Bad things come in 3s...

Wow... well the last 48 hours have been a little emotional to say the least. 3... I repeat, 3 friends had their babies. 3! In 48 hours. Well, that's not accurate. 3 friends ANNOUNCED their babies' arrivals in the last 48 hrs. Same difference to me though.

That's hard. I knew it was coming. I knew late January to early February was going to be full of new babies... and it sure was. Some of the others weren't as painful, since they weren't as close of friends, but these ones hurt. Maybe because 2 of them are those people's 2nd child, and they tried conceiving their first around the same time we started trying or after even. So it stings. To think we could have a 4 year old running around, and a second newborn....ugh. Could is misleading, because I can't, clearly.

This isn't meant to be a woah is me post, but I sure do feel a little bit that way today. It's hard. I'm emotional.

Not helping is the fact that I still don't have results from the lab for my biopsy. I try and convince myself that no results are good... that if something really bad came up, they'd have contacted me much faster. But the truth is you never know. Maybe they're double checking their findings before telling me I have cancer. Maybe something came up abnormal and they had to run additional tests. Who the hell knows!? (if you do, feel free to speak up haha).

My husband and I always say, we are grateful for the life we have led up until this point. As much as my heart aches for a child, I'm happy at the direction we're being taken in, and had we gotten pregnant right away, that wouldn't have been the case. I know that. I believe that in my heart. So it gives me strength. And maybe in 2 more years, I'll look back on this time and feel the same way. But right now? While I'm in it? I certainly don't. I just want to know that all will turn out well. I want to be reassured that I too will have my happily ever after. But if I knew, where would the lessons be learned?

I have to trust. It's just hard today.

To PGS or to NOT PGS... that is the question...

So I count myself incredibly fortunate to not only have amazingly supportive, intelligent friends to discuss my infertility journey with, but also one in particular who not only once upon a time offered her own womb to grow my child (you kidding me!? amazing) but who is also a genetic counsellor. Let's call her Genetic Gina. Genetic Gina is super smart, always has been. I've known her since primary school, though I recall our friendship really blossoming in grade 8. Genetic Gina has always been someone I could count on for good, solid, well thought out, and logical advice, and yesterday was no different.

Now I don't like to take advantage of my friends, so was hesitant to reach out at first, but knowing she's also not one to pry into my personal life (she herself is very private), I felt that if I didn't just ask we'd likely never talk about it. So I texted her to see if she'd be open to having a phone date to discuss the pros/cons of PGS and what her thoughts were for my particular circumstance. She of course said yes, which I was super grateful for.

Now most of my friends have no idea all the terminology and vocabulary used in IVF and fertility/infertility etc. Genetic Gina is of course different, working specifically in a fertility clinic as a genetic counsellor. So its such a nice experience to talk to a professional, who is also your very dear friend who has a vested interest in your outcome.

We started out by me explaining that it is something we are considering given our "unexplained" diagnosis. At least, unexplained recurrent IVF embryo implantation failure...
So I said that our doc believes in immune issues and I really believe that's a source of my personal problem, even knowing she's very logic/science driven and probably herself doesn't stake much weight in intralipids etc. I skimmed over it quite quickly and explained that should that testing come back negative, we are strongly considering PGS, and wanted to know if its something I should consider regardless.

Her take was basically that if I was willing to do more than the 2 cycles I'm planning (1 fresh, 1 frozen) she'd say maybe not due to the high cost and our young age. But since I'm only planning on stimming once more and then doing a frozen transfer if needed, she suggested that if I have a high yield of embryos that it would pinpoint the best place to start and would be a good way of ensuring the best possible outcome. Ultimately, if I get 10 or so eggs and we have the money, she says go for it. If we only have 5-8 eggs she says maybe consider doing an additional cycle instead. All really good advice and hard to put into words on this blog.

Anyways, a lot of our decision is going to be based on how our tests come back, and how our yield is. So its really just sit and wait until we know more at this point. But I definitely have a better sense of my plans based on various IF___ THEN___ scenarios. And on top of that I know I have her to chat to about my decisions anytime!

Just feel pretty grateful right now.

PS> if any of you are interested, here are some articles about PGS/PGD that she forwarded me to help me make an informed decision.

xx