Last 2 WW before IVF

Well t-minus about a week until we get underway with what I expect to be my last fresh IVF cycle. The nerves are full force, my emotions are all over the place, and prayers are high. I'm in the 2ww of my last natural cycle before we begin, and I find myself talking to the heavens... my belly... myself, wishing, hoping, praying, bargaining for some miracle so I don't have to go through all the injections and emotional turmoil of IVF again. Wouldn't that be nice!?

I follow my fertility clinic's page on Facebook, and perhaps the universe was answering me in a way... Nurse Linda did a video chat about the dreaded 2ww and embryo transfers etc. It was just what I needed to hear really. I highly suggest giving it a watch:

It calmed me ever so slightly. No way around it. The 2 week wait continues to suck... month after month and year after year. In an ideal world I'd know better, or better yet, have a crystal ball to tell me the outcome so I could just move on with my days, but that's far from the case.

Who knows... maybe I WILL get a positive. Maybe I WILL be that miracle story you hear. Weirder things have happened I suppose. I got my hopes up last month though, and I know it's just me trying to find an out from having to go through this whole song and dance again, avoiding the fear and pain that goes along with it. One more week... that's all I have to hold on to for now. Or, well, at least until the BIG 2ww after our embryo transfer next month.

So in other news, Homme InFertile and I have been selected for a Docu-Series that follows women throughout their pregnancy. There will be multiple various stories, but the idea is that we'd be the "infertility" story. I was really excited about the opportunity to share our story and break down some of the stigmas associated with infertility. We have a production call on Wednesday, and they're in talks with our clinic getting filming rights (which I anticipate will be difficult given the sensitivity of other patients etc). So I'm not sure how it will all pan out, but that's that! I'll keep you posted as things progress... I was totally upfront too that Homme InFertile lost his job and we don't know if we'll be staying in NY, and they still want to go ahead so looks good in that respect at least.

In the meantime a woman popped into our little online forum community at the bump and shared a promo teaser for a webseries she wrote/created and we had a good chuckle. Check it out! I found great comfort in laughing in the face of it all. I know it's certainly something we can all relate to, even if our responses aren't so candid in real life ;)

In terms of Homme InFertile... still no job. We have health coverage until the end of May, so can go through our full cycle... less sure about a frozen cycle directly following though if it were needed... shucks. In terms of where we'll go from here? Our first pick would be Victoria/Vancouver, which is where we grew up. Second pick is London as I can get an ancestry visa and we can both work. Could be another fun adventure. New York is looking less and less likely by the day. Who knows though!


Oh and almost forgot. I got my recombine genetic results back and am not a carrier for any of the 311 diseases screened for.. YAY! However, I am unfortunately unable to process/form folate and need to increase my folic acid intake substantially as I am a high high risk of a child with a neural tube defect. :( Not great news, but we'll forge on!

That's all for now. Tootaloo! ;)

Cold & Flu Season

Ugh. WHyyyy!? All of a sudden temperatures in New York took a nose dive and it's frackin' freezing out. Don't let the beautiful sun and blue skies deceive you...

Anyway. I don't solely place blame on the weather. In reality, I know the reason why I'm down with a bad cold at the moment is due to being overworked during New York Fashion Week. Luckily for me, the three shows I was working on are done, and I can now rest up. I went to acupuncture on Friday hoping she could boost my immune system, but I think at this point my body needed to flush it out and regenerate after. In fact, the two points she did on my chest to help, one of them bruised, and the other spot a bump popped up (kind of like a little allergic reaction type bump). That tells me those points were definitely weaker than normal. So I'm trying to not be too pouty about the fact that I have a leaky faucet for a nose, and just trust that my body knows what it needs to do and rest and get lots of liquids.

Homme Infertile is doing a nice job of taking care of me even though he's been super stressed about his follow up appointment this afternoon. On that note... all good! Yay. My gut, intuition, whatever you wanna call it, had me feeling like he'd be fine, but I'm still glad to have it confirmed! Obviously we already know he has varicocele, but his sperm analysis and culture came back with fantastic results. In fact his morphology went up!!! How amazing is that!? So this appointment honestly could not have gone remotely better. Gives us a nice little positivity boost going into our cycle for sure!

Then, we went for bloodwork. They took 10, I repeat a whopping 10 vials of blood from me!!!
No lie. Here's proof!!! 

That whole basket of vials I had to fill. Needless to say I was a little lightheaded afterwards.

