Symptom Spotting by DPT

Okay, up until now I've already shared, but in the interest of having it all in place, here we go with a full up to date list...

0dp5dt
constipation
fatigue
(acupuncture)

1dp5dt
twinges/pulls
acid reflux (almost threw up when burped)
constipation
fatigue

2dp5dt
increased appetite
very emotional (crying)
sore throat
fatigue
frequent urination (but also drinking lots of water to stay hydrated)
gassy
back pain, unbearable then slowly went away

3dp5dt
bloated
constipation
cramps - started in a.m. then went away, came back worse later in day towards evening (bad overnight)
dizziness
very emotional (crying a lot again - super sensitive)

overnight - crazy frickin dreams. And very vivid - as if I was really there. Nothing baby related :(

4dp5dt
low energy (no nap but busy day... feeling almost ready for bed though and its only 630pm)
medium to bad cramps all day
average to low appetite (common for me with bad cramps)
mild nausea (common for me with bad cramps)
very emotional (crying continues)
breakout

overnight night sweats

5dp5dt
really bad lower back pain
tired easily and feeling lazy
very emotional (cried 3 times in the movie No Escape. Not exactly a tear jerker)
cramping is much milder
constipation
gas

overnight night sweats again, more vivid dream(s)... not pregnant related, but babies there... could be because I'm baby crazy!

6dp5dt (bfn)
bad lower back pain continues
feel very low energy, lazy and unmotivated
wet feeling I kind of get before AF... "know" she's getting ready to rear her ugly head
skin clearing up
constipation
mild bloat with dull AF "pain" (not cramps exactly)

Day 25 - 6dp5dt

Ugh! ugh ugh UGH! Why did I do it... well I know why, I am a recovering POAS addict who fell off the wagon, THAT'S WHY!!! What did I do? Well if the acronym didn't clue you in, I peed on a stick. A FRER at that. And it was a big fat glaring negative.

Okay, so I'm not as totally as crushed as I might have made myself out to  be. Disappointed that my TWW wasn't cut short by overwhelmingly exciting news? Yes. But devastated? No. I mean, I'm only 6dp5dt and my pee also did appear to be quite diluted when I went this morning. Also... I've been convincing myself that I do indeed see just a hint of a whisper of a line. Doeth mine eyes playeth a trickery of hope? Ya... probably... but its a romantic thought to hope my little second line is coming for me as I wait in the shadows of doubt for its arrival.

How/why do I believe there is "a hint of a whisper of a line" you ask? Well as a recovering, ahem, newly fallen off the wagon, POAS addict, I have seen my fair share of negative tests. Now let me preface this with saying I have believed in the past I saw just such "whispers" but they were of course actual BFNs. So I am fully aware of my delusions, but in this instance I will let them be since I need to stay hopeful.

Okay so looking at the test I'm sure any sane person would say there is no chance there is a line there. Fine, hurumph, be that way! So I decided (again, not for the first time) to try "tweaking" my pregnancy test. So I took a photo, edited on my phone, and here it is. I recommend clicking on it, and opening it to see it clearer. Even tweaked its a squinter....  and its upside down...

Now although this isn't the first time I've tweaked a photo, it is the first time I believed I actually had proof of what I was seeing. If you don't see it, shame on you for crushing a poor hopeful infertile's dreams ;) But ya, I get it, it's a pretty big long shot. It could be an evap line, it could be any old sort of anomaly, but for now, I'll take it and use it to remain hopeful for another day. Homme InFertile agreed to buy me more tests so yay for that!

On symptom spotting notes, more early night sweating last night... so unpleasant! One or two pretty weird vivid dream (not sure if they were part of the same that blended or two distinct dreams) but again not pregnancy related. I did, however, decide that my friend was being an awful parent leaving a bunch of newborns downstairs unattended. We could hear one crying, and she was like "meh, they're fine"... but I refused, so I went down and picked a little boy up and cheered him up. It felt very natural, but I've also been around a lot of other peoples' babies so it does in real life too I guess.

Other than that, most of the cramping has gone, other than a few little twinges/pinches now and again. My back still hurts but not nearly as bad as yesterday either. Very mild bloat/constipation that accompanies that dull period pain too. Generally I feel pretty normal today. Normal as in just like a normal cycle where AF is around the corner. Ohhh well. I guess I have practice at this if it is indeed a fail... yet again.

Day 24 - 5dp5dt

Finally up to the amount of days post transfer equal to amount of days pre transfer... the equivalent of 10 dpo. In the past I would have already tested by now and believe me, I've certainly been tempted. I think we might have one frer hiding in our closet somewhere, but I would rather make use of it when it is more likely to give an accurate result. Although many people get positives this early, many also don't, and I really don't need to get more discouraged than I already am. It's taking everything in me to stay positive...

