Cray Cray Continues

So Homme InFertile and I spoke about the docu-series more in length and ended up pulling our names out. We committed to it before he lost his job, and it's just becoming too stressful with all we have going on already - him finding a job, likely moving to an entirely new city, and of course, IVF...

So that is no longer in the works.

On a separate note... my crazy hasn't gone away... in fact it was made worse by a jump in temp after my dip last night. Could it be!?!?!

Ugh. I know I'm just getting my hopes way up to likely just get crushed one last month, but wouldn't it be nice!?!? Until I'm proven otherwise, I'm just going to blissfully and ignorantly believe it's possible. You just never know!

Okie dokie. Short update. That is all.

The Sad Truth About Infertility

NOTE: This was written about a week ago. I took some time to process it before posting to avoid any knee jerk reaction type scenarios. Funny how things work. This particular friend actually face-timed me AS I was writing this. If you believe in energetic connections like I do, this was definitely one of those moments. I believe she just knew I was feeling upset, and related to her... subconsciously of course. Anyways, enough of that mumbo jumbo. Feel free to read my emotional rant below. Take it with a grain of salt knowing I was just having a really crummy day all around.

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I'm not entirely sure what compelled me to write this today. I could pinpoint a moment scrolling through Facebook perhaps, but it's more likely a culmination of things, a build up to this moment in time. So with that, I want to share some thoughts on the sad truth about infertility.

First though, I want to acknowledge it's not all bad. There are good days too. Infertility can be something that makes us stronger, that tests us to our very limits, and breaks us down to little pieces, forcing us to build ourselves back up. We become warriors, and fearless. We learn perspective and grace. But we also carry a lot that is less than pretty... ugly at times, in fact. 

The sad truth is, infertility makes us jealous. It makes us resentful. It can even turn us into anti-social and closed-off individuals if we let it. Facebook for instance, a place of social interaction, sharing of pictures and our life adventures, becomes a place to fear for us infertiles. It becomes a place to avoid. Why? Because it bears so many reminders of the life we so desperately desire, and our inability to achieve it. It depresses at a time when we so desperately need to be lifted up. The irony is we log on to escape boredom or to be lifted, but it can have the opposite effect. Sure we can be happy for our friends and their beautiful children, but those images that they share so freely feel like a dagger to our hearts with each and every post. We love seeing the smiles on your face, and love in your eyes, but it simultaneously makes us sad. We don't have beautiful maternity photos of ourselves. We have no beautiful memories with our children to share. We lack, or feel our lives lack. 

As our friends and family move forward with their lives, we feel like we are being excluded from a very precious and prestigious (although I'll acknowledge, seemingly tiring and challenging) club. We aren't ignorant. We know motherhood is no walk in the park. Those warrior mothers deserve to share their triumph. I don't suggest we take away from their glory. But, unfortunately, their glory can make us feel like even more of a failure. See, infertility is something you can't really understand until you experience it. You might think you know the pain, or can imagine it, but it overwhelms. Life is filled with constant reminders of our ineptitude. I can't conceive, therefore I am not worthy. I am not worthy of bearing a child. I am not worthy of a family. I am not worthy of your precious mommy's club. 

You can't commiserate with me on your lack of sleep, because you know I will likely feel little sympathy, either feigning it unconvincingly, or instead telling you to be grateful for the precious gift of experiencing motherhood. You tell me I say this now, that I don't know or understand what's in store, and that is exactly the point. I don't know. I don't KNOW if I'll ever know. But at the same time, I know so much. 

I know the pain of years and years of sleepless nights wondering if this treatment finally worked. 

I know the exhaustion of self-administering needle after needle with nothing to show for it.

I know the emotional turmoil of feeling like I've let my husband down.

I know the sadness of a heart that aches for something I don't know that I'll ever experience.

I know the heartbreak of wanting so fully, and working so hard for it, to come up empty handed, month after month... year after year. 

I know I don't KNOW. And that hurts. 

We are no longer part of the same world, you and me. We are no longer sharing in the same human experience. Mine differs drastically from yours, and yours from mine. And that's okay. But you see, I am forced to accept and be comfortable with your over-sharing of baby pictures, while a small mention of my infertility is off-putting. It's taboo. It makes you and everyone else uncomfortable. You don't know what to say. You think I am trying to make you feel bad for me, or guilty for being happy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I want you to be happy, and am glad you are. I want to be happy too. Some days I am! Some days I'm filled with so much joy that I forget about my struggles temporarily. Some days are harder. Society doesn't know how to handle us. We're the outliers, or are led to believe we are. But we infertiles are millions. It's just that society doesn't like talking about it. 

The sad truth is that today I feel ugly inside. I feel jealous and resentful. I feel like I've been dealt a crap hand deal after deal with no option to trade in, while those around me are handed royal flushes. I am sad for myself. And I judge myself for that. As if being infertile and dealing with all of this isn't enough, I feel bad, for feeling bad. 

I feel like I should be grateful for my health. 

