Someone tell me I'm Stupid... Please!!!

It's the last month before IVF... yes, yes... we've been over this.
Today I had an "implantation" temperature dip at 9dpo (8 dpo if ovulation occurred when I think it did rather than when Fertility Friend says it did).

So here's the deal with the dip. It does NOT always indicate pregnancy. In fact, it is still found in many, MANY charts. I could even argue I've had it in many of my own. Now here's the thing. Usually when I do see this dip, I see it around 5dpo, which is probably too soon for a real implantation dip. In fact, the thought is that perhaps the dip is attributed to an increase in estrogen due to the pregnancy (which has a lowering effect on temperature) or that the progesterone is decreasing and then gets rescued by a pregnancy. Neither of these really explain why it is found on non-pregnancy charts too though. So it begs the question, why do we keep seeing it!?

So I did some digging today and of course come up with many articles telling me just that. Well I already know that, thanks for nothing internet! So I'm left on my own to hypothesis and rationalize why I am having a dip. Should be easy enough in theory... except this dip is different from the others I've had.

For one, like I mentioned, my dip on my chart usually happens earlier. This time it happened at 8/9dpo... exactly when implantation is most likely to occur!!!

For two, it dipped way down to my coverline. Usually what I have called a "dip" in all my other instances, has been on a smaller scale... maybe .2 or .3 F of a drop. This was a .7 drop.

Okay but on the flipside, I woke up earlier than normal this morning (I really had to pee...) so my temp was taken maybe 1/2hr to 1hr earlier than normal. Also, I recently started on Metanx which is a folic acid and B vitamin supplement. It could me messing with things. I also went to acupuncture yesterday. All of these could contribute to changes in temps.

So why... WHY, am I being so crazy and getting my hopes up YET AGAIN!? Cray cray. I am literally turning into a crazy person.

On other news, Homme InFertile and I are being filmed and put forward for a new docu-series for a major network. Basically it's following couples' pregnancy stories... For us, it would have a special little forward portion of us going through infertility treatments. I think it would be so special and important to share this experience with the general public so they really understand what we women go through. It's shocking to hear how little people know about the invasiveness of it all ;)

So we start that filming Monday... eek. Homme InFertile is very nervous. I on the other hand am perfectly comfortable in front of the camera having acted since a young age (I had a casting director mother). We'll see how that goes. I could be super hormonal with pms... or maybe... just MAYBE I'll get to cancel it due to a BFP!!!! Who knows!!! Wishful thinking... and yes, well aware how stupid I'm being...ugh.

Last 2 WW before IVF

Well t-minus about a week until we get underway with what I expect to be my last fresh IVF cycle. The nerves are full force, my emotions are all over the place, and prayers are high. I'm in the 2ww of my last natural cycle before we begin, and I find myself talking to the heavens... my belly... myself, wishing, hoping, praying, bargaining for some miracle so I don't have to go through all the injections and emotional turmoil of IVF again. Wouldn't that be nice!?

I follow my fertility clinic's page on Facebook, and perhaps the universe was answering me in a way... Nurse Linda did a video chat about the dreaded 2ww and embryo transfers etc. It was just what I needed to hear really. I highly suggest giving it a watch:

It calmed me ever so slightly. No way around it. The 2 week wait continues to suck... month after month and year after year. In an ideal world I'd know better, or better yet, have a crystal ball to tell me the outcome so I could just move on with my days, but that's far from the case.

Who knows... maybe I WILL get a positive. Maybe I WILL be that miracle story you hear. Weirder things have happened I suppose. I got my hopes up last month though, and I know it's just me trying to find an out from having to go through this whole song and dance again, avoiding the fear and pain that goes along with it. One more week... that's all I have to hold on to for now. Or, well, at least until the BIG 2ww after our embryo transfer next month.

So in other news, Homme InFertile and I have been selected for a Docu-Series that follows women throughout their pregnancy. There will be multiple various stories, but the idea is that we'd be the "infertility" story. I was really excited about the opportunity to share our story and break down some of the stigmas associated with infertility. We have a production call on Wednesday, and they're in talks with our clinic getting filming rights (which I anticipate will be difficult given the sensitivity of other patients etc). So I'm not sure how it will all pan out, but that's that! I'll keep you posted as things progress... I was totally upfront too that Homme InFertile lost his job and we don't know if we'll be staying in NY, and they still want to go ahead so looks good in that respect at least.