Overnight I started off with some early night sweats. I woke up drenched. I immediately got scared and sad. I get night sweats usually the night before AF shows. Usually I wake up to her gracing me with her presence in full force (she hasn't...yet at least). Was I too hot? Too cold? I couldn't tell, but accompanied by the intense cramping I had the night before I was pretty certain it was not good news. Somehow I managed to push this out of my thoughts enough to fall back asleep after half-hazardly wiping the sweat off my chest.

Then, middle of the night I woke up. I felt wide awake yet it was still basically pitch dark out, I finally caved and checked my phone, the bright light of the screen making me squint. 4am! Ugh. I tossed and turned hoping that maybe I just had a bad dream I wasn't remembering that woke me up and I would fall right back asleep, but I was awake and alert...insomnia! I wondered if maybe I woke up to go pee (I had been doing that the last few mornings, though that was more like 630am, not 4!!!), but then all that thinking of peeing finally made me have to get up to pee. Lame. Once I get up and do that I have a really hard time falling back asleep. I came back in and Homme InFertile very groggily asked me if everything was alright. I told him what was going on and he got grumpy, as if his empathy was only worthy if I had a reason for disturbing him in the night, and apparently my insomnia and pee-needs were not fitting the bill.

I watched some "Friends" on the laptop which always lulls me to sleep. I've seen all 10 seasons a gazillion times over so know it so well it's like a lullaby. That eventually worked, but I continued to toss and turn throughout the early morning due to lower back pain. When I finally woke up to our "alarm clock", aka the jackhammer that starts up every morning at 730am, my back pain was even worse and I feel absolutely exhausted from all the lack of sleep last night.

Today we're planning to go to a mets game. Having Homme InFertile home and around during this wait has been incredible! I'm not left to stew on my own while I can't work (living in the states as a dependent without visa privileges sucks). I just hope my back feels better before then, as sitting in those hard seats for a full 9 innings isn't going to be the most pleasant for me in this state. But I love baseball, and it would be such a great distraction for me today... so I'll try and tough it out, see how it goes at least.

Anyways. I guess that's all for now. Still many a days before I'll know if all these symptoms are period or baby related. Could go either way.... might as well be a coin toss. 

Day 22 - 3dp5dt

Woke up this morning with AF like cramps. They've been coming and going, but laying there in bed I really felt the same way I do when waiting for the monthly witch to pay her visit.

My LP (luteal phase) is generally 12-13 days. I say generally because it used to be 11, and then increased to 12, and lately seems to be even better at 13... for the most part at least. Anyway, that means that 14dpo=cd1 of new cycle. Today is the equivalent to 8dpo and I therefore have 5 days left of my existing cycle (on a normal month at least) before AF is expected to rear her ugly head. To me this seems a bit early for this severity of cramping, just knowing my own body and such. But at the same time, if we look on the low end of one of my cycles, I'm just 3 days away from AF, and that's a little less far fetched. Ugh.

Kinda crappy to be feeling so crappy too. When I say I feel like my period is coming, I really do mean it. I just want a heating pad on my lower back/pelvic region to make me feel better but obviously that is a huge no go since if I am pregnant it could hurt/hinder implantation etc.

Boo. BOO BOO BOO!

Day 21 - 2dp5dt

Oh ye 2ww.... how I loathe thee... let me count the ways.

1. Symptom Spotting 
2. Emotional Turmoil
3. Ups & Downs
4. Urges to POAS
5. Time Warp

1. Symptom Spotting

This aint my first rodeo. I've been here before, too many times to count. Yet every so often I find something "new" something "I've never experienced before" that sends me into a tailspin believing this could possibly indicate a bfp is on its way. But month after month. Cycle after cycle, I'm disappointed to find out it was all in my mind, and the supposed symptom? Well just because of this or that. BOO. 

So what's going on with me today:

• I've been eating NON-stop today. Constantly hungry and onto the next thing. It's insatiable. I was however finally able to go to the bathroom and have normal bm's so I attribute that to the increased hunger... I'm rationalizing over here...
• I have had numerous weird twinges, pulls and cramps. Now this could be attributed to my ovaries shrinking back to size, it has been years since my last egg retrieval procedure and I had a lot less eggs at that, so maybe I've just forgotten or don't know fully what it feels like.
• Sudden onset of lower back pain (sort of near tailbone level). Came of out of nowhere and made sitting/laying/moving very uncomfortable. It seems to be diminishing slightly only a mere hour after it came on. Could be I slept funny or radiated out from my hip (I have a former hip injury and it has been bothering me as of late).
• Sooooo tired. All day every day. I think I've had 3 naps today. Now I have been run down with a cold, granted, so again, this can be explained away. Maybe its the stress too, just making me feel lazier/more tired than usual, who knows.

