YouTube Vlog

Hey guys, so as some of you know, I've been vlogging on my YouTube Channel so others can follow along with the journey. I still plan to write here now and then, but in terms of updates and what is happening on day to day, that's the best place to find me. It became a bit too much to do it all super consistently, but I do what I can. You can also find me on Instagram @liv4todayvlog !

Here are my three most recent videos:

100th Post - Grateful for Infertility... Hear me out...

Wow... 100 posts. When I think about that number... and think about the span of time it covers, I feel slightly saddened. I had hoped by now I'd have welcomed a beautiful little baby of my own into this world. Or perhaps at least was expecting one soon! But here, 100 posts later, I'm not much further from where I started.

Infertility is an interesting beast. And I think "beast" is an appropriate word to describe it. It's scary, it's enormous, it's powerful in its own right, and it sure as heck is unpleasant. Odd thing is, I felt doomed to experience this path long before we started trying. I can't explain that adequately to those who've never had an overwhelming gut instinct or premonition about something. But I did, and it knocked me to the ground that day. Nonetheless, I could never have imagined how consuming it would really be. How crippling, how isolating, how devastating, and how utterly frustrating the experience would feel. I also never could have imagined how much I'd learn and grow in the process.

See today is U.S. thanksgiving, and in tradition I pause to reflect on what I'm most thankful for. This is one of the first years I can place infertility and grateful in the same sentence, because in a strange way, I AM grateful for my infertility. I am, and I mean that so truthfully. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy, and I sure as heck would like to come out the other side now, but what I have gained in the process I'd never want to take back.

I'm Grateful for Better Health
Since I can remember I've struggled with my health. I was chronically fatigued, major food sensitivities that came with bloating and constipation... I had insanely painful spells where I'd be on the bathroom floor sobbing dripping in sweat trying not to vomit from abdominal cramps. Normal painkillers wouldn't help... narcotics only slightly. I'd leave social engagements and be accused of being a hypochondriac or drama queen. Sadly, I was actually chronically ill, and it sucked. Only in my university years when I became sexual active and subsequently found that intercourse was painful for me, did a diagnosis of endometriosis get tossed around. Without an openness or willingness to have diagnostic surgery, I ignored it... hoped they were wrong, that it would simply go away or magically get better on it's on. When we started trying for a family and discovered it wasn't going to be easy for us, I finally opted to make the necessary lifestyle changes to up our odds. I sought out acupuncture, naturopathy, food intolerance testing, and made substantial changes to diet. Years into our fertility journey, during a routine biopsy cells indicative of endometriosis were found, and our suspicions officially confirmed. That was the moment I started taking it even more seriously. I followed up with allergy testing (spoiler alert - I'm allergic to everything), and started making my health a priority. Now, I'm more vibrant than I ever remember being. I have more energy, I have a better appetite and all around just feel MUCH healthier. I can't say I'd be here if it weren't for this journey.

I'm Grateful for Perspective & Empathy
Ignorance is bliss isn't it? When you aren't subjected to certain experiences in your time on earth, you have the privilege of turning a blind eye. You don't have to imagine what it would be like. You probably couldn't do justice in your imagination if you tried in most instances. Cancer? PTSD? Infertility? It may be surprising, or sound unjustified to put those three together, but many experienced psychologists have drawn comparisons between them. They break you down into little pieces, and its up to you to decide to fight through it or not.... whether or when and how you will try to put those pieces back together again. And trying doesn't always lead to success. Sometimes it's outside our control... outside our capabilities. Having gone through infertility, having experienced it personally, and deeply, I've gained a tremendous amount of perspective. All those questions I used to see as perfectly acceptable, no longer made sense to me. Flaunting my successes or happinesses on social media, not so satisfying knowing it could cause others pain. It doesn't just apply to infertility. I won't ask people the age old questions like "so when are you popping the question/getting married?" for how am I to know if marriage is something they even believe in, or want? "When are you going to start having kids!?" An infertile staple I've become so sensitive to from the personal experience of being there in that moment, at a party surrounded by people I don't know, trying to choke back the flood of tears boiling beneath the surface. I know how it feels to have to excuse myself early because I feel so embarrassed, so uncomfortable, so much a failure in society's eyes. In my own eyes. Instead, I choose to carry myself through those interactions and life with compassion, and without assumption.

Research has shown that women with infertility have the same levels of anxiety and depression as do women with cancer, heart disease and HIV+ status. While this may surprise some, it actually makes sense. Procreation is the strongest instinct in the animal kingdom. You are facing genetic and social pressure to have a baby. You are likely surrounded by friends, family, neighbors, co-workers and a society who conceive easily. Infertility can be very lonely.

- Resolve: Coping with the Stress of Infertility 

I could probably list others.... grateful for my relationship's truest test... and passing with flying colors! I am grateful for the community I've found in women going through infertility and the relationships forged in the trenches. I am grateful for my spiritual journey through which I've also learned that these lessons and this idea of gratitude extend beyond the boundaries of infertility. My mind and heart are so much more open than they used to be. If I could go back and magically change my journey would I? I'm not so sure anymore, because I wouldn't be where I am today, wouldn't be who I am today... and I happen to like the me I am.

To all of you out there still struggling with accepting your journey, still working through the pain, the depression, the sadness. Let yourself grieve. Love yourself. Take breaks. Remember you are MORE than your infertility. But above all, learn to be grateful. Learn to find gratitude in your life wherever you can find it. And maybe, just maybe, you'll be blessed with some positive shifts as a result.

Blessings to you all. And good luck ;) I know we could all use a little extra of that too!
Much love.
Liv

IVF a US vs. Canada Comparison

Undergoing IVF is no easy task. It is not only financially draining, but mentally/emotionally and perhaps most noticeably, physically as well. Each doctor, each clinic, is going to do things a little differently. Their processes will differ, so will their protocols... but overall IVF is IVF. Broadly looked at, we go through very similar experiences: injections, ultrasounds, egg collection etc. But when we narrow in, you'll often find each individual's journey is vastly different from the next. And I'm not only referring to how much medication is administered, how many days of injections there are, how many eggs are produced, or what fertilization rates were, but rather the process itself.

Having been born and raised in Canada, I was afforded the comforts of public healthcare. I never knew or understood what all the fuss was about in the US. I would hear grumblings over lack of insurance, or grumblings over Obamacare, but I never really had a grasp of what it all meant. I was privileged to not have to find out. I had my coverage, and that's all that mattered to me. When I discovered I was dealing with infertility, a little question in my head lingered... "Why would Americans complain when even IVF is covered there!?" Well not for everyone... and not everything. Let's compare.

When we underwent our first cycle of IVF back in Canada, we had been waiting for ages it felt like. Once referred, we had a long wait with no information. Our names were submitted and we were to wait for the call. Months went by before we finally did receive that call, only to book an appointment months out from there. It was a long arduous wait to even BEGIN the process. But once we were there we felt well cared for. We loved our doctor, he gave it to us straight, and we made the decision to go straight to IVF which he allowed us to do.

