Thursday, 31 December 2015

Good riddance 2015!

2015 was a year of change for me and my husband. New city, new jobs, new friends, new hair color, new tattoo (first tattoo I should say), and a new outlook on life. We're never short on challenges being "infertiles", but yet always full on love and support. I couldn't have chosen a better partner to navigate this amazing, albeit rocky at times, adventure called life. I'm so thankful for all that I have, and yet at the same time, hopeful for all the things I'm wishing into fruition right now. And of course, the biggest of all, is a starting a family.

I met this lady at the dog park. We kept running into one another and eventually (after knowing each other well enough) we started talking about more personal things. She is an "older" mom (not really, but she did consider herself older than the norm) due to her struggles with infertility. One thing she said to me really hit home:

"everything started shifting when I stopped hating and blaming my body for not doing its job. Once I started thinking (more importantly, actually believing) it WAS capable, I was able to think positively about the experience" 

The thing is... when you deal with infertility, its so hard to not become protective of your emotions for your survival and well being. Unfortunately, in doing so, we often prepare ourselves for a negative outcome, only aiding to the likelihood of a self-fulfilling prophecy, really. I mean, no one in their right minds LIKES needles, or taking crazy amounts of drugs, and going for check-ups every other day... but it is what we infertiles (or individuals who are struggling) need to do in order to make our dreams a reality. But when we hold such resentment towards these experiences, or feel like no matter what we do our bodies will fail us, then we set up the energetic reality to follow. 

This is all a very metaphysical take on things, so I'm sorry if I've lost you or sound hokey pokey. I feel very strongly that energy plays a large part in life. Everything on this earth is in fact made up of energy (kinetic or otherwise) and that's a scientific fact. Yet, we forget that we ourselves are energy, and that we connect to others and experiences energetically as well. That negative feeling we can get reflecting on our situation, permeates our being. 

It's funny, because I was really hopeful the first time around doing IVF. But at the same time, I didn't want to fully believe it could work for fear of a bigger let-down. Then we had a difficult transfer and I convinced myself it didn't work... even going so far as to stop my progesterone before beta. I was CONVINCED. Then the second time around I just started the whole thing out with negative thinking because the first time didn't work. My negative thinking was a habit, I had been doing it so long. But thinking something, believing it, is actually a choice. You can choose to believe what you want, but unfortunately, sometimes it can make turn it and make it fact. There is a difference between FACT and BELIEF. 

I'm not asking you to believe anything this guy is claiming (ie. where the message comes from etc), but I thought his analogy of the yin/yang for beliefs was really poignant. 

Basically think of a belief like a yin/yang. The white is a positive, the black is a negative belief. The opposite coloured dots are like doors to the other side of belief (positive to negative, negative to positive). When you are in a positive belief you see the door. The light is on in the room, and you know you can have access to the negative belief, but choose to stay positive. You leave that door closed... but you know its there and made the choice to stay in the positive side. Now when you are on the negative belief side, in the dark... you cannot see the door. You are blind to it. Its there! You just don't know that it is, or where to find it. 

We get so caught up believing we're infertile... assuming that as part of our identities - heck! I've labeled myself femme infertile! But there is harm in believing that of ourselves. Especially for those of you like me who are unexplained, we are in fact CAPABLE of getting pregnant. We just have no evidence yet to support it. And because we've tried and tried and tried, this belief has become cemented in what we believe to be reality and thus fact. But it is not FACT... it is a BELIEF. 

So what's my point? I'm preaching again.. 
My point is that as many of us enter new cycles of IVF, we need to be preparing ourselves financially, physically, emotionally and mentally. And most of us do that. We go on the necessary diets, cut out alcohol, reduce stress levels, meditate maybe. But what many of us don't do (myself included in past cycles) is take time to work on our beliefs and thinking. This doesn't mean simply saying I believe I'm going to get pregnant, and then it happening. You have to actually believe it, not say it. 

But how do we do this? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm doing meditations. Saying positive affirmations. Connecting as I'm able to my baby's energy (and in turn raising my own vibration). Letting go of any latent resentment, anger, jealousy, fear, despair etc. Like REALLY letting it go. Fully! And finally actually visualizing myself pregnant. What I look like, how it feels, what changes my body will go through. All of it! 

All aspects of my thinking need to be directed to BELIEVING that I can get pregnant, even if its not tomorrow (there should be no timeline attached to this). Our current reality, is not our necessary and inevitable reality. 

Okay. If I haven't lost you already and you don't think I'm totally cuckoo crazy by now, good on you! Open minds right!? New year, new mindset, new cycle. I can't wait to get started. 

ps. check out Alaya and Oshira of Vibrational Child. She is AMAZING and her mediations etc. are fantastic! Also good, is Circle & Bloom for while you're cycling.

free fertility relaxation to try out from circle and bloom too if interested but not wanting to commit to the investment!

On that note... on to a meditation myself! Hope you all end your 2015 with open hearts and minds, ready to embrace all that 2016 has to offer us! Much love!

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