Symptom Spotting by DPT

Okay, up until now I've already shared, but in the interest of having it all in place, here we go with a full up to date list...

0dp5dt
constipation
fatigue
(acupuncture)

1dp5dt
twinges/pulls
acid reflux (almost threw up when burped)
constipation
fatigue

2dp5dt
increased appetite
very emotional (crying)
sore throat
fatigue
frequent urination (but also drinking lots of water to stay hydrated)
gassy
back pain, unbearable then slowly went away

3dp5dt
bloated
constipation
cramps - started in a.m. then went away, came back worse later in day towards evening (bad overnight)
dizziness
very emotional (crying a lot again - super sensitive)

overnight - crazy frickin dreams. And very vivid - as if I was really there. Nothing baby related :(

4dp5dt
low energy (no nap but busy day... feeling almost ready for bed though and its only 630pm)
medium to bad cramps all day
average to low appetite (common for me with bad cramps)
mild nausea (common for me with bad cramps)
very emotional (crying continues)
breakout

overnight night sweats

5dp5dt
really bad lower back pain
tired easily and feeling lazy
very emotional (cried 3 times in the movie No Escape. Not exactly a tear jerker)
cramping is much milder
constipation
gas

overnight night sweats again, more vivid dream(s)... not pregnant related, but babies there... could be because I'm baby crazy!

6dp5dt (bfn)
bad lower back pain continues
feel very low energy, lazy and unmotivated
wet feeling I kind of get before AF... "know" she's getting ready to rear her ugly head
skin clearing up
constipation
mild bloat with dull AF "pain" (not cramps exactly)

Day 24 - 5dp5dt

Finally up to the amount of days post transfer equal to amount of days pre transfer... the equivalent of 10 dpo. In the past I would have already tested by now and believe me, I've certainly been tempted. I think we might have one frer hiding in our closet somewhere, but I would rather make use of it when it is more likely to give an accurate result. Although many people get positives this early, many also don't, and I really don't need to get more discouraged than I already am. It's taking everything in me to stay positive...

Overnight I started off with some early night sweats. I woke up drenched. I immediately got scared and sad. I get night sweats usually the night before AF shows. Usually I wake up to her gracing me with her presence in full force (she hasn't...yet at least). Was I too hot? Too cold? I couldn't tell, but accompanied by the intense cramping I had the night before I was pretty certain it was not good news. Somehow I managed to push this out of my thoughts enough to fall back asleep after half-hazardly wiping the sweat off my chest.

Then, middle of the night I woke up. I felt wide awake yet it was still basically pitch dark out, I finally caved and checked my phone, the bright light of the screen making me squint. 4am! Ugh. I tossed and turned hoping that maybe I just had a bad dream I wasn't remembering that woke me up and I would fall right back asleep, but I was awake and alert...insomnia! I wondered if maybe I woke up to go pee (I had been doing that the last few mornings, though that was more like 630am, not 4!!!), but then all that thinking of peeing finally made me have to get up to pee. Lame. Once I get up and do that I have a really hard time falling back asleep. I came back in and Homme InFertile very groggily asked me if everything was alright. I told him what was going on and he got grumpy, as if his empathy was only worthy if I had a reason for disturbing him in the night, and apparently my insomnia and pee-needs were not fitting the bill.

I watched some "Friends" on the laptop which always lulls me to sleep. I've seen all 10 seasons a gazillion times over so know it so well it's like a lullaby. That eventually worked, but I continued to toss and turn throughout the early morning due to lower back pain. When I finally woke up to our "alarm clock", aka the jackhammer that starts up every morning at 730am, my back pain was even worse and I feel absolutely exhausted from all the lack of sleep last night.

Today we're planning to go to a mets game. Having Homme InFertile home and around during this wait has been incredible! I'm not left to stew on my own while I can't work (living in the states as a dependent without visa privileges sucks). I just hope my back feels better before then, as sitting in those hard seats for a full 9 innings isn't going to be the most pleasant for me in this state. But I love baseball, and it would be such a great distraction for me today... so I'll try and tough it out, see how it goes at least.

Anyways. I guess that's all for now. Still many a days before I'll know if all these symptoms are period or baby related. Could go either way.... might as well be a coin toss. 

Day 23 - 4dp5dt

Another day full of cramping. Wow.... really REALLY feels like I'm building up for AF up in here. And I'm none-too-pleased about it all, for obvious reasons.

I'm really trying to keep myself as calm and level-headed as possible but it's just so dang hard. I am freaking the frack out. I am so nervous and scared that this cycle is going to be another failure, and yet just hoping and praying so hard that the opposite is true.