Because IVF is not covered under public health in Canada, IVF would be out of pocket. So signed the crazy amounts of paperwork, paid our deposit (I can't recall the dollar value, but as you can imagine, not cheap), and we officially were beginning our cycle. We had an in person appointment with the nurse to go over injections, how they're to be administered etc. and on our way out of the clinic we were to stop by the pharmacy window located in the office and were handed our bag of medications. It was in a purple plastic bag, all well organized with everything we would need for the entire cycle. We were fortunate to have good insurance coverage that allowed for basically all of our meds to be covered, but that was it. The price tag of monitoring, egg retrieval, ICSI and transfer were all bundled up into our out of pocket expense for IVF.

Each appointment we had a different doctor, as about 6 or more doctors rotate in that clinic... perhaps due to it being public health, I don't know. And it was the only clinic in our province!!! So we literally had no other options. I didn't see my own doctor once between stimming and transfer so when we went for our follow up "wtf" appointment, he was a bit surprised to hear we weren't successful given our age and "unexplained" diagnosis. When I told him the transfer was difficult, he was also surprised given it wasn't noted in my file. Hmm...

The second round wasn't much different, except we lucked out and ended up having him perform our transfer. It went much smoother and he gave us hope touting that perhaps our lack of success previously could have been attributed to trauma to the embryos. Our second "wtf" appointment didn't offer any new considerations, and when I asked about a lot of new techniques, tests and otherwise, I was told studies weren't yet conclusive so they won't try them. And in regards to testing, well even if it did show something was wrong, they didn't have means to treat any of it because the treatments were not yet proven. I felt like I was going in circles, and so we took a long break.

When we moved to the states for my husbands work, we were excited to give it another shot. I had been in many forums with these women trying all sorts of different techniques and treatments and was hopeful that intralipids were my winning ticket. (spoiler alert: they weren't). This time we had the luxury of actually choosing a clinic to work with. We did a lot... and I mean a LOT of research, and I eventually stumbled upon SIRM. We chose the clinic specifically due to their stance on immune related factors, something that in my gut I attributed our failures to, and set up a consultation. I could have gotten in within a week or so with one doctor, but I chose to wait and work with the clinic director, someone who I trusted based on women's experiences with him. But even the added wait was only a few weeks long, a far cry from the months to get into the clinic in Canada.

So we had our consultation and it was refreshing to hear him take all my concerns seriously and offer the various tests and subsequent treatments. Unfortunately, many of these tests would NOT be covered by insurance. So in the end we couldn't afford all the testing we wanted to have if we were going to be able to afford IVF. We had to learn quickly about co-pays and out of pocket caps and ignoring "bills" that were not bills, but could be bills... Our heads were spinning. Had I not already undergone IVF and understood the ins and outs of the actual process, it would have nearly made me collapse to the floor in sheer overwhelm combined with the complexities of insurance. In the end, portions of our treatment were covered, but even to this day it's not clear exactly how much we spent out of pocket. We still are disputing bills that should have been covered by insurance. And on top of that, a lot of medication wasn't covered.

The process itself was also different. Each and every time I went in I was seeing the same nurse, my doctor, and oftentimes the same receptionist and blood draw nurse. It had a real sense of care, and they remembered me, and I them, and I felt an investment in my care. On top of it, my doctor makes himself accessible via email anytime... which is a daunting task when you have numerous patients. I try my best to not over utilize this, respecting boundaries, but it's nice to know if something comes up In Canada I'd often have to wait for a call back, or for next appointment or whatever, to get my questions answered... and usually from a nurse. This felt like a luxury and was so much appreciated.

But when it came to getting meds, I was having them sent in the mail... something totally foreign to me. I stressed about the medications that were needing to be refrigerated, and how well they'd be packaged. Turns out, they've done this a time or two before ;) they know what they're doing. But I definitely had to do a lot of coordinating and playing middle man between provider, pharmacy and insurance. It was stressful, and confusing, a far cry from my little purple "gift bag" carried out with me back in Canada.

I'm now undergoing my next FET again here in the states. This time I further complicated things by moving states and having to do remote monitoring. Because you're not their patient, they don't seem as invested and take their sweet time getting results sent to your actual clinic. And then you have to play middle man also between the clinics ensuring one sends and the other receives. On top of it, prescriptions are further complicated when they won't ship from state A to state B. Intralipids!? Forget about it... can't be prescribed by an out of state doctor. The hoops I'm having to jump through this time are absolutely shockingly ridiculous. I'm not sure how it would have worked as an out of province in Canada, though I'm sure there'd be hoops there too. I would have happily just lived in NY for 2 months, but as you can understand, that's not exactly a cost-effective option.

Anyways, my point is, there are always pros and cons to each system. Decide for yourself what's most important to you to make your call. Anything I missed?

CANADA PROS
- pharmacy on site
- clear instructions and overall helpfulness
- ease of insurance (no playing middle man)
- clear costs
- nice facility

CANADA CONS
- long wait time
- only one clinic
- rarely see own doctor
- no email communication access
- out of pocket IVF (no coverage available)*
- coverage for meds dependent on your insurance plan
- refusal to try experimental testing/treatments

USA PROS
- short wait times
- choice of clinics
- see own doctor each time (generally speaking)
- email accessibility
- IVF coverage available (dependent on insurance)
- openness to new (perhaps experimental) tactics, testing and treatments

USA CONS
- IVF and Medication coverage entirely dependent on insurance (no equality in treatment)
- unclear out of pocket expenses
- dealing with confusing insurance providers and pharmacies
- bills
- US attitude (this is a thing... service providers by my experience have been quite a bit friendlier in Canada)
- having to be a much more active advocate in your care/service
- price gauging on medications

* my understanding is that certain provinces are starting (and some already have) to offer coverage for limited cycles. 

Un'Supported

It's not a new topic, but one that we (Homme InFertile and myself) continue to revisit. Support. It was what my blog post during Infertility Awareness Week was about. (Ps. if you haven't voted and are enjoying my blog, I'd love your "support" ;) vote here). But support is something I'm realizing not only ebbs and flows, but is and always will be something we have to ask for, seek out, muster within ourselves, and accept the lack of. 

Support shouldn't be hard to come by, but for infertiles it often is. Perhaps because the topic of infertility is so taboo. Perhaps because the topic is so sensitive. Perhaps because the majority of people don't (and/or can't) really understand. Perhaps because many of the people in our lives aren't capable of giving the kind of support we need. Regardless of why... it sucks. And it hurts.

See being infertile means a lot of things. Your identity is thrown to the wolves, and you either let them gobble it up, or you fight to retain as much of it as you can. But no matter what, you lose a little bit of yourself along the way. You might be hardened by the fight, you might be broken and lost. Each journey is unique... and ever evolving. For me, I am constantly fighting to regain a part of myself. But what I've been learning is I have been changed. I can no more easily become the person I was before, than a soldier forget the war. I have never served in the war, and I cannot imagine what it is like. However, comparisons to the mental-emotional damage have been drawn by experts and I am not surprised. I feel like I'm fighting a war. Each failed cycle a battle lost. But the war forges on without an end in sight.

But I have my husband, and I remind myself how lucky I am to have him, how lucky we are to have such a solid supportive marriage. Some days we're enough for each other. Other days we're both down and broken and we need someone else to pick us up together. It takes a lot of strength to pick someone up when we too are broken, but that's what our marriage has become. I put my own pain, sorrow, misery on the shelf for a moment, and hold him in my arms and tell him it'll be okay. I tell him I love him, and support him. In that moment, no one is supporting me. Another day, and he does the same for me. It's survival. But it's not easy.

