YouTube Vlog

Hey guys, so as some of you know, I've been vlogging on my YouTube Channel so others can follow along with the journey. I still plan to write here now and then, but in terms of updates and what is happening on day to day, that's the best place to find me. It became a bit too much to do it all super consistently, but I do what I can. You can also find me on Instagram @liv4todayvlog !

Here are my three most recent videos:

Appointment Tomorrow

Wow... so it's happening... things are getting underway again and I'm feeling a bucket of emotions. Excitement to be starting another cycle. Impatience that this cycle will take so long. Apprehension at the drug I'll be taking (Lupron). Anticipation of what to expect with the other drugs along the way. Butterflies at the possibility that this cycle could work. Fear that it won't. It's like a smorgasbord of emotions, most of which aren't pleasant. One of which.... hope... drives it.

So tomorrow I go in for remote monitoring at a clinic here in Texas. They just need to make sure I don't have any cysts and that my bloodwork (hormone levels) looks good before proceeding with Lupron injection. Costs $300 out of pocket for one measly appointment. Boo hiss.

Then once my doc has a look at my results I'll (or Homme InFertile will) administer the injection. And then we wait...

So if all goes well, looks like I'd be starting the meds for this cycle November 30th with transfer slated for December 15th. Fingers crossed all goes according to plan. Who knows how my body will respond. Eek. We just need to decide if I'll do monitoring locally here in Texas, or if I'll go to New York for a few weeks. 

Day 12 (10 of stimms)

Had final BW/US checkup today and all eggies seemed to have grown. Huzzah! I'm ready to trigger tonight. Really nervous to allow Homme InFertile to do it for me but he's up for the task so we're going to give it a go. My last trigger was during my very first IVF round and I believe it was in the stomach and I gave it to myself... This will certainly be a trust building exercise for us.

Today the doc found 22 follicles, though it really seemed like at least 2 of them were re-counts. Fingers crossed those were our genuine numbers. I'm hyper-stimulating unfortunately, so been advised to have lots of fluids and take it very easy. I feel like my ovaries are just going to burst out of my pelvis. No jokes... not fun.

Went to acupuncture which I felt super sensitive to today for whatever reason. I guess lots of hormones in my body and its already all sensitive... anyway, wasn't the most pleasurable going in. Time flew by though and now I'm at home resting up.

Feeling a little dizzy, not sure if its from the cipro or what. Will have to have a nap and set an alarm for my trigger as I'm very VERY sleepy.

So short but sweet post today as I'm not feeling super chatty. Egg retrieval scheduled for Sunday.

Day 11 (day 9 stimms)

Intralipid time...

So today was a gloriously lazy day. Without my friend in town, I turned into the ultimate couch potato.. and unapologetically so. Hubby was super sweet and brought me to my intralipid appointment and hung out with me.

When we got there, the nurse brought me into the room (hubby had to wait outside) to hook me up to the IV. I got super lightheaded when she did it, even though she was super gentle, so I had to spend a bit of time slightly inverted to get blood flow back. Once I was hooked up she brought Homme InFertile in and we set up the laptop to watch a movie.

We rented a documentary for 99c, not because we're cheap but because it intrigued me, it was called Barista and was about 4 individuals headed to national barista championship competition. It was pretty good, and passed the time nicely.

In terms of the intralipid itself, my hand got a little numb/cold from laying it so straight and not moving it for so long.

Also the intralipids made me super sleepy so I really had to struggle to stay awake. All I wanted to do was sleep. Though I'm not sure if that's just me catching up from the busy days with my friend in town. I'm still super sleepy and its only 830pm but I have to wait up until 9pm to do my shots. Oh goodness I'm getting old haha.