2. Emotional Turmoil

I think I've cried 3 times today, no word of a lie. It can be over something legit, or something completely ridiculous, and even knowing its silly at the time, I can't stop it. I just feel so bloody sensitive. Homme InFertile is certainly walking on pins and needles around me. 

See, when you've been ttc as long as an infertile, you want nothing more than the pain, blood, sweat and tears you've endured to turn into a beautiful bundle of joy. But yet at the same time you fear it will never happen. It's a sensitive time, and thus the stress can overwhelm and make you an oversensitive delicate flower (or at least is the case with me). 

3. Ups & Downs

Okay, so many today its more of just downs, but during the 2ww you go from optimistic blissful hopefulness, to depressed self-loathing pessimistic hatefulness. And it can happen in the blink of an eye too. Well today I've been feeling like no matter what we do we'll never be successful. I go from looking at stories of twin pregnancies, to research on reasons for recurrent IVF implantation failure. No matter what, I can't tell you with any level of certainty how I'll feel 10 minutes from now. Ahhh the infertile rollercoaster... quite the ride my friends, quite the ride.

4. Urges to POAS

So I swore up and down, sideways and backwards that I would not, under any circumstances, in no way shape or form, test before my beta. this was decided because I have seen way too many negatives for an entire lifetime. I have never once in TTC journey (or life for that matter) gotten a positive. Not once. Not even a hint of a line. Nadda. But yet I wish and pray so deeply that maybe this time I will. Maybe this month I'll for the first time in my life get to experience that feeling of seeing two pink lines side by side. And then starts the googling. "How many dpt (or days past transfer) did you get your bfp?" And the of course varied results. We're all different afterall. So when would the magic day be for us? I'm nowhere near the POAS time, but I'm already looking into the not too distant future and planning...

5. Time Warp

Seriously time moves at a snails pace in the 2ww. Ask any woman who's tried, even just for a month or two. That wait? Nothing worse. I would take another week of injecting myself over this torture hands down, and I know plenty of ladies who would say the same. I think of the fact that I'm somehow only 2 days past 5 day transfer and feel utterly defeated. Anyone got one of them handy dandy remotes like Adam Sandler in Click? Ya, could really use it about now...

Day 20 - 1dp5dt

Homme InFertile has fallen victim to my cold, poor guy. No one to blame but me. Looks like its going to be a lazy house this weekend. He's still being amazing about helping me out as much as possible... he doesn't seem to have gotten it quite as bad, perhaps because he didn't have a procedure to puncture his tenders we'll call them, and remove their contents at the same time.

Anyhoo... I'm continuing to improve, cough is persistent but overall definitely feeling quite a bit better "cold wise".

Now on to the whole lower portion...

Been a bit achy today in the ovaries. I know that they're shrinking back down to size and recovering, but the achy/crampy feeling isn't overly pleasant. I had some weird moments as well today where I have pulling... its like a pulled muscle between my ovaries and center line/belly button area (but lower), but the pulling is up/down (not side/side)... clearly hard to explain what I'm trying to say. Only have it on the left side mainly (a small little episode on the right when I stood up once, but nothing since). I'm wondering if it's implantation, or radiating pain from the ovary... 

I'm also very VERY tired today. I have been laying around all day and then went and took an epic, full on asleep rem nap mid afternoon. Was out for a good while. And yet, feel like I could go for another one. Or like bedtime can't come soon enough. I also have been feeling sort of light-headed/foggy with weird little dizzy moments when I turn my head too fast (even while laying down). So that's a bit odd too. And finally, I'm peeing a ton, but that I have an explanation for since I'm making sure to take in as much fluids as possible to stay hydrated, healthy, and attractive to my embabies. 

On a tmi note, straining a bit still to go to the washroom. I'm sure many going through IVF can relate that you worry that the straining could somehow, in some way prevent implantation. I know that's not the case, but it still crosses the mind. That's the horrid thing about the 2ww. You think you have control over the outcome by every little thing you do - what you're eating (warming foods, bromeline rich pineapple etc), how warm your keeping yourself, as if one small misstep will lead to a bfn. Unfortunately, its in the universe's hands. 

One thing I heard that really helped me snap out of that funk, and a mantra I remind myself each day is:

"If doing or not doing any of these things would prevent pregnancy, then women who were avoiding pregnancy would be doing them! But that's just not the case. A woman who doesn't want to be pregnant can't un-pregnate herself no matter how hard she tries, so quit being so darn hard on yourself!"

I really thought though that going through this 2ww I wouldn't be going crazy, yet here I am, a day in, and nuts already! I feel pretty hopeful, but I know that'll ebb and flow as the days go by.