When you have been on the infertility journey as long as we have (5+ years) you notice that people you open up to and share your vulnerability with choose one of three paths.

1) Stop asking.
These are the people who don't know how to handle it. Our situation makes them uncomfortable. They don't know what to say, nor do they know how to ask what to say, so they just stop altogether. Maybe they themselves have gotten their happily ever after and life has become busy and overwhelming for them. They're not capable of supporting, so they don't extend the olive branch. Or maybe they harbour guilt, so they avoid the source. Maybe they themselves are also going through some sort of emotional life crisis. No matter the rationale, in my humble opinion, none of these are a valid excuse. If you love someone, "Stop Asking" is not an option. You're only further isolating those individuals and making them feel more alone, and unsupported. I don't stop being a part of my friends lives because I'm struggling. I still call up and offer support to any of my loved ones when they need it. I might not always be the best support, but I'm there, and they know I care even in moments I can't fully show it.

2) Ask. Provide support.
These are the people who may have experienced infertility themselves. Or they have had close friends or family members go through it. Or they are just damn good people who can put their own sadness/pain on hold and provide support to another person in need. These people are the ones who ask what they can do, even when they have no clue how to handle it. These are the people who check in, and call you just so you know you still have friends and family members who care. These are the warriors of our lives. Thanks to these people, we feel less alone, and know there is support when we need it.

3) Try and help.
These are the people who feel helpless and powerless watching infertiles struggle. They try and offer well-intentioned advice in an effort to fix our problems for us.  Having to tell them we've tried that, or that's not relevant to our journey, or why that's not a valid option for us, only creates more stress. In reality, the only way to really help someone struggling with Infertility is to become an "Ask. Provide Support" person. It's not your job to fix us. That's our job, and our doctors and specialists.

Anyways. I'm saying all this because we as infertiles need to learn to ask for the type of support we need. It's not always easy telling someone that the way they are handling your interactions is unhelpful or causing more harm than good. But it IS necessary. If those people can't handle or respect your needs/wishes... then maybe it's time re-assess that friendship. That being said, remember that your struggle is no more or less than anyone else's. Wanting people there for you, means being able to step outside of your own struggles and be there for others when they need you too... especially if this hardship sticks around for you as long as it has for us.


Finally, an end note. I often write poems to express the way I feel. So a new one below about the identity struggle of infertiles:

I

Me. I. A dissolving persona.
Masks of truth.
Masks of youth.
Me. I. A broken fraction.
Full of sadness.
Full of madness.
Me. I. A hopeless dreamer.
Years are passing.
Years amassing.
Me. I. A mother, a father.
Without a child.
Unreconciled. 

Me. 

Vision Board'ing

So my friend and her boyfriend recently made vision boards (also referred to as Dream Boards) and it sounded like so much fun that I figured I'd make one for myself. Of course, I've had the flu so didn't really feel like buying magazines and shuffling through to find accurate pictures and then cutting/pasting etc... although I'm sure fun, just didn't have the energy. Doing it online was a nice easy activity to pass time while at home by myself, sick on the couch. 

Anyways... after a quick search I came across the website Dream It Alive where you can make them online for free. Cool tool. I'm sure I could have done an equally or better job on photoshop, but I liked that it encouraged you to fulfill different categories and write affirmations.

As an infertile, I found it an incredibly great thing to do. Law of Attraction ya'll! I'm sure you can make some educated guess about some of the elements in there ;)

My finished product:

Allergies Abound

So I went in for some allergy testing about a month ago... You'd think after being poked and prodded for years with ultrasound wands, injections and blood draws would make me a tougher cookie, but apparently I'm still a wuss.

I had the back scratch test, and my back blew up.. no really. The doc walks in and just goes, "woah okay ya, that's quite a reaction." When he asked me what I suspected I was allergic to and said everything, I think he didn't believe me... or just thought I was kidding. He slowly learned that living in a bubble may in fact be my best solution.

Unfortunately, because I had such a severe reaction, they worried that the ones I didn't react to with the back scratch test, may still be in fact allergens for me. So I had to go back in a separate day to get under the skin testing. Then a bunch more things added to the list. Oh man.

Finally... I went back again a third day. That's three torturous days in a week. This is when I did the venom test for allergies to bees/wasps etc. They start with a scratch test on the forearm and then progress to under the skin shots slowly upping the does. Honeybees and Yellow Jackets were added to the list. I have an epipen for those because I've had mild anaphylactic reactions in the past. And I seem to get stung a lot. It's like they've got it in for me...


Oh and did I mentioned they discovered I have asthma too!? Fun times. So yesterday I had my first day for injections/shots and we couldn't get through all rounds unfortunately. Basically because I have so much I'll allergic to, I get 4 shots. 1 for trees/grass/weeds etc. 1 for cats/dogs/dust mites etc. 1 for honeybees and 1 for yellow jackets. Well my arm blew up after getting the trees/grass/weeds shot, and then I started getting a rash/hives on my chest so they gave me a prednisone tablet and had me sit there to make sure things didn't progress, which luckily they didn't.

It all begs the question, if I am so allergic to these things that are so prevalent in our environment, and my body is in such an inflammatory, reactive state all the time, how would I ever get pregnant? I'm not looking for an easy quick fix here, but is it possible that my allergies are really what are preventing me from getting pregnant? Hmm..

Interesting further was the prednisone tablet they gave me for my reaction. It was the same dose my doc has talked about using for a future FET cycle. Other ladies have that low of a dose as well, but now I'm wondering if mine needs to be a little higher given the extent and severity of my allergies.

Resolve's Hope Award - Best Blog Nominee

Wow. Just WOW WOW WOW!

So very honoured that this here blog, Femme InFertile, was selected as a nominee from over 200 submissions for Resolve's Hope Award - Best Blog! So cool.

http://www.resolve.org/vote

Listen, infertility is no cake walk, and giving back in a little way to the community by sharing my story so openly is the least I feel I can do. I really would love to do more, but for now, I do what I can, and what I do best is write about it, talk about it, and above all be open about it. So I guess really blogging is just as much for the blogger as it is for the reader, hey? In my case that's true at least.

That being said, I really am truly so very passionate about speaking up on what infertiles deal with each and every moment of each and every day. I love this excerpt from an NBC News article:

"The longer the process drags on, the more uncomfortable they tend to become talking about it to other people. “Even in well-meaning attempts to make you feel better, people say something that makes you feel worse,” says James Grifo, M.D., director of the New York University Fertility Center in New York City. “Isolation is a defense mechanism against overload. It isn’t necessarily a good thing, but it’s what infertility patients do to protect themselves.”

And it's absolutely true. Opening up isn't for everyone. Nor are support groups or counselling/therapy. Each person going through infertility has a unique journey. No two journeys are alike. Trust me, I'm part of many communities and although we draw similarities here and there, there are always different factors at play. So just like those journeys are not the same, the way we cope and deal with it naturally aren't either. And they can evolve along the way too! Nothing is constant in this life.

Listen, I'll be frank, I personally think stewing in your sadness is a horrible idea... especially alone. Made worse only by the fact that those around you are not even granted the opportunity to show compassion and sensitivity towards you. Case in point, the bright eyed young pregnant co-worker next to you complains about the baby kicking...

But I'm also not ignorant to the fact that opening up to those around you brings its own perfect sh!t-storm of fun. You know how it is... there's always a type.

