Day 25 - 6dp5dt

Ugh! ugh ugh UGH! Why did I do it... well I know why, I am a recovering POAS addict who fell off the wagon, THAT'S WHY!!! What did I do? Well if the acronym didn't clue you in, I peed on a stick. A FRER at that. And it was a big fat glaring negative.

Okay, so I'm not as totally as crushed as I might have made myself out to  be. Disappointed that my TWW wasn't cut short by overwhelmingly exciting news? Yes. But devastated? No. I mean, I'm only 6dp5dt and my pee also did appear to be quite diluted when I went this morning. Also... I've been convincing myself that I do indeed see just a hint of a whisper of a line. Doeth mine eyes playeth a trickery of hope? Ya... probably... but its a romantic thought to hope my little second line is coming for me as I wait in the shadows of doubt for its arrival.

How/why do I believe there is "a hint of a whisper of a line" you ask? Well as a recovering, ahem, newly fallen off the wagon, POAS addict, I have seen my fair share of negative tests. Now let me preface this with saying I have believed in the past I saw just such "whispers" but they were of course actual BFNs. So I am fully aware of my delusions, but in this instance I will let them be since I need to stay hopeful.

Okay so looking at the test I'm sure any sane person would say there is no chance there is a line there. Fine, hurumph, be that way! So I decided (again, not for the first time) to try "tweaking" my pregnancy test. So I took a photo, edited on my phone, and here it is. I recommend clicking on it, and opening it to see it clearer. Even tweaked its a squinter....  and its upside down...

Now although this isn't the first time I've tweaked a photo, it is the first time I believed I actually had proof of what I was seeing. If you don't see it, shame on you for crushing a poor hopeful infertile's dreams ;) But ya, I get it, it's a pretty big long shot. It could be an evap line, it could be any old sort of anomaly, but for now, I'll take it and use it to remain hopeful for another day. Homme InFertile agreed to buy me more tests so yay for that!

On symptom spotting notes, more early night sweating last night... so unpleasant! One or two pretty weird vivid dream (not sure if they were part of the same that blended or two distinct dreams) but again not pregnancy related. I did, however, decide that my friend was being an awful parent leaving a bunch of newborns downstairs unattended. We could hear one crying, and she was like "meh, they're fine"... but I refused, so I went down and picked a little boy up and cheered him up. It felt very natural, but I've also been around a lot of other peoples' babies so it does in real life too I guess.

Other than that, most of the cramping has gone, other than a few little twinges/pinches now and again. My back still hurts but not nearly as bad as yesterday either. Very mild bloat/constipation that accompanies that dull period pain too. Generally I feel pretty normal today. Normal as in just like a normal cycle where AF is around the corner. Ohhh well. I guess I have practice at this if it is indeed a fail... yet again.

Day 21 - 2dp5dt

Oh ye 2ww.... how I loathe thee... let me count the ways.

1. Symptom Spotting 
2. Emotional Turmoil
3. Ups & Downs
4. Urges to POAS
5. Time Warp

1. Symptom Spotting

This aint my first rodeo. I've been here before, too many times to count. Yet every so often I find something "new" something "I've never experienced before" that sends me into a tailspin believing this could possibly indicate a bfp is on its way. But month after month. Cycle after cycle, I'm disappointed to find out it was all in my mind, and the supposed symptom? Well just because of this or that. BOO. 

So what's going on with me today:

• I've been eating NON-stop today. Constantly hungry and onto the next thing. It's insatiable. I was however finally able to go to the bathroom and have normal bm's so I attribute that to the increased hunger... I'm rationalizing over here...
• I have had numerous weird twinges, pulls and cramps. Now this could be attributed to my ovaries shrinking back to size, it has been years since my last egg retrieval procedure and I had a lot less eggs at that, so maybe I've just forgotten or don't know fully what it feels like.
• Sudden onset of lower back pain (sort of near tailbone level). Came of out of nowhere and made sitting/laying/moving very uncomfortable. It seems to be diminishing slightly only a mere hour after it came on. Could be I slept funny or radiated out from my hip (I have a former hip injury and it has been bothering me as of late).
• Sooooo tired. All day every day. I think I've had 3 naps today. Now I have been run down with a cold, granted, so again, this can be explained away. Maybe its the stress too, just making me feel lazier/more tired than usual, who knows.

2. Emotional Turmoil

I think I've cried 3 times today, no word of a lie. It can be over something legit, or something completely ridiculous, and even knowing its silly at the time, I can't stop it. I just feel so bloody sensitive. Homme InFertile is certainly walking on pins and needles around me. 

See, when you've been ttc as long as an infertile, you want nothing more than the pain, blood, sweat and tears you've endured to turn into a beautiful bundle of joy. But yet at the same time you fear it will never happen. It's a sensitive time, and thus the stress can overwhelm and make you an oversensitive delicate flower (or at least is the case with me). 

3. Ups & Downs

Okay, so many today its more of just downs, but during the 2ww you go from optimistic blissful hopefulness, to depressed self-loathing pessimistic hatefulness. And it can happen in the blink of an eye too. Well today I've been feeling like no matter what we do we'll never be successful. I go from looking at stories of twin pregnancies, to research on reasons for recurrent IVF implantation failure. No matter what, I can't tell you with any level of certainty how I'll feel 10 minutes from now. Ahhh the infertile rollercoaster... quite the ride my friends, quite the ride.

4. Urges to POAS

So I swore up and down, sideways and backwards that I would not, under any circumstances, in no way shape or form, test before my beta. this was decided because I have seen way too many negatives for an entire lifetime. I have never once in TTC journey (or life for that matter) gotten a positive. Not once. Not even a hint of a line. Nadda. But yet I wish and pray so deeply that maybe this time I will. Maybe this month I'll for the first time in my life get to experience that feeling of seeing two pink lines side by side. And then starts the googling. "How many dpt (or days past transfer) did you get your bfp?" And the of course varied results. We're all different afterall. So when would the magic day be for us? I'm nowhere near the POAS time, but I'm already looking into the not too distant future and planning...

5. Time Warp

Seriously time moves at a snails pace in the 2ww. Ask any woman who's tried, even just for a month or two. That wait? Nothing worse. I would take another week of injecting myself over this torture hands down, and I know plenty of ladies who would say the same. I think of the fact that I'm somehow only 2 days past 5 day transfer and feel utterly defeated. Anyone got one of them handy dandy remotes like Adam Sandler in Click? Ya, could really use it about now...