I feel like I should be grateful for a roof over my head, and a healthy meal to eat. 

I feel like I should be grateful to have found the love of my life, and even be working towards a family.

I feel like I should forget about the pain and suffering I am experiencing because it could be worse.

Well of course it could be. Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone experiences pain and heartbreak. If you look for someone who has it worse, you're undoubtedly going to find them. The world is full of pain and misery. Maybe you are scrolling Facebook and sick of seeing pictures of me and my husband adorably traveling the world side by side with smiles on our faces, and that causes you pain because your relationship isn't strong, or maybe you are doing this solo. I get it. I'm blessed with a beautiful relationship I believe is 1 in a million. I AM grateful. I DO feel blessed. But that doesn't mean the pain I feel surrounding my inability to start a family is any less valid. 

I have friends afraid to come crying or complaining to me about trying for 3 months. DO it. COMPLAIN! It's okay, I'm not going to bite your head off so long as you do it with empathy in your heart. I've been there. I remember the psycho mess I was back then. I'll help guide you. Don't face this pain alone because you think mine is worse. Accept mine, and I'll accept yours. We're in this together! When you do get pregnant, don't just post it on Facebook and avoid me, that only wedges our worlds further apart. Instead build a bridge of understanding between us. Text me your news very lightly and allow me time to absorb it on my own. Don't Facetime me and put me on the spot, in a position to put a smile on my face to make you feel good. I don't ever want to take away from your glory, but understand it will be hard for me, just as I did for you. Continue to reach out to me, ask me how I am, how I'm doing. Don't stop asking because I don't bring it up. Since you've had a kid, I feel like maybe you don't care anymore... and I feel very alone. 

I know my mommy friends feel this way. They feel afraid to share their lives with me. Just above I told you I wasn't going to feel bad for you when you complain about the pains of motherhood. Don't misunderstand... I will serve as a reminder to why you did it. I will serve as a reminder to be grateful. And if you don't like that, maybe complain to your other mommy friends, and instead let me enjoy your company without the conversation always being about you and baby. It may be hard for me, but the truth it I never want to stop being part of your life. You feeling awkward about it makes me feel like the kid that got invited to the party that no one is friends with... they're just there because people felt bad discluding them. Don't include me just for the sake of it. Include me because you want me to be part of your life, and because you want to continue to be part of mine... even if it no longer matches yours, or isn't always rosy rainbows and sunshine. Because I love you, and cherish our friendship, even if our lives have veered in different directions. Hopefully it's only temporarily. But be patient with me as I am unbearably impatient with myself and my own circumstances.

Right now I need a friend. I need the comfort of feeling my battalion at my side. But yet I feel very, very alone. 

Bloodwork cancelled!

Hey all... so my clinic called me as I was on the way to my appointment to have blood work done for immune and NK testing. They didn't realize their lab doesn't do that specific testing on Fridays....

REALLY?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WTF?

These were the emotions and thoughts that rushed through my mind. I've been waiting a while to do this test, and we picked a day and time that was most ideal for my hubby (all appointments are between 9 and 11 am and he works). Had we KNOWN in advance that blood testing for NK and immune wasn't doable on Fridays we obviously would have scheduled another day earlier this week because....
.... he's away for a full week starting tomorrow. This pushes EVERYTHING back. So frustrating. I took a few deep breaths, whoosawwwwd a little (if you don't know what I'm referencing, it's from the movie Bad Boys haha) and then once I calmed myself sent this email to my doc:

Good morning Dr. _____,
My husband and I were supposed to come in today to get blood drawn for immune testing but were called last minute to be advised that it cannot be done on Fridays.
We were somewhat disappointed we were told 30 minutes before our appointment especially since my husband is away all next week. Had we known in advance, we could have done this another day earlier this week. Disappointing as this is, mistakes happen and we just want to put together a plan to move forward and I'm trying to decide whether at this point we should bother.. so a few questions would help us if you don't mind...
I noticed in some of my research that sometimes NK activity can be recognized in the uterine biopsy. Is this true?
Is there a difference between localized NK activity in the uterus versus the bloodstream?
What information would we be gaining from this testing that would alter our protocol other than possibly a steroid like prednisone or intralipids? ie. what information from Eric's or my test results would contribute to a change in approach?
In your professional opinion do you feel as though this immune testing is of high importance to our treatment? or will it depend on what results come of our biopsy/shg?
On a separate note:
What is the cost for PGS? We are considering the possibility of doing it if we have a high embryo yield.
Is PGS something we need to decide on prior to beginning our cycle, or is it something that can be flexibly added/removed as we progress?
Thank you, as usual, for your time and expertise! :)

Now hopefully I came across as a calm, sane person (inside I didn't feel that way haha). I'm a little hot headed sometimes and out of principle hate when people are stupid. I felt like this was one such instance, but not sure who the stupid individual was... haha whooosawwwwww ... let it go. poof. gone.