The Uneducated Well-Meaning Advice Giver:
"just relax and it'll happen" - you try to relax when giving yourself daily injections, having massive debt, and dealing with a revolving door of dissapointment. But sure, I'll just relax.

"have you tried accupuncture?" - no actually, I've been living in a bubble and haven't done any research on things to try... 

"You should just adopt" - because we all know having a biologically child that you carry in your own womb and birth into this world is the same experience to adoption. NOT. Can they be equally rewarding experiences? Sure... at least those who have adopted have told me so. But it's still not the same experience, and a person wanting one over the other is valid. 

The Overnight Seer:
"I know you're going to be a mom, trust me, I just know" - oh doooo youuuuuuu? Willing to bet your first born on that statement? Didn't think so.

"It'll happen. You're meant to be a mother." - oh good... because if I wasn't it wouldn't. *head scratch*

The Preachers:
"Maybe this is the universe's way of saying you're just not meant to be a mother." - oh good, because that 16 year old crack addict was higher up on the stork's list, ya that makes sense. 

"God has a plan." - Ya, well f*ck the plan.

Don't get me wrong. I am highly spiritual, and I do actually believe that everything happens for a reason, but not only is this incredibly unhelpful, it is also diminishing. Someone experiencing pain doesn't need to be reminded that this is their fate. They know it, they live it each and every day. Ugh. But as infertiles we have to remind ourselves that as hurtful as those interactions can be, more often than not, the person is well intentioned. They are doing what they think is helpful. Instead of just nodding and sweetly smiling, prepare yourself with some answers. I.e. "Actually, we've tried the whole relax thing, it didn't seem to work in our case, likely because we have actual medical reasons for not conceiving. Also new research has shown that stress has no impact on the ability to get pregnant." Of course, depending on the context, the person and the way you say it, it can always come off "cool", but it can also come off genuine and educational, or maybe you put your own funny spin on it like me. My husband and I like to joke around and we often laugh it off in public which tends to make people extremely uncomfortable. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Long and short of the point is that it took me a long time to get to a place where I felt safe and ready to share my story. I was quite open with people from the get-go compared to most, but the ugly truth side of our journey? Ya... left that for after the 2nd failed IVF. And that's when this blog was born.

So all I want to say to you my readers. I know you. I see you. I get you. I'm here... in the trenches with you. I don't have my happily ever after yet... maybe I will someday soon. Maybe you'll beat me to the finish line like so many others before you. But know that I'm rooting you on. I'm wishing you success on your journey, but I also know that some days its so hard to see any glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Hope is a fickle thing, but we women are born fighters. So month after month, failed treatment after failed treatment, we pick ourselves back up again. Why? Because we know what we want, and we'll do anything we can to get it, and we won't let anyone be ignorant to how f*cking hard it is.

ps. do me a solid and go give my blog a vote if you're enjoying.
http://www.resolve.org/vote

#StartAsking for Support In All Its Forms

Well folks... it's that time once again where National Infertility Awareness Week coincides with my birthday. Yay? Mixed feelings there... I am an infertile so in a way it only seems fitting I guess, but what do I want for my birthday this year? Well I want people to start talking! I've seen 5 birthdays pass whilst Homme InFertile and I have worked towards getting pregnant with no luck. I've grown 5 years older without a child to do the same. And as NIAW rolls around again, I can't help but reflect on this chapter of my life and wonder what it all means? Who have I become in the process? What have I learned?

When I met my husband, Homme InFertile as I so call him here, it was lust at first sight. I say lust because I don't believe you can truly fall in love with a person you've never spoken to... but the attraction and chemistry was instant and undeniable... and in the 10+ years we've been together I have fallen more and more in love with him with each passing day. I am one of the lucky ones in that respect. Unfortunately, we have been less than fortunate in the reproductive department.

We got married young, and started trying for a family very quickly. I had ALWAYS (and I really truly mean that) wanted to be a mother. It was a very tightly woven fabric of my being, and it was undeniable. My maternal clock seemed to click in much earlier than my friends, but I honored it, wanting to finish having kids by the time I was 30 in order to enjoy a long full life with them in it. With tomorrow's passing birthday and me turning 31, we know that is a certainly not happening. We were forced to let go of that dream, and many others along the way.

We let go of the dream to ENJOY the trying to conceive journey.

We let go of the dream to NATURALLY conceive our child.

We let go of our ideal TIMELINES surrounding parenthood.

and slowly... month by month... we started to let go of hope. 

Let it go might as well be our theme song... and I'll admit, I've used it as a pick me up... disney ain't just for children folks!

But hope is a fickle thing. One minute it is lost completely, and then seemingly out of nowhere, a new factor emerges and hope is re-born. A new treatment. A new doctor. A new year. A new city. A new drug. A new protocol. A new diet. A new anything and we begin to believe once more that our story may have a happy ever after, afterall. But that isn't always the case.

We are forced, as infertiles, to watch those around us move forward with their lives while we sit stuck in the mud... or cement as it feels some days. Friends that didn't even have a significant other when we started trying, now have two beautiful children. Our social media feeds are constantly filled with baby-spam and gripes with parenthood, while we long for just a taste of what their world has to offer. We're outsiders with no way in... And it hurts. It hurts because no one is talking about it. And if we do, we make others uncomfortable. So for me... I want to #StartAsking for people to share their struggles, not just their successes. I want to #StartAsking for people to not get uncomfortable when I talk about infertility. I want to #StartAsking for better insurance coverage for infertility, as it is a disease. I want to #StartAsking for people to have empathy and compassion, and put themselves in other peoples shoes... because I would trade anything for your morning sickness... telling me how horrible it is, isn't helping. I want to #StartAsking for the world to get educated on infertility, and acknowledge that it isn't just a women-centric issue. Infertility affects men too! And men need just as much support!

We move through life with a smile on our face, and heads held high, because there is no other option. You don't stop living your life because of struggle... you work through it. "Be brave." I remind myself constantly. "Be patient." I work on daily. "Be happy." I choose every moment I can. The choice to be happy is one I don't take lightly. There are a lot of ways to be happy on this earth, and although I know parenthood will bring me much joy, there are other things in my life that do the same, and I am unwilling to ignore them. The pain is real, but so is the joy in fully living the life I've been blessed with.

I wasn't always this way. In fact I remember at 6 months freaking out, bawling my eyes out on the bathroom floor in a panic that I was never going to be a mother. The pain I felt then was a different pain. A panicked pain. A young pain. But as the years roll by, the pain has evolved. It's still there... and I still cry... but it's seasoned. It's hard to describe... but when you repeat something so frequently, and continue to get the same result, you become more immune. This isn't to say I'm not saddened by my experience, or that when I get my period it's no big deal... but somehow it isn't AS big of a let down as it once was. And I find that sad. I'm more sad about the fact that I'm not more sad, than just being sad about my circumstances. But the more I opened up, the more support I began to get. The more I talked about infertility, the more aware my friends and family became. Do I still from time to time get ignorant advice, comments or suggestions? Sure. Does it bother me? Sometimes... but what would bother me more, is for them to continue to be unaware of the journey Infertiles face daily. The realities of this horrible disease. I wrote an original poem inspired by this struggle.