It's been a long road to get here, and starting this cycle I've been so hopeful that intralipids were the ticket to success. Now I'm just not so sure. I'm questioning everything. Every decision, every meal, every activity. I'm driving myself bonkers and that's certainly not helping.

I want nothing more than to have faith that it'll all work out, but sometimes it's just hard. I keep my trusty stone with me always, and I rub it to calm myself... that helps a little.

If we wanna play the symptom spotting game for a minute here's what's been going on up until now:

0dp5dt
constipation
fatigue
(acupuncture)

1dp5dt
twinges/pulls
acid reflux (almost threw up when burped)
constipation
fatigue

2dp5dt
increased appetite
very emotional (crying)
sore throat
fatigue
frequent urination (but also drinking lots of water to stay hydrated)
gassy
back pain, unbearable then slowly went away

3dp5dt
bloated
constipation
cramps - started in a.m. then went away, came back worse later in day towards evening (bad overnight)
dizziness
very emotional (crying a lot again - super sensitive)

overnight - crazy frickin dreams. And very vivid - as if I was really there. Nothing baby related :(

4dp5dt
low energy (no nap but busy day... feeling almost ready for bed though and its only 630pm)
medium to bad cramps all day
average to low appetite (common for me with bad cramps)
mild nausea (common for me with bad cramps)
very emotional (crying continues)

... we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Day 22 - 3dp5dt

Woke up this morning with AF like cramps. They've been coming and going, but laying there in bed I really felt the same way I do when waiting for the monthly witch to pay her visit.

My LP (luteal phase) is generally 12-13 days. I say generally because it used to be 11, and then increased to 12, and lately seems to be even better at 13... for the most part at least. Anyway, that means that 14dpo=cd1 of new cycle. Today is the equivalent to 8dpo and I therefore have 5 days left of my existing cycle (on a normal month at least) before AF is expected to rear her ugly head. To me this seems a bit early for this severity of cramping, just knowing my own body and such. But at the same time, if we look on the low end of one of my cycles, I'm just 3 days away from AF, and that's a little less far fetched. Ugh.

Kinda crappy to be feeling so crappy too. When I say I feel like my period is coming, I really do mean it. I just want a heating pad on my lower back/pelvic region to make me feel better but obviously that is a huge no go since if I am pregnant it could hurt/hinder implantation etc.

Boo. BOO BOO BOO!

Day 21 - 2dp5dt

Oh ye 2ww.... how I loathe thee... let me count the ways.

1. Symptom Spotting 
2. Emotional Turmoil
3. Ups & Downs
4. Urges to POAS
5. Time Warp

1. Symptom Spotting

This aint my first rodeo. I've been here before, too many times to count. Yet every so often I find something "new" something "I've never experienced before" that sends me into a tailspin believing this could possibly indicate a bfp is on its way. But month after month. Cycle after cycle, I'm disappointed to find out it was all in my mind, and the supposed symptom? Well just because of this or that. BOO. 

So what's going on with me today:

• I've been eating NON-stop today. Constantly hungry and onto the next thing. It's insatiable. I was however finally able to go to the bathroom and have normal bm's so I attribute that to the increased hunger... I'm rationalizing over here...
• I have had numerous weird twinges, pulls and cramps. Now this could be attributed to my ovaries shrinking back to size, it has been years since my last egg retrieval procedure and I had a lot less eggs at that, so maybe I've just forgotten or don't know fully what it feels like.
• Sudden onset of lower back pain (sort of near tailbone level). Came of out of nowhere and made sitting/laying/moving very uncomfortable. It seems to be diminishing slightly only a mere hour after it came on. Could be I slept funny or radiated out from my hip (I have a former hip injury and it has been bothering me as of late).
• Sooooo tired. All day every day. I think I've had 3 naps today. Now I have been run down with a cold, granted, so again, this can be explained away. Maybe its the stress too, just making me feel lazier/more tired than usual, who knows.

2. Emotional Turmoil

I think I've cried 3 times today, no word of a lie. It can be over something legit, or something completely ridiculous, and even knowing its silly at the time, I can't stop it. I just feel so bloody sensitive. Homme InFertile is certainly walking on pins and needles around me. 

See, when you've been ttc as long as an infertile, you want nothing more than the pain, blood, sweat and tears you've endured to turn into a beautiful bundle of joy. But yet at the same time you fear it will never happen. It's a sensitive time, and thus the stress can overwhelm and make you an oversensitive delicate flower (or at least is the case with me). 

