders unfortunately.

Well the last week or so has been bad. For anyone who follows the markets, you know its been a volatile year. His pod has lost of a LOT of money. He, individually, has done well and made some good calls, but it's a team environment and unfortunately, if the ship goes down, there's no lifeboat.

Today he texted me very upset. He generally bottles a lot of that stress up, as he knows I don't handle not being able to contribute very well. I hate him feeling so responsible, but also, of course, don't want him to not feel able to talk to me about it. It's tough... Anyway, the point is, that today he really let it all out, and feels like its very likely he'll lose his job.

Now I don't know what that means for us personally, whether we get deported immediately, or if we have time for him to get a new job... but fertility-wise, without insurance... we're out of the game temporarily. I don't mean to turn this into something selfish, but after five years of working towards a family and wanting it so bad, I naturally think of that first. It's my priority and my focus right now; getting healthy mentally and physically in order to do our next round in January.

But now its all up in the air. I feel lost. Scared. Confused. I was so hopeful to be moving forward on this journey only to be told that maybe we have to put a pin in it all... again! I'm 30 now, and though still young, wanted so badly to be a "young" mother. I wanted to be DONE having children by 30, not be starting... or TRYING to start...

I feel like time is getting away from me, and as silly as that may be with a full life ahead of me, am feeling the pressure to move along. And yet now? Feel stuck in the mud, unable to move. Life has thrown us some curveballs, and I know we're strong enough to overcome whatever happens... I guess I just don't want to have to.

Ohhhhh wellllll....

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