EVERYDAY

You say to me; enjoy this time,

but this time of mine, I don't need, I'm fine

You say to enjoy the freedom I have,

but freedom I lack, I do not laugh

You say be brave, be patient and trust,

but trust is lost, and question I must

You say you believe, and feel you know,

but promise, you can't, and faith is slow

You say you miss the life I lead,

but what when life I lose and bleed

You say you care, you understand,

but each time I fall I find no hand

So what you need to see, I say,

is I hurt, I hope, I blame, I pray

Every Day

-written by Femme InFertile

So if someone you know or love opens up and is honest with you about their struggles, don't go for the quick fix, don't offer up your suggestions, but instead open up your hearts, minds, and arms and support them. Give them a hug. Tell them your there for them. Educate yourself so you understand what they're going through. Ask them if and how you can help. You never know what someone else is going through. Don't assume you do.

Resolve has some amazing resources if you want to learn more. Their goal is to raise awareness of the following:

• Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age 
• There are many ways to build a family
• Help reduce the stigma by bringing attention to the details/issues/costs surrounding all ways people diagnosed with infertility can build a family. 
• Understand when to seek the help of a specialist 
• Inspire others 

And to finish us off... I want to share one of my favourite resources. I'm sure I've shared it before, but if you know someone going through infertility, they need your love and support. But unless you've been through it, it can be hard to know what to do, and what not to do. Here is a great little cheat list to get you started.
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html

Beta Day, Zero Expectations

I so don't want to go in to do my beta. This time around I swore I'd stay on progesterone until I had my beta, and I did... so AF still hasn't come (which is surprising actually) but good indication that I have good absorption of the progesterone suppositories at least. Part of me is curious to see if any level of implantation happened, sure, but I'm just so emotionally sensitive, I don't want to deal with it all right now. I want to just forget about it temporarily.

I'll update later on how that all goes. Hoping to get to chat to the doc today about it, but not holding out a huge hope or anything. We are going away for the week tomorrow and that'll be an excellent distraction.

When we come back it's straight into NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week). I'll be blogging and entering the "Bloggers Unite Challenge" hosted by Resolve. I strongly encourage you to do the same! It's time to increase awareness, break down stigmas, and #StartAsking !!!

Direct link to details: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/bloggers-unite.html

Day 22 - 3dp5dt

Woke up this morning with AF like cramps. They've been coming and going, but laying there in bed I really felt the same way I do when waiting for the monthly witch to pay her visit.

My LP (luteal phase) is generally 12-13 days. I say generally because it used to be 11, and then increased to 12, and lately seems to be even better at 13... for the most part at least. Anyway, that means that 14dpo=cd1 of new cycle. Today is the equivalent to 8dpo and I therefore have 5 days left of my existing cycle (on a normal month at least) before AF is expected to rear her ugly head. To me this seems a bit early for this severity of cramping, just knowing my own body and such. But at the same time, if we look on the low end of one of my cycles, I'm just 3 days away from AF, and that's a little less far fetched. Ugh.

Kinda crappy to be feeling so crappy too. When I say I feel like my period is coming, I really do mean it. I just want a heating pad on my lower back/pelvic region to make me feel better but obviously that is a huge no go since if I am pregnant it could hurt/hinder implantation etc.

Boo. BOO BOO BOO!

Day 20 - 1dp5dt

Homme InFertile has fallen victim to my cold, poor guy. No one to blame but me. Looks like its going to be a lazy house this weekend. He's still being amazing about helping me out as much as possible... he doesn't seem to have gotten it quite as bad, perhaps because he didn't have a procedure to puncture his tenders we'll call them, and remove their contents at the same time.

Anyhoo... I'm continuing to improve, cough is persistent but overall definitely feeling quite a bit better "cold wise".

Now on to the whole lower portion...

Been a bit achy today in the ovaries. I know that they're shrinking back down to size and recovering, but the achy/crampy feeling isn't overly pleasant. I had some weird moments as well today where I have pulling... its like a pulled muscle between my ovaries and center line/belly button area (but lower), but the pulling is up/down (not side/side)... clearly hard to explain what I'm trying to say. Only have it on the left side mainly (a small little episode on the right when I stood up once, but nothing since). I'm wondering if it's implantation, or radiating pain from the ovary... 

I'm also very VERY tired today. I have been laying around all day and then went and took an epic, full on asleep rem nap mid afternoon. Was out for a good while. And yet, feel like I could go for another one. Or like bedtime can't come soon enough. I also have been feeling sort of light-headed/foggy with weird little dizzy moments when I turn my head too fast (even while laying down). So that's a bit odd too. And finally, I'm peeing a ton, but that I have an explanation for since I'm making sure to take in as much fluids as possible to stay hydrated, healthy, and attractive to my embabies. 

On a tmi note, straining a bit still to go to the washroom. I'm sure many going through IVF can relate that you worry that the straining could somehow, in some way prevent implantation. I know that's not the case, but it still crosses the mind. That's the horrid thing about the 2ww. You think you have control over the outcome by every little thing you do - what you're eating (warming foods, bromeline rich pineapple etc), how warm your keeping yourself, as if one small misstep will lead to a bfn. Unfortunately, its in the universe's hands. 

One thing I heard that really helped me snap out of that funk, and a mantra I remind myself each day is:

"If doing or not doing any of these things would prevent pregnancy, then women who were avoiding pregnancy would be doing them! But that's just not the case. A woman who doesn't want to be pregnant can't un-pregnate herself no matter how hard she tries, so quit being so darn hard on yourself!"

I really thought though that going through this 2ww I wouldn't be going crazy, yet here I am, a day in, and nuts already! I feel pretty hopeful, but I know that'll ebb and flow as the days go by. 

Day 18

Improvements abound! So I've been sick with a rotten cold all week (which is teetering on bronchitis which I used to get every time I came down with a cold no matter what) but seem to be on the upswing... FINALLY. My nose is no longer a leaky faucet, and my throat no longer on fire. I have, however, developed a nasty cough and am kind full of mucus. Yuk. But... still... improvement nonetheless. 

So I woke up and was definitely feeling improved from yesterday even. Not great. Not better. But improved. Going from sitting to standing was no longer as involved, and walking didn't feel like agony... I was able to pick up my pace. Also, I finally went #2 today. Yay! This was literally cause for celebration I kid you not. If you hadn't done your business in roughly 5 days... you'd understand. That helped alleviate a good amount of discomfort as well obviously.

We had to go deal with tax stuff today, so I was really happy I felt in good enough shape to do so. Then I went home and promptly took a long nap. I woke up only in time to go to acupuncture, which also felt like a big adventure (2 in 1 day!! look at me go!) and make my way home to the couch where I haven't moved from... and it's 8pm and I want to go to bed. So I'm certainly not 100% but feeling happy that the worst seems to be over with.

That being said, tomorrow is transfer day.

I'm so friggin nervous.

So for one, I have to get yet another IV because I'm going under anesthesia. This will be my 4th IV in a very very short time frame. Everyone's been really gentle so I don't have bruising which is nice... so shouldn't be the end of the world, just over it obviously.

Also, I still haven't made a final decision 1 vs. 2. I think I'll wait to see what they're graded as. If we have one stellar one that is off the charts, maybe we just transfer that one. But if we have a lot that are great, but not excellent/stellar/off the charts.... I dunno... maybe 2. It'll be a game time decision and I just dont' like that pressure.