So now we wait on those results, but we're pretty certain that they will all be fine and dandy.
The other thing I have to do is a pap smear. Really? We couldn't have just gotten that over and done with during my uterine biopsy!? Seems completely redundant and frustrating to me, but such is life.
So I'll plan to get that done this week and then we can get a move on. Likely cycling in March. 

Bad things come in 3s...

Wow... well the last 48 hours have been a little emotional to say the least. 3... I repeat, 3 friends had their babies. 3! In 48 hours. Well, that's not accurate. 3 friends ANNOUNCED their babies' arrivals in the last 48 hrs. Same difference to me though.

That's hard. I knew it was coming. I knew late January to early February was going to be full of new babies... and it sure was. Some of the others weren't as painful, since they weren't as close of friends, but these ones hurt. Maybe because 2 of them are those people's 2nd child, and they tried conceiving their first around the same time we started trying or after even. So it stings. To think we could have a 4 year old running around, and a second newborn....ugh. Could is misleading, because I can't, clearly.

This isn't meant to be a woah is me post, but I sure do feel a little bit that way today. It's hard. I'm emotional.

Not helping is the fact that I still don't have results from the lab for my biopsy. I try and convince myself that no results are good... that if something really bad came up, they'd have contacted me much faster. But the truth is you never know. Maybe they're double checking their findings before telling me I have cancer. Maybe something came up abnormal and they had to run additional tests. Who the hell knows!? (if you do, feel free to speak up haha).

My husband and I always say, we are grateful for the life we have led up until this point. As much as my heart aches for a child, I'm happy at the direction we're being taken in, and had we gotten pregnant right away, that wouldn't have been the case. I know that. I believe that in my heart. So it gives me strength. And maybe in 2 more years, I'll look back on this time and feel the same way. But right now? While I'm in it? I certainly don't. I just want to know that all will turn out well. I want to be reassured that I too will have my happily ever after. But if I knew, where would the lessons be learned?

I have to trust. It's just hard today.

Bloodwork cancelled!

Hey all... so my clinic called me as I was on the way to my appointment to have blood work done for immune and NK testing. They didn't realize their lab doesn't do that specific testing on Fridays....

REALLY?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WTF?

These were the emotions and thoughts that rushed through my mind. I've been waiting a while to do this test, and we picked a day and time that was most ideal for my hubby (all appointments are between 9 and 11 am and he works). Had we KNOWN in advance that blood testing for NK and immune wasn't doable on Fridays we obviously would have scheduled another day earlier this week because....
.... he's away for a full week starting tomorrow. This pushes EVERYTHING back. So frustrating. I took a few deep breaths, whoosawwwwd a little (if you don't know what I'm referencing, it's from the movie Bad Boys haha) and then once I calmed myself sent this email to my doc:

Good morning Dr. _____,
My husband and I were supposed to come in today to get blood drawn for immune testing but were called last minute to be advised that it cannot be done on Fridays.
We were somewhat disappointed we were told 30 minutes before our appointment especially since my husband is away all next week. Had we known in advance, we could have done this another day earlier this week. Disappointing as this is, mistakes happen and we just want to put together a plan to move forward and I'm trying to decide whether at this point we should bother.. so a few questions would help us if you don't mind...
I noticed in some of my research that sometimes NK activity can be recognized in the uterine biopsy. Is this true?
Is there a difference between localized NK activity in the uterus versus the bloodstream?
What information would we be gaining from this testing that would alter our protocol other than possibly a steroid like prednisone or intralipids? ie. what information from Eric's or my test results would contribute to a change in approach?
In your professional opinion do you feel as though this immune testing is of high importance to our treatment? or will it depend on what results come of our biopsy/shg?
On a separate note:
What is the cost for PGS? We are considering the possibility of doing it if we have a high embryo yield.
Is PGS something we need to decide on prior to beginning our cycle, or is it something that can be flexibly added/removed as we progress?
Thank you, as usual, for your time and expertise! :)

Now hopefully I came across as a calm, sane person (inside I didn't feel that way haha). I'm a little hot headed sometimes and out of principle hate when people are stupid. I felt like this was one such instance, but not sure who the stupid individual was... haha whooosawwwwww ... let it go. poof. gone.

I did NOT mention the funny thing. What's the funny thing you ask? Well the funny thing is that all morning I had been questioning whether this was a road I really wanted to go down. Do I believe in Intralipids? Do I think its the answer to our infertility woes? The fertility industry is very torn on the topic, more heavily weighted against it with articles explaining elevated NK could be related to stresses from the blood sample drawing, to the fact that elevated NK are existent in perfectly fertile couples, to little to no evidence or correlation to therapies used and positive outcomes. I mean its all over the place. Do I want to be successful? Yes. Do I want to sit and get multiple IVs and pay out of pocket for it if I don't need it? No. Do I want to pay $500 out of pocket just to have the test when I don't know if I even want the therapy or believe in the validity of it? BLehhahghhh... I dunno!?!!? NO?

