Due Date Season

Do you ever have those spells where it feels like everyone is pregnant but you?

Well when my hubby and I got back into a routine of actively TTC, it seemed like everyone else got the urge, but yet they were all successful. Well guess what!? Now its due date season. I have literally about 6 people I know due within the next 2 months. Salt on the wound thinking I could have been too... regardless of knowing I'm "infertile."

What sucks even more is that I'm on hold until after the new year fertility treatment wise. The clinic I'm going to is undergoing renovations, which is quite nice actually... new offices to get check ups etc. in... but that means for the next month I'm at a stand still. Never feels good to be frozen in place. Movement forward in the direction of our dreams is what keeps us infertiles sane. Speaking for myself at least...

The holidays are extra hard. All that's on my christmas wish list is a positive pregnancy test. Although I may not feel like that's so much to ask, I know it is. I often really wonder what my destiny is. How does everything turn out. So I ask... Who? Well I have a little secret ... I read tarot cards and am an empath and intuitive. I have guessed genders with pretty astonishing accuracy. I told a friend worrying about getting pregnant that she would get pregnant at 4 months... and then she did, another that she would struggle but eventually conceive (wrote this one down... never a good idea to tell someone its going to be hard), numerous times known others were pregnant before their announcements, and even gone so far as to know the instant a friend went into labour! I'm not trying to convince you of my gifts, but to give a little merit into why I believe in myself at least. And for whatever reason, I've been blessed with extra-sensory surrounding pregnancy and births. Really? Not like... lottery numbers or career or love advice... babies!!?!?!!?!? Of course! Because that is where my intention in life is currently. That's where my mind and focus goes. So naturally, that's the strongest.

So I've been asking my tarots for a long LONG time about my family situation. I never get the answer I want. For a long time I bargained, claiming that it would be unfair to see my own future, and  I know in general its difficult to read ones self as we're so subjective and biased, so perhaps its wrong, I'd think. Doing so at least kept me from losing hope, and continuing to try.

Well finally the tides shifted, and I seem to be closer (according the cards that be). Doesn't claim anything immediate, but makes me feel like it may be sooner than later. It was pretty exciting, as I do my best to not see what I want or hope for in the cards, but instead, what's actually present. But that won't make the holidays any easier. The christmas cards of all my friends' families (who started trying well after we began trying and now have 2+ children...) are flooding in. I put them on my fridge because I love my friends and I love their children... I don't want to miss out on these memories and precious years. But it does hurt. Crazy how a person has such a capacity to hurt so badly and yet love so fully all at once.

This year its just hubby and me. We're staying in New York and I hope to make the absolute most of it. Because I know my real true wishes are nothing short of miracle worthy, I'm throwing in a back-up wish of a White Christmas. I'd love nothing more than to go Ice Skating and drink hot cocoa on Christmas Day surrounded by a white winter wonderland with the man I love. I figure that's a doable wish to fulfill to those wish deliverers up above...

What are you wishing for this year? How do you handle the holiday season? Whatever it is... I hope your dreams come true and you start 2016 with a happy and full heart. Blessings to you all!

Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and/or Happy New Year to you all!

Things you learn being an infertile...

So I came across a post today "10 Things I never knew before experiencing Infertility". You can see the original post here:

Anyways... It got me thinking about what I've learned since starting this journey. So here's my list:

1) My husband is my rock
He is experiencing the same pain as me, and no one knows my struggle better than him. Something can happen or be said, and without words, he'll look at me, and I know he understands. This support is crucial to my sanity.

2) Life is NOT a movie! Or a TV show! Or anyone else's life for that matter....
A lot of movies and TV shows have accidentally pregnancies with happily ever afters! And often the story lines are insanely unrealistic and idealistic. This is not only painful to watch, but a total piss-off in general when we see/hear enough of this in real life already.  Life is not a movie people! We are all on our own journeys, and we all have our own stories to tell. Everyone struggles, but maybe in different ways and at different times. You, me, we... we're not alone!

3) It is possible to be simultaneously happy and insanely jealous at the same time
No joke... I always thought it was one or the other. Truth be told... I can physically cry happy-sad tears. So weird.