In the meantime a woman popped into our little online forum community at the bump and shared a promo teaser for a webseries she wrote/created and we had a good chuckle. Check it out! I found great comfort in laughing in the face of it all. I know it's certainly something we can all relate to, even if our responses aren't so candid in real life ;)

In terms of Homme InFertile... still no job. We have health coverage until the end of May, so can go through our full cycle... less sure about a frozen cycle directly following though if it were needed... shucks. In terms of where we'll go from here? Our first pick would be Victoria/Vancouver, which is where we grew up. Second pick is London as I can get an ancestry visa and we can both work. Could be another fun adventure. New York is looking less and less likely by the day. Who knows though!


Oh and almost forgot. I got my recombine genetic results back and am not a carrier for any of the 311 diseases screened for.. YAY! However, I am unfortunately unable to process/form folate and need to increase my folic acid intake substantially as I am a high high risk of a child with a neural tube defect. :( Not great news, but we'll forge on!

That's all for now. Tootaloo! ;)

Symptoms Shmymptoms

So as you probably saw in my last very brief post, my husband lost his job.
Our lives quickly got turned upside down from planning on starting IVF, to ensuring basic survival. After all, our lease was up for renewal (current lease is done Feb 28 and the signed paperwork is still sitting on our counter) and we didn't even know if we were going to be staying in New York!!! Still really don't I guess...

I promptly started applying for jobs. Of course, I can't work in the states unless I'm sponsored by a company, which is near impossible... so I was applying back in Canada as well as oversees (UK and Australia, both of which have agreements with Canada).

Homme InFertile on the other hand has not been looking for jobs, but people have been contacting him. Man, jealous! ...wouldn't that be nice... So he's got options. I can't go into any details, but many POTENTIAL opportunities here in NY, we'll see if any pan out. But then our question is are they lucrative enough to make sense for the high cost of living without me being able to work, and our plans to raise a family.

So we play a waiting game. He's off at an interview right now. Additional ones this week. And of course AF arrived for me today so I'm wallowing on the couch. Ok, let's stop and talk about THAT for a second. This month I actually believed I was pregnant. Yes. Me! Really! What the heck, I thought I was over and done with this madness of getting my hopes naively up. I'm not sad, there's no tears. I've been at this long enough that I've become immune to the disappointment. I know better. But it still sucks. Basically here's why I believed I was, and why you really don't have a f'ing clue until AF shows, or a test turns positive (and I refused to test until AF was at least 4 days to a week late, and we were only 1-2 days late yesterday).

Okay so breakdown of NON-pregnancy symptoms that had me convinced by rough DPO:

0 DPO - timing etc was all perfect.
5/6 DPO - weird spotting, like little light pink fleshy discharge. In 5 years of TTC never once have I had this. (I now attribute it maybe to the recent biopsy but still have no real clue).
6-8 DPO - cold, woke up every morning really stuffy, immune system just felt down
8-10 DPO - nausea in spells, but at same time really hungry (I do get this sometimes before AF)
10-13 DPO - very mild cramping, but different, like in ovaries, and pulling, and then not very bloated, and not much of a breakout... more lack of symptoms here had me confused.
12 DPO - napped in afternoon. Exhausted. Very very thirsty. Like drinking so so much water. Never had this issue before. This continued on into AF. Could be due to new pills?
13 DPO - napped mid-day. Exhausted. Darker/larger areolas with little bumps- weird !!? never noticed, but now curious if I always get this before AF. I'm going to start watching.... Could be stress related, or due to me having played volleyball for 4 hours straight yesterday, or all the new vitamins and acupuncture. Still never noticed this before so it was odd!!! LP for me is usually 12 days on the dot. I think FF miscalculated my O, but still after adjusting that makes a 13 LP this month (or 14 if no adjustment). I attribute this change to starting accupuncture again maybe.
spotting (I get this every month so not a sign but wanted to include)

So I've not a huge symptom spotter but the big things that were so different and noticed were:
1) weird discharge I thought was IB/IS at 5DPO
2) non-symptoms -ie. no breakout, no normal cramps, no bloat
3) darker/larger areolas
4) longer LP (even by a day was odd)
5) extreme thirst

So I'm now going to continue to watch and see if maybe acupuncture is to thank for a longer LP and lesser symptoms. FX that I can hope for this kind of cycle every cycle to be honest. Maybe LP will even stretch to 14... that'd be good!