3. Ups & Downs

Okay, so many today its more of just downs, but during the 2ww you go from optimistic blissful hopefulness, to depressed self-loathing pessimistic hatefulness. And it can happen in the blink of an eye too. Well today I've been feeling like no matter what we do we'll never be successful. I go from looking at stories of twin pregnancies, to research on reasons for recurrent IVF implantation failure. No matter what, I can't tell you with any level of certainty how I'll feel 10 minutes from now. Ahhh the infertile rollercoaster... quite the ride my friends, quite the ride.

4. Urges to POAS

So I swore up and down, sideways and backwards that I would not, under any circumstances, in no way shape or form, test before my beta. this was decided because I have seen way too many negatives for an entire lifetime. I have never once in TTC journey (or life for that matter) gotten a positive. Not once. Not even a hint of a line. Nadda. But yet I wish and pray so deeply that maybe this time I will. Maybe this month I'll for the first time in my life get to experience that feeling of seeing two pink lines side by side. And then starts the googling. "How many dpt (or days past transfer) did you get your bfp?" And the of course varied results. We're all different afterall. So when would the magic day be for us? I'm nowhere near the POAS time, but I'm already looking into the not too distant future and planning...

5. Time Warp

Seriously time moves at a snails pace in the 2ww. Ask any woman who's tried, even just for a month or two. That wait? Nothing worse. I would take another week of injecting myself over this torture hands down, and I know plenty of ladies who would say the same. I think of the fact that I'm somehow only 2 days past 5 day transfer and feel utterly defeated. Anyone got one of them handy dandy remotes like Adam Sandler in Click? Ya, could really use it about now...

Day 16

Still sick and sore... and totally over it. Why can't I just feel better already!?

I do seem to be on the mend cold/flu wise... at least seems that way this morning. My nose isn't quite as runny, and I don't feel as foggy. In terms of my post-procedure pain, not sure. Just took some tylenol so perhaps that's helping, but little by little it seems to be getting better. But I'm talking minuscule sloth-like progress. I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and magically feel like myself again, but morning after morning am disappointed.

My volleyball team has first round of playoffs tonight and of course I can't go. If we progress to Thursday semi-finals (and hopefully finals), I would love to be able to play, but I also really don't want to push/risk it before transfer day Friday. Lame, as I could really use a little activity, but that seems like a pipe dream at this point.

I had really forgotten how bad and long the recovery from egg-retrieval can be. Maybe it's because this time I had double the amount of eggs, but seriously, not fun, and I was whole-fully unprepared. So here you go...

Things to expect in recovery after IVF ER (egg-retrieval):

• pain - if you experience ovulation pain, its quite similar but worse obviousy.
• bloating - expect to look and feel pregnant already... it may be sensitive to the touch.
• gas - probably a root cause of the above, but embarrassing and uncomfortable.
• constipation - I'd really love to use the washroom. I read someone compare it to birthing a final egg that just didn't get retrieved and refuses to make its way into this world, and that's exactly how I feel. Also probably a cause of the three above.
• fluctuating appetite - moments of nausea, followed by a ravenous need to eat protein.
• anxiety - wondering if you're one of the ladies who is experiencing OHSS... you hypochondriac you...
• anticipation - seriously the embryo update calls get you all in a funk... tomorrow update #2 can't come soon enough.

I'm sure there are plenty more. If you have anything to add... feel free to comment and I'll update!

I do have to say though. Homme InFertile has been taking good care of me. I don't know what I would have done if I had of needed to go back to work, or if he was working. He's been taking such good care of me that I've basically been on bed rest. I could get used to that part ;)

Day 14

Retrieval day!!!

SOooo I woke up with my head cold which had gotten worse overnight. I give thanks to little to no rest due to lightning/thunder followed by sirens, followed by wind, followed by cramps and nerves keeping me awake. I literally had nightmares of ovulating all my eggs out and going in for retrieval and there being nothing to retrieve. (spoiler alert... this was not the case). So its no surprise I was a little overtired and feeling pretty crummy when I woke up.

Anyways, we headed in to the clinic bright and early. We had to be there for 830, and our retrieval was scheduled for 930. We sat in the waiting room for a while as woman after woman was taken back. Seeing them come back out assured me they were just here for check-ups. Anyways, we were finally brought back shortly after 9am, and I changed in to my sexy gown and rubber soled socks.