Finally, Once my transfer happens I'm officially in the 2ww. I know technically some might consider me already being in it... but for me, until the embryo is in my body... I don't feel that way. And once I'm in the 2ww, the fear of a negative outcome sets in. I'm so fearful of finding out the result of this cycle. I almost just want to avoid it altogether somehow, but obviously that's impossible. It's like that movie click - can I just fast-forward to the good part? :(

Anyways... expecting a pretty restless sleep this evening, and can't eat/drink after midnight against. Must not forget. Wish me luck, and send me all the positive sticky bean vibes you can muster. 

Day 17

Fertilization update call came through today. Nurse Leslie informed us that all 16 embryos were still developing, and the 10th egg put to be naturally fertilized decided to catch up! So we now have 17 total! Crazy!

Of the 7 that were fertilized with ICSI:
4 are 10 cell embryos
3 are 8 cell embryos

Of the 10 that were fertilized naturally:
7 are 10 cell embryos
1 is 9 cell
1 is 8 cell
1 is 7 cell

Today I've made very slight progress. I showered and we went for a walk in Central Park with the dog. It was really cold out, but overall a nice day. Funny to think that when we move to Houston in September I won't have to deal with the chilly bone cutting wind of the NE Coast anymore. Instead, I'll just be sweating I guess...
I tried having a coffee today to help the whole bathroom situation move along. Not so helpful, but keeping the faith. In terms of my cold/flu... I'm definitely on the upswing, but just barely. So I'm still feeling quite under the weather, and now developing a cough (instead of the leaky faucet nose) but hoping I can heal up quicker now that my body actually seems to be recovering from the procedure. My body is working overtime that's for sure.

We got the call about our transfer for Friday as well. Initially the nurse had no idea we planned for me to be put under for the procedure. She had to hang up and talk to my doc. Kind of annoys me that if I weren't so on top of it and knowledgeable about the pre-anesthesia "shpeel" then I wouldn't have picked up on that fact and we would have been hooped. Anyways, I did notice, and she called back to confirm that's the plan and changed our time. So we go in at 930am Friday for a 1030am transfer.

All I need to figure out now is are we transferring 1 or 2 embryos... I literally cannot decide. I flip flop every five seconds. I know the doc would prefer to put only 1, and my DH would prefer to put only 1, but both support me putting 2. I'm trying really hard to listen to my gut but unfortunately it's like radio silence. Hoping to have clarity on this before Friday. 

Day 16

Still sick and sore... and totally over it. Why can't I just feel better already!?

I do seem to be on the mend cold/flu wise... at least seems that way this morning. My nose isn't quite as runny, and I don't feel as foggy. In terms of my post-procedure pain, not sure. Just took some tylenol so perhaps that's helping, but little by little it seems to be getting better. But I'm talking minuscule sloth-like progress. I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and magically feel like myself again, but morning after morning am disappointed.

My volleyball team has first round of playoffs tonight and of course I can't go. If we progress to Thursday semi-finals (and hopefully finals), I would love to be able to play, but I also really don't want to push/risk it before transfer day Friday. Lame, as I could really use a little activity, but that seems like a pipe dream at this point.

I had really forgotten how bad and long the recovery from egg-retrieval can be. Maybe it's because this time I had double the amount of eggs, but seriously, not fun, and I was whole-fully unprepared. So here you go...

Things to expect in recovery after IVF ER (egg-retrieval):

• pain - if you experience ovulation pain, its quite similar but worse obviousy.
• bloating - expect to look and feel pregnant already... it may be sensitive to the touch.
• gas - probably a root cause of the above, but embarrassing and uncomfortable.
• constipation - I'd really love to use the washroom. I read someone compare it to birthing a final egg that just didn't get retrieved and refuses to make its way into this world, and that's exactly how I feel. Also probably a cause of the three above.
• fluctuating appetite - moments of nausea, followed by a ravenous need to eat protein.
• anxiety - wondering if you're one of the ladies who is experiencing OHSS... you hypochondriac you...
• anticipation - seriously the embryo update calls get you all in a funk... tomorrow update #2 can't come soon enough.

I'm sure there are plenty more. If you have anything to add... feel free to comment and I'll update!

I do have to say though. Homme InFertile has been taking good care of me. I don't know what I would have done if I had of needed to go back to work, or if he was working. He's been taking such good care of me that I've basically been on bed rest. I could get used to that part ;)

Day 14

Retrieval day!!!

SOooo I woke up with my head cold which had gotten worse overnight. I give thanks to little to no rest due to lightning/thunder followed by sirens, followed by wind, followed by cramps and nerves keeping me awake. I literally had nightmares of ovulating all my eggs out and going in for retrieval and there being nothing to retrieve. (spoiler alert... this was not the case). So its no surprise I was a little overtired and feeling pretty crummy when I woke up.

Anyways, we headed in to the clinic bright and early. We had to be there for 830, and our retrieval was scheduled for 930. We sat in the waiting room for a while as woman after woman was taken back. Seeing them come back out assured me they were just here for check-ups. Anyways, we were finally brought back shortly after 9am, and I changed in to my sexy gown and rubber soled socks.

First the embryologist came in to discuss my "fertilization plan" which she said, although good in theory, simply wasn't practical. She explained to me that when they natural fertilization they do not clean the eggs and minerals or whatever around them, so they can't know how many are "mature" at that point. With ICSI the eggs are washed before they are fertilized so they do. So unfortunately we had to throw my entire plan out the window. I was kind of annoyed since I emailed the doc (on holiday) in advance to see if this plan was feasible, and he assured me it was, and even the nurses confirmed it, so I thought it was all good to go. I was just too overwhelmed to make a decision so made her and Homme InFertile make the new plan for me. So we settled on doing a direct split of whatever we got and going 1/2 and 1/2. Simple enough.

Today I had yet another new doc. Again, this has been annoying for me since I was so excited to be at a clinic where each and every time (almost... ) I'd get my actual doctor. Well this ended up being far from the case, but the good news is the doctor doing my retrieval was a huge teddy bear and absolute sweetheart. So in the end, whatever. I just keep reminding myself to have FAITH that it will all work out, and this is exactly how its supposed to be going. It's kept me a bit calmer I think.

The anesthesiologist was different from last time as well. Very sweet. I was out very quickly in the room again. So strange to know its coming. So here's the funny part, and still a grand mystery. I BELIEVE I woke up in the operating room just as we were finishing up, and INSISTED that I lift myself off the table onto the trolly bed. If you watch the video you'll hear me talking about it, but I'm pretty sure I probably went to throw myself off the table and they all rushed to lift me. Ahhhh good times.
And next thing I was waking up in my room with Homme InFertile by my side. He video taped me and I can honestly say I don't remember anything up until "Rock Star" ... I was calling my anesthesiologist a rock star for her timing of when I woke up on the table. I get very weird on sleepy meds. For your viewing pleasure...

In terms of the procedure, found out I had 20 eggs retrieved. I was thrilled of course, as I really wasn't sure what to expect since one day they found 17 follicles, and the next 22... so 20 sounded perfect.

In terms of recovery I was in a lot of pain and requested some extra pain meds. That helped and was able to get some fluids and snap out of my fog brain. When we got home I had lots of cramps and bloating. My appetite fluctuated from non-existent to famished. I made sure to get lots of rest and fluid and was basically a couch potato the entire day. My cold continued on as well which sucked, but I napped and am hoping to feel better soon.