Anyways, fingers crossed that the intralipids do the trick and we're successful. I'm back to being super bloated/constipated so I kinda waddle when I walk. Every step feels like a ton of bricks in my ovaries crashing around... not so pleasant. I go back in to the clinic tomorrow for ultrasound and bloodwork to see progress from Wednesday. I feel like theres definite progress, but that could just be the constipation bloat. Who's to say. We'll have to wait and see. I'm super nervous/excited to find out how things are moving along. Part of me doesn't want to trigger tomorrow, because my doc is back at work Monday, and if we trigger Saturday instead then he'll be able to do my retrieval himself. Just would give me more piece of mind, but I'm trying really hard to just have faith. 

Day 10 (8 stimms)

DAY 10 - day 8 stimms
Ganirelix done. Check.
Ultrasound done. - - -> My 21 follicles lowered to 17 (I guess some of the 5mms just dissipated). Disappointing, but still solid. Hoping all 17 hold strong.
BW done. - - -> Good to continue with same dosages, and am going back in Friday for another check up. I'll probably be ready to trigger Friday night it looks like. That'll make retrieval Sunday, Transfer Wednesday or Friday of next week.

I had another different doc today. I guess it truly does take a village. I liked her a lot better. Might try requesting her for my Friday appointment and retrieval. She just had a much warmer demeanor in my humble opinion.

Was so fun having my friend in town to distract me, but now she's left just as I was getting more uncomfortable and closer to the finish line. I am a bit relieved to have some down time. I feel like I'm just going to hermit it up for the next little while through our trigger, retrieval, and transfer.

We found out we might have to go back up to Canada while our new USA visas are processed, which is a bit of a pain in the butt. Maybe we'll do it during the 2ww. That'll make for a good distraction I figure. Problem is, if they want us going sooner rather than later the timing is tricky and may be a quick turn around situation. That's fine too, and maybe better if it means I can fly instead of having to drive. No chance I'd risk flying in the 2ww. No sir.

I go in for my intralipids tomorrow. Really nervous about that. No clue what to expect, and who in their right minds likes IVs? No one. I'm hoping Homme InFertile can join me and we can cuddle up and watch a movie. We haven't really had any alone/chill time since my friend was in town. I wanted to be respectful to her as she's single and I know it can be hard being around super lovey dovey couples (which we are, but just not in public). So soaking up some cuddles tonight. 

Day 3

Nerves anyone?

I woke up with a lot of anxiety today. First day of being monitored and I certainly wasn't looking forward to being reunited with the ole giant jelly-lubed ultrasound wand. Especially not while still on my period. Doesn't get much more awkward than that... ugh.

Morning Pick Me Up

At least its a nice waiting room....

When I arrived into my little wee exam room and undressed, I noticed a printed sign on the wall. My doc is going to be away from March 24-April 4. Huwwwhhhhaaaaaat!!?!?!?? We literally were all geared up to go last month, but postponed just because Homme InFertile lost his job and it was stress mania. Part of me regretted that the instant I saw the sign, but on the flip-side, I know that the stress and chaos was just too much at that time.

When he came in, I asked who'd be covering while starting to tear up. I think I made him feel pretty bad, but I couldn't help it. I'm friggin stressed. After 5 years of infertility, I'm really ready for a successful cycle, and being passed around from doc to doc at my last clinic in Canada, made me question my level of care and attention to detail. So to be dealing with passed on information once again, I'm just a bit jaded...

Anyways, lining looked good (6mm I think), and he found 8-10 follicles on each side, so decided I was ready to start. Wait... what? I had it so fixed in my brain that I'd likely not be starting until tomorrow. I was looking forward to the remainder of the day with no worries or cares, just likely another appointment to go to tomorrow. Well, clearly I was incorrect.

Then I had my blood drawn and she punctured me pretty bad. I have a small bruise, which I'm hoping will heal before I need more bloodwork Monday.

Feels worse than it looks :(

Afterwards, Homme InFertile took me for lunch. With all my dietary restrictions it can be hard to eat out, but Peacefood Cafe is one of my go-tos. Not only is it Vegan AND full of Gluten Free foods... its also super duper tasty. Can't get much better than that! I had a delicious "Quiche" made with sweet potato, cashew cheese, tofu etc., and the hubs had a "chicken" potato salad.