First the embryologist came in to discuss my "fertilization plan" which she said, although good in theory, simply wasn't practical. She explained to me that when they natural fertilization they do not clean the eggs and minerals or whatever around them, so they can't know how many are "mature" at that point. With ICSI the eggs are washed before they are fertilized so they do. So unfortunately we had to throw my entire plan out the window. I was kind of annoyed since I emailed the doc (on holiday) in advance to see if this plan was feasible, and he assured me it was, and even the nurses confirmed it, so I thought it was all good to go. I was just too overwhelmed to make a decision so made her and Homme InFertile make the new plan for me. So we settled on doing a direct split of whatever we got and going 1/2 and 1/2. Simple enough.

Today I had yet another new doc. Again, this has been annoying for me since I was so excited to be at a clinic where each and every time (almost... ) I'd get my actual doctor. Well this ended up being far from the case, but the good news is the doctor doing my retrieval was a huge teddy bear and absolute sweetheart. So in the end, whatever. I just keep reminding myself to have FAITH that it will all work out, and this is exactly how its supposed to be going. It's kept me a bit calmer I think.

The anesthesiologist was different from last time as well. Very sweet. I was out very quickly in the room again. So strange to know its coming. So here's the funny part, and still a grand mystery. I BELIEVE I woke up in the operating room just as we were finishing up, and INSISTED that I lift myself off the table onto the trolly bed. If you watch the video you'll hear me talking about it, but I'm pretty sure I probably went to throw myself off the table and they all rushed to lift me. Ahhhh good times.
And next thing I was waking up in my room with Homme InFertile by my side. He video taped me and I can honestly say I don't remember anything up until "Rock Star" ... I was calling my anesthesiologist a rock star for her timing of when I woke up on the table. I get very weird on sleepy meds. For your viewing pleasure...

In terms of the procedure, found out I had 20 eggs retrieved. I was thrilled of course, as I really wasn't sure what to expect since one day they found 17 follicles, and the next 22... so 20 sounded perfect.

In terms of recovery I was in a lot of pain and requested some extra pain meds. That helped and was able to get some fluids and snap out of my fog brain. When we got home I had lots of cramps and bloating. My appetite fluctuated from non-existent to famished. I made sure to get lots of rest and fluid and was basically a couch potato the entire day. My cold continued on as well which sucked, but I napped and am hoping to feel better soon.

Before bed I stared my progesterone suppositories (read someone who used their unused pre-seed applicators so gave that a try.... I recommend just using your finger personally), as well as my estrace. Really feels like I'm in the 2ww even though I haven't had the transfer. I guess technically ER day is like O day so technically, TECHNICALLY, I am. 

Day 2

Ahhhh. Last day of RnR before embarking on this crazy ole journey of IVF! I chose to not start monitoring today as day two is general my heaviest, most painful day. This cycle did not disappoint ;) so I'm really glad that I made my first baseline ultrasound and blood work appointment for tomorrow instead. I'll feel much better.

Cramps have ceased this afternoon somewhat thankfully, so I can enjoy a whopping day or two of feeling relatively normal before I start pricking myself with needles like a junkie. Need to re-watch the ole videos reminding me how to do this all... I feel like it's been so long that I have forgotten. Don't want to mess it up that's for sure!

Tonight I have a volleyball game. I'm guessing it'll likely be my last one since next week I have a friend in town and it also happens to fall on the hubs birthday. It's such an outlet for me... the following week April 5/7 is playoffs, but I'm likely going to be close to retrieval and feeling insanely bloated so that'll be a no go. Jumping with two ovaries full of eggs probably isn't in the protocol! hah! Then season's over :( So I gotta soak it all up tonight. I guess I'll have to just get back into yoga more. Gentle yoga that is.

Homme InFertile and I are both still unemployed. On the one hand its really super nice that he'll be around to take me to appointments and baby me (I need a lot of babying). But then on the other hand, we're investing a LOT of money to hopefully get pregnant which will cost even MORE money (one the birth happens of course), and neither of us has any income, nor do we know where we will like a few months from now. There is one job possibility that we are hoping will pan out, but we still won't know much more until Wednesday-ish. I say ish because realistically they said by Friday, but we're feeling as optimistic about it as possible. If all goes through, then we'll probably be in New York throughout my first trimester (possibly second as well), and then moving. So lots of potential changes on the horizon.

Best be off.

Day 1

Oh Boy Oh Boy... Cycle Day 1 has arrived, and I'm freaking the frack out!!!
I tried putting my calendar together to make myself feel more organized and less stressed... ya that didn't work so well... now I'm just freaking out worse looking over the fact that the next 5 weeks are going to be esssentially torture. Eep.

I have not so fun cramps today, but worse is the fact that I'm just so freakin' anxious about starting all this over again. I'm so beyond terrified of yet another disappointment on this hard hard road to parenthood. Ugh.