This is as a warning to not count your chickens before they hatch. Even as a TTC veteran I was tricked by my body. I forgot that when you start doing things differently, and you're already so in tune with your body, you're bound to notice even some subtle differences and hope the changes you made mean a BFP.

So onwards and upwards I suppose. Since hubs numbers came back so good, and since I'm doing acupuncture and on my diet, I all of a sudden believe it's possible (although perhaps less likely) to get a bfp naturally. I'm planning on ordering pre-seed so we can continue to try until we figure out insurance and our plans to continue with IVF. The logical part of me knows we should sort our life out first, but the infertile me knows that you cannot time or plan these things, and it'll happen when it happens ready or not. So I'm not stopping just because of a bump in the road.

Forge onwards!

Testing Phase

So the testing has begun. I went in on Monday for my first check-up at RE to be monitored for ovulation. Once I ovulate, we schedule the biopsy for 10 DPO (days past ovulation). I've been stressing because I really wanted my husband to take me as they're putting me under in order to do the biopsy, SHG and trial transfer all at the same time, just to make things easier. Unfortunately he'll be away for a week starting next Saturday, and so timing is super unfortunate in that my 10dpo looks like it falls right during that week. Of course it does.

DAY 1

Anyways, I went on Monday to start being tracked. I'm going to be sharing images of the whole experience from start (of testing) through stimming, through transfer and beta. Below is the view from sitting in my stirrups. Quite glamorous.

THE VIEW

THE VAGINAL ULTRASOUND SCREEN

TIME FOR BLOODWORK 

MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME haha

While at my first appointment, the doc actually thought I might be ready to ovulate on Wednesday and that he'd trigger me to ensure ovulation happens and that we know exactly when.

DAY 2

Well I go back Wednesday and no such luck... eggie just taking her sweet time growing. Brutal. Had I ovulated Wednesday, there was a chance the biopsy would get scheduled for next Friday the 15th (the day before my husband leaves). So doc says based on egg size, I needed to go back tomorrow (Friday) to get re-checked. Well this a.m. I had a temp spike which could indicate ovulation. The thing is, my body likes to psych me out, and I often have little random rises that don't actual signify ovulation. So who knows... and based on my egg size its unlikely, but it would be such an awesome miracle if that had of happened on its own and all works out.

If I have to go to the biopsy on my own, I know I can handle it. I'm a pretty tough cookie. I'm just a bit nervous about having any kind of adverse reaction to the meds that put me to sleep. I'd love if I had a network of support here during times like that, but we're newer to the city and although I have numerous friends (and I'm sure they'd be happy to check in on me), I just really don't know them well enough to have them see me at my sickest time. Plus, many of them don't know about our situation just yet. You don't exactly meet people for the first time and share that.. well sometimes I do, I'm quite open... but the depth of it and my sadness about it? no.

So anyways, I'm in a bit of limbo at the moment trying to figure out the date for this biopsy but I'm hopeful to have a definitive answer or plan tomorrow morning. I also called today and made an appointment for our immune testing, and that's now scheduled for the 15th. Yay! We'll see what our killer attack and sperm antibodies situation is like. Give us a sense if we need intralipids for sure or not.

It's looking like the absolute earliest we might be able to start our next cycle would be end of January which would be so incredibly exciting. I'm just not sure how quickly they get results back for all this stuff. If we don't have all our answers by then it'll be mid/late Feb which is totally fine... just a month away'ish.

Just so excited to get going on this journey again. Anxious to start stimming!!!! Gimme dem needles! haha!

xx