After lunch we still had some time, so we walked down towards Loft a fav store of mine where I picked up some new sunglasses and a comfy cute t-shirt. The cherry blossoms were kind enough to come out to bloom to help with the cheering up too! Though retail therapy works wonders on its own generally haha ... soooo bad. 

So they emailed me my updated calendar and I officially start stimms tonight. I get a lump in my throat just typing that. I add in the morning injection starting Saturday, and as mentioned go back for monitoring/check up on Monday to see how I'm progressing.

I've been watching all my injection videos (the clinic has really great clear instructionals) and feeling about as prepared as I can be for getting going. I'll point a video of it tonight. If you're intererested in the videos check them out at this link!

Day 2

Ahhhh. Last day of RnR before embarking on this crazy ole journey of IVF! I chose to not start monitoring today as day two is general my heaviest, most painful day. This cycle did not disappoint ;) so I'm really glad that I made my first baseline ultrasound and blood work appointment for tomorrow instead. I'll feel much better.

Cramps have ceased this afternoon somewhat thankfully, so I can enjoy a whopping day or two of feeling relatively normal before I start pricking myself with needles like a junkie. Need to re-watch the ole videos reminding me how to do this all... I feel like it's been so long that I have forgotten. Don't want to mess it up that's for sure!

Tonight I have a volleyball game. I'm guessing it'll likely be my last one since next week I have a friend in town and it also happens to fall on the hubs birthday. It's such an outlet for me... the following week April 5/7 is playoffs, but I'm likely going to be close to retrieval and feeling insanely bloated so that'll be a no go. Jumping with two ovaries full of eggs probably isn't in the protocol! hah! Then season's over :( So I gotta soak it all up tonight. I guess I'll have to just get back into yoga more. Gentle yoga that is.

Homme InFertile and I are both still unemployed. On the one hand its really super nice that he'll be around to take me to appointments and baby me (I need a lot of babying). But then on the other hand, we're investing a LOT of money to hopefully get pregnant which will cost even MORE money (one the birth happens of course), and neither of us has any income, nor do we know where we will like a few months from now. There is one job possibility that we are hoping will pan out, but we still won't know much more until Wednesday-ish. I say ish because realistically they said by Friday, but we're feeling as optimistic about it as possible. If all goes through, then we'll probably be in New York throughout my first trimester (possibly second as well), and then moving. So lots of potential changes on the horizon.

Best be off.

Pap & Recombine Testing

So I had my pap done the other day. BOO. I hate paps, but I guess it's important or whatever ;) haha.
Anyways, it's never comfortable, but doc wanted to do an "extra thorough job" as he put it, and so it was a little extra painful. Boo again! But I'm glad he took it seriously and that we'll get that cleared and have no concerns (hopefully) moving forward.

Then I did a quick single vial of blood for recombine testing (a cake walk compared to the 10 vials I did recently). I'm not anticipating anything coming up, but I guess if it does it'll be good to know. Also if I come up as a carrier, Homme InFertile will have to go get tested too. If you're interested to know more this video is helpful. https://player.vimeo.com/video/130796319

Now onto the fun stuff...

So Homme InFertile lost his job. We know this. We've come to terms with this. But this left a big ole question mark in the baby making department. Do we continue with IVF? Do we hold off? Should we pay for Cobra to extend our coverage? Do we wait until we know what our future plans are and do it then?

Well we talked about it a lot and when push comes to shove, there's never a good time. Our coverage was extended, so we found out we can go ahead with treatment (phew), and all of our meds already arrived (phew again)... so we might as well just go for it right!?

That's what we decided anyway. So the plan as it stands right now is to just give it a shot with my next cycle. So that means starting stimms at the end of this month (March) Eek! When I say that, I get all butterflies and heart pounding. Crazy to be starting this journey again. I really am praying for a different outcome this time around, but the jaded side of me is hesitant to get so excited. The whole process is drumming up old emotions for sure.