Before bed I stared my progesterone suppositories (read someone who used their unused pre-seed applicators so gave that a try.... I recommend just using your finger personally), as well as my estrace. Really feels like I'm in the 2ww even though I haven't had the transfer. I guess technically ER day is like O day so technically, TECHNICALLY, I am. 

Day 13

ALL DONE SHOTS!!!!!! Yipee. Homme InFertile gave me my trigger last night and all went well. Now we wait.

So today is a lazy day. Because I'm at risk for OHSS I'm on self-prescribed bed rest. My ovaries just hurt too much when I walk so I'm talking it very VERY easy. I feel like a total lazy slob but its what I feel I need, so I'm just honoring that.

Tomorrow a.m. I go in for my egg retrieval. Not too too nervous about it, very relieved to be being put to sleep for it, and less scared of that whole process since I did it for the endometrial biospy. Homme InFertile finally has a job to do... time to step up to the plate... or uhhh cup I guess ;) haha. At least I think I'm funny ;)

Anyways, neighbour is practicing his saxophone and it is utterly beautiful. Turned off the TV and just listening to it with the windows open. NYC living at its finest.

Super excited to hear about how many eggs (mature and otherwise) they get tomorrow, and more importantly how many fertilize. I got all cray cray and gave a very detailed plan for fertilization. Here it is...

18+ Mature Eggs                   1/2 and 1/2 (rounding up to Natural ie. if 19 mature, 10 natural fert, 9 icsi)

16-17 Mature Eggs                8 ICSI, remainder NATURAL

12-15 Mature Eggs                7 ICSI, remainder NATURAL

8-11 Mature Eggs                  6 ICSI, remainder NATURAL

7 or less Mature Eggs           ALL ICSI

My ideal (but as realistic as I can be) situation is as follows:

• Eggs retrieved: 20
• Mature Eggs: 18
• Attempt Fertilization: 9 ICSI, 9 Natural
• Fertilization Successfully: 6 ICSI, 6 Natural
• Make it to day 5: 4 ICSI, 4 Natural

That would mean we'd have 8 total to work with. Don't feel I need much more than that! 

Again, this is a very ideal (but hopefully realistic) outcome! I have no idea how my eggs will fertilize naturally. In the past the ICSI fertilized at about 1/2 rate (we got 7 mature eggs, 4 fertilized) and although we put 2 in on day 3, the other 2 made it to day 5, so its possible if they fertilize well more could progress.... 

Anyways. Time will tell. I'm getting ahead of myself... I'm just excited!

Day 11 (day 9 stimms)

Intralipid time...

So today was a gloriously lazy day. Without my friend in town, I turned into the ultimate couch potato.. and unapologetically so. Hubby was super sweet and brought me to my intralipid appointment and hung out with me.

When we got there, the nurse brought me into the room (hubby had to wait outside) to hook me up to the IV. I got super lightheaded when she did it, even though she was super gentle, so I had to spend a bit of time slightly inverted to get blood flow back. Once I was hooked up she brought Homme InFertile in and we set up the laptop to watch a movie.

We rented a documentary for 99c, not because we're cheap but because it intrigued me, it was called Barista and was about 4 individuals headed to national barista championship competition. It was pretty good, and passed the time nicely.

In terms of the intralipid itself, my hand got a little numb/cold from laying it so straight and not moving it for so long.

Also the intralipids made me super sleepy so I really had to struggle to stay awake. All I wanted to do was sleep. Though I'm not sure if that's just me catching up from the busy days with my friend in town. I'm still super sleepy and its only 830pm but I have to wait up until 9pm to do my shots. Oh goodness I'm getting old haha.

Anyways, fingers crossed that the intralipids do the trick and we're successful. I'm back to being super bloated/constipated so I kinda waddle when I walk. Every step feels like a ton of bricks in my ovaries crashing around... not so pleasant. I go back in to the clinic tomorrow for ultrasound and bloodwork to see progress from Wednesday. I feel like theres definite progress, but that could just be the constipation bloat. Who's to say. We'll have to wait and see. I'm super nervous/excited to find out how things are moving along. Part of me doesn't want to trigger tomorrow, because my doc is back at work Monday, and if we trigger Saturday instead then he'll be able to do my retrieval himself. Just would give me more piece of mind, but I'm trying really hard to just have faith. 

Day 10 (8 stimms)

DAY 10 - day 8 stimms
Ganirelix done. Check.
Ultrasound done. - - -> My 21 follicles lowered to 17 (I guess some of the 5mms just dissipated). Disappointing, but still solid. Hoping all 17 hold strong.
BW done. - - -> Good to continue with same dosages, and am going back in Friday for another check up. I'll probably be ready to trigger Friday night it looks like. That'll make retrieval Sunday, Transfer Wednesday or Friday of next week.

I had another different doc today. I guess it truly does take a village. I liked her a lot better. Might try requesting her for my Friday appointment and retrieval. She just had a much warmer demeanor in my humble opinion.

Was so fun having my friend in town to distract me, but now she's left just as I was getting more uncomfortable and closer to the finish line. I am a bit relieved to have some down time. I feel like I'm just going to hermit it up for the next little while through our trigger, retrieval, and transfer.

We found out we might have to go back up to Canada while our new USA visas are processed, which is a bit of a pain in the butt. Maybe we'll do it during the 2ww. That'll make for a good distraction I figure. Problem is, if they want us going sooner rather than later the timing is tricky and may be a quick turn around situation. That's fine too, and maybe better if it means I can fly instead of having to drive. No chance I'd risk flying in the 2ww. No sir.

I go in for my intralipids tomorrow. Really nervous about that. No clue what to expect, and who in their right minds likes IVs? No one. I'm hoping Homme InFertile can join me and we can cuddle up and watch a movie. We haven't really had any alone/chill time since my friend was in town. I wanted to be respectful to her as she's single and I know it can be hard being around super lovey dovey couples (which we are, but just not in public). So soaking up some cuddles tonight. 

Days 9 (7 stimms)

DAY 9 - day 7 stimms
Just another day in stimming paradise... or hell... whatever way you personally feel about it. For me, I'm trying to feel as much gratitude for being in a position to be able to be as proactive as we are. I'm grateful for 21 follicles growing. I'm grateful for the financial ability to do a cycle. I'm grateful for being unemployed and being able to focus fully on fertility. It helps a little to think of all the things I'm thankful for as my belly becomes increasingly bruised and my ovaries more and more bloated/painful.

Today was Homme InFertile's Birthday. 31! Wasn't anything overly special, but he had been wanting to check out this place Katz in NY (a staple) so we did lunch there, and while he went bowling with my friend visiting, and his friend who's also unemployed until they start their new jobs, I went to acupuncture. She seemed impressed at how well I've been doing/feeling, so that made me feel even better about everything... if that was possible.

