Thursday, 14 April 2016

Day 25 - 6dp5dt

Ugh! ugh ugh UGH! Why did I do it... well I know why, I am a recovering POAS addict who fell off the wagon, THAT'S WHY!!! What did I do? Well if the acronym didn't clue you in, I peed on a stick. A FRER at that. And it was a big fat glaring negative.

Okay, so I'm not as totally as crushed as I might have made myself out to  be. Disappointed that my TWW wasn't cut short by overwhelmingly exciting news? Yes. But devastated? No. I mean, I'm only 6dp5dt and my pee also did appear to be quite diluted when I went this morning. Also... I've been convincing myself that I do indeed see just a hint of a whisper of a line. Doeth mine eyes playeth a trickery of hope? Ya... probably... but its a romantic thought to hope my little second line is coming for me as I wait in the shadows of doubt for its arrival.

How/why do I believe there is "a hint of a whisper of a line" you ask? Well as a recovering, ahem, newly fallen off the wagon, POAS addict, I have seen my fair share of negative tests. Now let me preface this with saying I have believed in the past I saw just such "whispers" but they were of course actual BFNs. So I am fully aware of my delusions, but in this instance I will let them be since I need to stay hopeful.

Okay so looking at the test I'm sure any sane person would say there is no chance there is a line there. Fine, hurumph, be that way! So I decided (again, not for the first time) to try "tweaking" my pregnancy test. So I took a photo, edited on my phone, and here it is. I recommend clicking on it, and opening it to see it clearer. Even tweaked its a squinter....  and its upside down...

Now although this isn't the first time I've tweaked a photo, it is the first time I believed I actually had proof of what I was seeing. If you don't see it, shame on you for crushing a poor hopeful infertile's dreams ;) But ya, I get it, it's a pretty big long shot. It could be an evap line, it could be any old sort of anomaly, but for now, I'll take it and use it to remain hopeful for another day. Homme InFertile agreed to buy me more tests so yay for that!

On symptom spotting notes, more early night sweating last night... so unpleasant! One or two pretty weird vivid dream (not sure if they were part of the same that blended or two distinct dreams) but again not pregnancy related. I did, however, decide that my friend was being an awful parent leaving a bunch of newborns downstairs unattended. We could hear one crying, and she was like "meh, they're fine"... but I refused, so I went down and picked a little boy up and cheered him up. It felt very natural, but I've also been around a lot of other peoples' babies so it does in real life too I guess.

Other than that, most of the cramping has gone, other than a few little twinges/pinches now and again. My back still hurts but not nearly as bad as yesterday either. Very mild bloat/constipation that accompanies that dull period pain too. Generally I feel pretty normal today. Normal as in just like a normal cycle where AF is around the corner. Ohhh well. I guess I have practice at this if it is indeed a fail... yet again.

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