I did NOT mention the funny thing. What's the funny thing you ask? Well the funny thing is that all morning I had been questioning whether this was a road I really wanted to go down. Do I believe in Intralipids? Do I think its the answer to our infertility woes? The fertility industry is very torn on the topic, more heavily weighted against it with articles explaining elevated NK could be related to stresses from the blood sample drawing, to the fact that elevated NK are existent in perfectly fertile couples, to little to no evidence or correlation to therapies used and positive outcomes. I mean its all over the place. Do I want to be successful? Yes. Do I want to sit and get multiple IVs and pay out of pocket for it if I don't need it? No. Do I want to pay $500 out of pocket just to have the test when I don't know if I even want the therapy or believe in the validity of it? BLehhahghhh... I dunno!?!!? NO?

Why is there so much for an infertile to decide about!?

So moving forward, Monday I still have my biopsy/SHG/trial transfer, and part of me believes that's what I need. Honestly... part of me thinks my uterus just needs a good scratch, clean out, and ripe new start. I dunno. I feel so confused right now.


*****
update:

Doc got back to me. I think we'll forego testing and if the therapies are covered just go ahead and do them. We're only doing 2 more transfers tops at this point, so might as well go all in and give ourselves the best chance possible.
I also read this blog post of another gal, and it encouraged me to just give it a go. Never know.

Things you learn being an infertile...

So I came across a post today "10 Things I never knew before experiencing Infertility". You can see the original post here:

Anyways... It got me thinking about what I've learned since starting this journey. So here's my list:

1) My husband is my rock
He is experiencing the same pain as me, and no one knows my struggle better than him. Something can happen or be said, and without words, he'll look at me, and I know he understands. This support is crucial to my sanity.

2) Life is NOT a movie! Or a TV show! Or anyone else's life for that matter....
A lot of movies and TV shows have accidentally pregnancies with happily ever afters! And often the story lines are insanely unrealistic and idealistic. This is not only painful to watch, but a total piss-off in general when we see/hear enough of this in real life already.  Life is not a movie people! We are all on our own journeys, and we all have our own stories to tell. Everyone struggles, but maybe in different ways and at different times. You, me, we... we're not alone!

3) It is possible to be simultaneously happy and insanely jealous at the same time
No joke... I always thought it was one or the other. Truth be told... I can physically cry happy-sad tears. So weird.

4) My moods are so much more linked to my reproductive cycle than I'd like to admit.
Okay, so we all know we get cranky at "that time", but did you know that you also feel "sexy" at one time, and more "attractive" at said time, and somewhat more "hungry" at this time. There are a LOT of "times" in a cycle... and become pretty predictable when you chart for years.

5) Hope is cruel and yet a complete and utter necessity.
If I didn't have hope, I wouldn't break down like I do. But if I didn't have hope, I'd also have given up a long long time ago. Hope is what keeps me going, moving towards my goal. But it is also what crushes me time and time again.

6) When you stop and focus on yourself, you learn so much about who you are as a person
I always knew I wanted to be a mother... this was a goal of mine since I was 16. I knew I was meant to be a parent, and wanted to do it young. But there is so much more to me, and I let that slip away little by little. Re-focusing on myself allowed me to rediscover just how awesome I am. Take my word for it... I'm awesome. And so are you!

7) You have to love yourself before someone there is space for others to love you.
Okay so this is a big one... For starters this is linked to #6 above... that's step one. But the more you learn about yourself, the more you need to accept, honor and love yourself. I believe had I been successful right out of the gate, I would never have had such a fulfilling and happy life. Taking this time to know and love ME, has made me realize that I want that for my child always and forever. I never want them feeling like they NEED something or someone to MAKE them happy. This goes for love, a job, and one day, for them too, children. Do I believe having a child will bring so much joy and fulfillment to my life, ABSOLUTELY! But that alone is not enough. I need to share my joys and passions with them when they do make their way into this world, and I need to model self-love... so I need to develop that in myself first!!!

8) Being vulnerable does NOT mean being weak. 
For me, it means being honest and open to support. Without my support network, I would not survive. Opening up, and admitting when I'm feeling hurt or sad, has allowed a level of respect and empathy from those around me I never expected. 

9) Once you reach one goal, a new one feels out of reach. 
So this has only recently popped up for me. For some random reason, I have this deep rooted feeling that very soon I will be a mother. I have no founded reason for this. It's just an intuition and I could be embarrassingly wrong. BUT, my point is, that now that I believe I can get pregnant, I'm worrying about pregnancy and the child I will bear. What if something goes wrong? What if my child has a disability. There is ALWAYS something to worry about. so......

10) Life isn't lived, but if lived in the moment.
Further to the above, I've learned that above all else, looking and reaching forward stops me from living in the moment, being present, and having gratitude for all that I do have and cherish. Yes I want a child, and I will never stop working towards that goal. But I chose to live for today, and make the most of it while I'm here. 

bonus #11 - If I would want it for my child, I need to want it for myself. Practice what you preach!

xo