Another thing I've been putting off... dun dun dunnnn... the dentist. Need to do that before our cycle. No fun, and I have a feeling I'm going to have to get a filling or two... When will all the poking and prodding end!? ...not anytime soon that's for sure!

Cold & Flu Season

Ugh. WHyyyy!? All of a sudden temperatures in New York took a nose dive and it's frackin' freezing out. Don't let the beautiful sun and blue skies deceive you...

Anyway. I don't solely place blame on the weather. In reality, I know the reason why I'm down with a bad cold at the moment is due to being overworked during New York Fashion Week. Luckily for me, the three shows I was working on are done, and I can now rest up. I went to acupuncture on Friday hoping she could boost my immune system, but I think at this point my body needed to flush it out and regenerate after. In fact, the two points she did on my chest to help, one of them bruised, and the other spot a bump popped up (kind of like a little allergic reaction type bump). That tells me those points were definitely weaker than normal. So I'm trying to not be too pouty about the fact that I have a leaky faucet for a nose, and just trust that my body knows what it needs to do and rest and get lots of liquids.

Homme Infertile is doing a nice job of taking care of me even though he's been super stressed about his follow up appointment this afternoon. On that note... all good! Yay. My gut, intuition, whatever you wanna call it, had me feeling like he'd be fine, but I'm still glad to have it confirmed! Obviously we already know he has varicocele, but his sperm analysis and culture came back with fantastic results. In fact his morphology went up!!! How amazing is that!? So this appointment honestly could not have gone remotely better. Gives us a nice little positivity boost going into our cycle for sure!

Then, we went for bloodwork. They took 10, I repeat a whopping 10 vials of blood from me!!!
No lie. Here's proof!!! 

That whole basket of vials I had to fill. Needless to say I was a little lightheaded afterwards.

So now we wait on those results, but we're pretty certain that they will all be fine and dandy.
The other thing I have to do is a pap smear. Really? We couldn't have just gotten that over and done with during my uterine biopsy!? Seems completely redundant and frustrating to me, but such is life.
So I'll plan to get that done this week and then we can get a move on. Likely cycling in March. 

Biopsy Results

They're in, and they're less than ideal....

ENDOMETRIOSIS

It was definitely something we've been concerned about, but the firm diagnosis makes me sad.

I don't have much to say at this point in time other than we're not doing a laparoscopy at this time. Diet seems to minimize symptoms and no firm proof that surgery improves fertility rates. In fact, the risks seem too high for the potential reward.

Hubby has sperm analysis and culture today, so we'll see those results and have a better picture after his urology follow up.

Head is spinning. Need time to process.
On top of it, work is insane (I'm doing casting for fashion week) so I have a lot distracting me at the moment. Too much going on all at once.

In positive news, I splurged on a new purse to lift my spirits. I give you, the consolation prize:

I'm sure I'll be back soon with more to talk about... but for now... just keep swimming... just keep swimming... 

Just Another Curveball

So hubs had his urologist appointment last night. We weren't sure it was worth doing, since the concern is morphology possibly caused by varicocele and we're doing IVF anyway (likely with ICSI) but we decided to exhaust all testing just to be sure. So he went.

Based on some research regarding morphology, we were definitely expecting the urologist to mention varicocele. And he did.

But the doc was a little more concerned than we anticipated. See, it turns out that Homme InFertile happens to have some cysts. Are these caused by varicocele? Are these masses that could be cancerous? I wasn't there, and my darling husband didn't seem to ask many questions. My guess is, he was a little overwhelmed. But now I feel left in limbo. Of course I want kids and a family and all that, but my priority in this moment is making sure my husband is healthy and ok. So I'm worried of course.