I called to schedule my appointments for the next day (bw/us and intralipids) and got a lecture on how I was supposed to book intralipids weeks ago. I don't want to go into the nitty gritty of the conversation, as I'm trying to let it go, but basically instead of simply telling me unfortunately at this point there wasn't an appointment time left for Wednesday, but I could go Thursday instead (which I would have been totally chill and fine with... my bad for not calling earlier), I instead was told that I wasn't being responsible for not calling weeks in advance, and that's generally when people book these, and there are no appointments for today. So naturally I freaked out thinking I wouldn't be able to get an intralipid appointment time for 2 weeks, and thus started to cry. See I believe the intralipids are what could make or break this cycle so my mind started racing a million miles a minute. I just wish she would have handled the conversation a little nicer and preceded the lecture with "I can fit you in tomorrow" at bare minimum. No one told me the precedent on timing to book intralipids, and all other appointments I have been making a day or two in advance. Without this knowledge, how was I supposed to know any different, especially after checking on Monday that they received my intralipid medication, and that all was good for Wednesday... which clearly it was not. Grrr. Very different "service" level in the U.S. from Canada. They try and make it as stress-free as possible, where as in the states, its all on you the patient at an already overwhelming stressful time. Kind of silly, but cultural differences I suppose.

Shake it off.

Later we went out to a nice dinner followed by Les Miserables on Broadway which was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!! So great!

I had to push my evening injections to 10:15pm (I normally do at 9pm) as I wasn't sure how I'd go about timing it, doing it in the bathroom at the theatre, not to mention bringing the injections and keeping them cold (the gonal-f needs to stay in the fridge). It was all too stressful, so I just did it a little later. RE said it was fine if they weren't exactly at the same time, although that is ideal. FX all is well. I'm sure I'm not the first patient to do an injection an hour off schedule one day.

Anyhoo. Shots were less painful than the previous day which was nice. I'm a pro now it seems, although I still friggin hate my ganirelix injection which I'm delaying taking as I write this. Boo.

Days 3-6 (1-4 of stimms)

DAY 3 - day 1 stimms (p.m. only)
So I've clearly not been keeping up my blogging duties, but I've definitely been busy busy with all the injections and pill taking.

So first night of stimms I was so so nervous. Like, had no clue I would feel that way given I had done it before. I wasn't nervous to actually give myself the needles so much as just mess it up somehow. My hubby took some video of me doing it all which I might try and cut down and post below at some point if I get a chance, but forgive me if it never happens as I'm a little distractible at the moment and the full video is like 20 minutes long since I was such a nervous wreck.... No one wants to watch 20 minutes of me pouting haha.

:) possible video placeholder :)

I got it all done in the end and went to bed feeling pretty proud of myself. Plus... we had officially begun our cycle of IVF stimms and I was looking forward to moving forward. Yay.

DAY4 - day 2 stimms (p.m. only)

I woke up day 4 (day 2 of stimms) feeling pretty a.o.k. I didn't sleep great, a bit of tossing and turning as the meds started coursing through the ole body. I went about my day quite normally. Then Homme InFertile got the call. HE GOT A JOB!!! So if you've been following my blog you might know that we are Canadians who moved down to New York for his job. Well, oil and gas markets essentially crashed and the company layed off his whole team (and many others). Since he was sponsored to work, and that job no longer existed, we were in fear of being deported. All this as we had started IVF. Ridiculous amount of stress. All of that was lifted with one phone call. Phew. That being said, we're Houston, TX bound next. His whole team got picked up so we'll be moving with people we know which is nice... and best of all is that we get another 6 months in New York while they ramp up coverage. That means I get time to finish IVF (and a frozen if needed) before leaving, as well as take time to say goodbye to this great city and do all the things off my NY bucket list before we go! So great! 

So we were off to the boss' to celebrate... just one hitch. I had to do my shots. Luckily everyone knows our situation so I just brought them along for the champagne toast and shot myself up in their living room. Infertility accommodates no one ;) 

I feel it necessary to include a little commentary here on that whole situation though in case you find yourself in a similar circumstance. Now know, although my husband works with these guys, 1 of them knows me better than the other, and neither of them are overly familiar with me yet, so comfort levels aren't incredibly high. One guys wife, although very sweet, I also don't know all that well... so this wasn't exactly a group of close friends if you get what I'm saying...

So what I found interesting was their curiosity and wanting to look/stare, but their blatant efforts to not! I tried to crack a few jokes to make everyone more comfortable, and they gave me a few kind chuckles to break the awkwardness, but you could definitely sense they didn't know how to act. Totally fair. Now I could have gone off to the bathroom and done it in privacy sure. But I'm pretty stubborn and believe I shouldn't have to hide my life. I don't do it in the bathroom at home. I do it in the comfort of my living room, perched on the couch (or in my bed for the morning shot this morning that I'm writing). Not only that, but I WANT them to see what it's all about. I WANT people to understand what an infertile or person going through IVF goes through, because for the most part, it happens behind closed doors, and under hushed voices. Me? Infertile here loud and proud. I refuse to let someones discomfort with it be the reason I don't educate and break down the stigmas. So there you have it. Everyone in that room now knows exactly what IVF injections look like, and what the woman has to go through with organizing, timing, mixing (lupron/menopur I'm looking at you!) and actually self-injecting. 

DAY5 - day 3 stimms (p.m. only) 

Today my friend arrived from out of town. I went for acupuncture beforehand, and the hubs and I went for a game of pool with one of his other unemployed but soon to be re-employed colleagues. I was still feeling pretty good, although a little more bloated and uncomfortable again today. Acupuncture seemed to have helped a bit there... I listened to circle and blooms IVF program while I had it done. Ahhhhh. 

When my friend got in we were able to go grab a quick bite before having to head home for my nightly shot. Once again, I know she felt discomfort. This is a friend I know very very well, and have been friends with for years, but we haven't lived in the same city since we were 18 (we're 31) and although we know each other very well, the comfort level may not be the same as it would be if we were around each other more often. Once she realized we could joke through it, and it didn't have to be a big serious thing, she loosened up, but it was interesting for me to see the same sort of behaviours and reactiosn as the previous night with Homme InFertile's work colleagues, as I did with a close friend. Huh. 

DAY6 - day 4 stimms (a.m. & p.m.)

Woke up this a.m. knowing I had to add Ganirelix to my regimen. Wasn't so worried about it. No biggie. No mixing... no adding/changing needle heads. It's prepared for me and ready to rock and roll. WELL...... little did I recall this is the little guy that stings like a ... well stings bad lets just put it that way! I forgot the little trick that my last clinic/nurse taught me of pre and post icing. I just went in without a care in the world. Ouch!!! My stomach was quite red and a large circumference stung. I grabbed ice and remembered it was my friend, making a mental note for all mornings to come.

We spent the day out and about. Homme InFertile had to go meet with new boss for lunch, and a few other things came up for him, so it was just my friend and I out playing tourist. I got to do some things in NY I had really wanted to do for some time (aka boating on the lake in Central Park, and taking the boat cruise around the Statue of Liberty). We came home, had some down time, played a board game and I took my evening shots before heading out again. 

Well... evening shots have taken a turn. A dark, dark turn. Eep. I dunno if it's because of the added morning shot or what, but my evening shots SUCKED. Not only was my stomach all of a sudden way more sensitive, but about 10 minutes after taking them I looked 4 months pregnant. I'm a pretty skinny minny, so I understand this doesn't look like much, but I'm generally completely flat. The bloating was sooooo painful. Felt like my insides might pop like a balloon if I sticked myself with another needle. 

But the show must go on so we went out for dinner where I stuffed myself further and felt even more bloated, and then showed my friend Time Square before heading home and me collapsing in bed in pain. Hosting during IVF apparently is a no go ;) I should have known, but at the same time, the distraction is kind of nice.