Why is there so much for an infertile to decide about!?

So moving forward, Monday I still have my biopsy/SHG/trial transfer, and part of me believes that's what I need. Honestly... part of me thinks my uterus just needs a good scratch, clean out, and ripe new start. I dunno. I feel so confused right now.


*****
update:

Doc got back to me. I think we'll forego testing and if the therapies are covered just go ahead and do them. We're only doing 2 more transfers tops at this point, so might as well go all in and give ourselves the best chance possible.
I also read this blog post of another gal, and it encouraged me to just give it a go. Never know.

Things you learn being an infertile...

So I came across a post today "10 Things I never knew before experiencing Infertility". You can see the original post here:

Anyways... It got me thinking about what I've learned since starting this journey. So here's my list:

1) My husband is my rock
He is experiencing the same pain as me, and no one knows my struggle better than him. Something can happen or be said, and without words, he'll look at me, and I know he understands. This support is crucial to my sanity.

2) Life is NOT a movie! Or a TV show! Or anyone else's life for that matter....
A lot of movies and TV shows have accidentally pregnancies with happily ever afters! And often the story lines are insanely unrealistic and idealistic. This is not only painful to watch, but a total piss-off in general when we see/hear enough of this in real life already.  Life is not a movie people! We are all on our own journeys, and we all have our own stories to tell. Everyone struggles, but maybe in different ways and at different times. You, me, we... we're not alone!

3) It is possible to be simultaneously happy and insanely jealous at the same time
No joke... I always thought it was one or the other. Truth be told... I can physically cry happy-sad tears. So weird.

4) My moods are so much more linked to my reproductive cycle than I'd like to admit.
Okay, so we all know we get cranky at "that time", but did you know that you also feel "sexy" at one time, and more "attractive" at said time, and somewhat more "hungry" at this time. There are a LOT of "times" in a cycle... and become pretty predictable when you chart for years.

5) Hope is cruel and yet a complete and utter necessity.
If I didn't have hope, I wouldn't break down like I do. But if I didn't have hope, I'd also have given up a long long time ago. Hope is what keeps me going, moving towards my goal. But it is also what crushes me time and time again.

6) When you stop and focus on yourself, you learn so much about who you are as a person
I always knew I wanted to be a mother... this was a goal of mine since I was 16. I knew I was meant to be a parent, and wanted to do it young. But there is so much more to me, and I let that slip away little by little. Re-focusing on myself allowed me to rediscover just how awesome I am. Take my word for it... I'm awesome. And so are you!

7) You have to love yourself before someone there is space for others to love you.
Okay so this is a big one... For starters this is linked to #6 above... that's step one. But the more you learn about yourself, the more you need to accept, honor and love yourself. I believe had I been successful right out of the gate, I would never have had such a fulfilling and happy life. Taking this time to know and love ME, has made me realize that I want that for my child always and forever. I never want them feeling like they NEED something or someone to MAKE them happy. This goes for love, a job, and one day, for them too, children. Do I believe having a child will bring so much joy and fulfillment to my life, ABSOLUTELY! But that alone is not enough. I need to share my joys and passions with them when they do make their way into this world, and I need to model self-love... so I need to develop that in myself first!!!

8) Being vulnerable does NOT mean being weak. 
For me, it means being honest and open to support. Without my support network, I would not survive. Opening up, and admitting when I'm feeling hurt or sad, has allowed a level of respect and empathy from those around me I never expected. 

9) Once you reach one goal, a new one feels out of reach. 
So this has only recently popped up for me. For some random reason, I have this deep rooted feeling that very soon I will be a mother. I have no founded reason for this. It's just an intuition and I could be embarrassingly wrong. BUT, my point is, that now that I believe I can get pregnant, I'm worrying about pregnancy and the child I will bear. What if something goes wrong? What if my child has a disability. There is ALWAYS something to worry about. so......

10) Life isn't lived, but if lived in the moment.
Further to the above, I've learned that above all else, looking and reaching forward stops me from living in the moment, being present, and having gratitude for all that I do have and cherish. Yes I want a child, and I will never stop working towards that goal. But I chose to live for today, and make the most of it while I'm here. 

bonus #11 - If I would want it for my child, I need to want it for myself. Practice what you preach!

xo