He had blood tests done, and an ultrasound and is now having to do another sperm analysis and culture. After that is done, he'll go back for a follow up appointment. But that's scheduled for 2 weeks from now, which is a long time to stew in this new information.

Anyways. Not much we can do but continue to wait for more clarity. Luckily I'm really super busy working these next few weeks, so a helpful distraction I guess. Would just love to know that my lovely husband is going to be okay. Where's a crystal ball when you need one!?

Bloodwork cancelled!

Hey all... so my clinic called me as I was on the way to my appointment to have blood work done for immune and NK testing. They didn't realize their lab doesn't do that specific testing on Fridays....

REALLY?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WTF?

These were the emotions and thoughts that rushed through my mind. I've been waiting a while to do this test, and we picked a day and time that was most ideal for my hubby (all appointments are between 9 and 11 am and he works). Had we KNOWN in advance that blood testing for NK and immune wasn't doable on Fridays we obviously would have scheduled another day earlier this week because....
.... he's away for a full week starting tomorrow. This pushes EVERYTHING back. So frustrating. I took a few deep breaths, whoosawwwwd a little (if you don't know what I'm referencing, it's from the movie Bad Boys haha) and then once I calmed myself sent this email to my doc:

Good morning Dr. _____,
My husband and I were supposed to come in today to get blood drawn for immune testing but were called last minute to be advised that it cannot be done on Fridays.
We were somewhat disappointed we were told 30 minutes before our appointment especially since my husband is away all next week. Had we known in advance, we could have done this another day earlier this week. Disappointing as this is, mistakes happen and we just want to put together a plan to move forward and I'm trying to decide whether at this point we should bother.. so a few questions would help us if you don't mind...
I noticed in some of my research that sometimes NK activity can be recognized in the uterine biopsy. Is this true?
Is there a difference between localized NK activity in the uterus versus the bloodstream?
What information would we be gaining from this testing that would alter our protocol other than possibly a steroid like prednisone or intralipids? ie. what information from Eric's or my test results would contribute to a change in approach?
In your professional opinion do you feel as though this immune testing is of high importance to our treatment? or will it depend on what results come of our biopsy/shg?
On a separate note:
What is the cost for PGS? We are considering the possibility of doing it if we have a high embryo yield.
Is PGS something we need to decide on prior to beginning our cycle, or is it something that can be flexibly added/removed as we progress?
Thank you, as usual, for your time and expertise! :)

Now hopefully I came across as a calm, sane person (inside I didn't feel that way haha). I'm a little hot headed sometimes and out of principle hate when people are stupid. I felt like this was one such instance, but not sure who the stupid individual was... haha whooosawwwwww ... let it go. poof. gone.

I did NOT mention the funny thing. What's the funny thing you ask? Well the funny thing is that all morning I had been questioning whether this was a road I really wanted to go down. Do I believe in Intralipids? Do I think its the answer to our infertility woes? The fertility industry is very torn on the topic, more heavily weighted against it with articles explaining elevated NK could be related to stresses from the blood sample drawing, to the fact that elevated NK are existent in perfectly fertile couples, to little to no evidence or correlation to therapies used and positive outcomes. I mean its all over the place. Do I want to be successful? Yes. Do I want to sit and get multiple IVs and pay out of pocket for it if I don't need it? No. Do I want to pay $500 out of pocket just to have the test when I don't know if I even want the therapy or believe in the validity of it? BLehhahghhh... I dunno!?!!? NO?

Why is there so much for an infertile to decide about!?

So moving forward, Monday I still have my biopsy/SHG/trial transfer, and part of me believes that's what I need. Honestly... part of me thinks my uterus just needs a good scratch, clean out, and ripe new start. I dunno. I feel so confused right now.


*****
update:

Doc got back to me. I think we'll forego testing and if the therapies are covered just go ahead and do them. We're only doing 2 more transfers tops at this point, so might as well go all in and give ourselves the best chance possible.
I also read this blog post of another gal, and it encouraged me to just give it a go. Never know.