4) My moods are so much more linked to my reproductive cycle than I'd like to admit.
Okay, so we all know we get cranky at "that time", but did you know that you also feel "sexy" at one time, and more "attractive" at said time, and somewhat more "hungry" at this time. There are a LOT of "times" in a cycle... and become pretty predictable when you chart for years.

5) Hope is cruel and yet a complete and utter necessity.
If I didn't have hope, I wouldn't break down like I do. But if I didn't have hope, I'd also have given up a long long time ago. Hope is what keeps me going, moving towards my goal. But it is also what crushes me time and time again.

6) When you stop and focus on yourself, you learn so much about who you are as a person
I always knew I wanted to be a mother... this was a goal of mine since I was 16. I knew I was meant to be a parent, and wanted to do it young. But there is so much more to me, and I let that slip away little by little. Re-focusing on myself allowed me to rediscover just how awesome I am. Take my word for it... I'm awesome. And so are you!

7) You have to love yourself before someone there is space for others to love you.
Okay so this is a big one... For starters this is linked to #6 above... that's step one. But the more you learn about yourself, the more you need to accept, honor and love yourself. I believe had I been successful right out of the gate, I would never have had such a fulfilling and happy life. Taking this time to know and love ME, has made me realize that I want that for my child always and forever. I never want them feeling like they NEED something or someone to MAKE them happy. This goes for love, a job, and one day, for them too, children. Do I believe having a child will bring so much joy and fulfillment to my life, ABSOLUTELY! But that alone is not enough. I need to share my joys and passions with them when they do make their way into this world, and I need to model self-love... so I need to develop that in myself first!!!

8) Being vulnerable does NOT mean being weak. 
For me, it means being honest and open to support. Without my support network, I would not survive. Opening up, and admitting when I'm feeling hurt or sad, has allowed a level of respect and empathy from those around me I never expected. 

9) Once you reach one goal, a new one feels out of reach. 
So this has only recently popped up for me. For some random reason, I have this deep rooted feeling that very soon I will be a mother. I have no founded reason for this. It's just an intuition and I could be embarrassingly wrong. BUT, my point is, that now that I believe I can get pregnant, I'm worrying about pregnancy and the child I will bear. What if something goes wrong? What if my child has a disability. There is ALWAYS something to worry about. so......

10) Life isn't lived, but if lived in the moment.
Further to the above, I've learned that above all else, looking and reaching forward stops me from living in the moment, being present, and having gratitude for all that I do have and cherish. Yes I want a child, and I will never stop working towards that goal. But I chose to live for today, and make the most of it while I'm here. 

bonus #11 - If I would want it for my child, I need to want it for myself. Practice what you preach!

xo

Testing Testing 1 2 3

Overload of information at our appointment! Long and short? Public health care sucks. Or our previous clinic did... take your pick! Basically he confirmed that we really knew nothing about our care... and not only that, but he really had to read through the lines at the information included in our file. 

Case and point, it stated poor ovarian reserve, but then contradicted itself saying poor outcome regardless of good ovarian response. 

Anyways, we were super happy with our new doctor. He seems extremely knowledgeable, and compassionate towards our situation. He seems determined to find what the problem is, and isn't just masking it with "unexplained" and let's throw some IVF at it. That's not to say he doesn't think IVF is the best route for us, in fact the opposite, but he's just saying that he wants to treat us as precisely and thoughtfully as possible. Exactly what we wanted to hear.

So step one is a lot... I repeat A LOT of testing. On the day of our appointment I got some bloodwork drawn, we checked my lining thickness, and took a look at my ovarian reserve (which was indeed low). We also found a cyst which wasn't super surprising. 

Step two is for me to get a  ____ test, and the husband to see a urologist to find out if he has varicocele. 

Then, on a cycle that the timing works, I'll get a uterine biopsy done. Since I have an odd shaped path to the uterus he's going to sedate me so I'll sleep for the procedure. While there, he'll also do an SHG, and a trial run with the catheter to know what to do on transfer day. This is necessary because we've had difficult transfers in the past, possibly contributing to our negative outcomes.

Then I might get tested for Killer attack cells, and then hubby and I will get tested for DQ Alpha match to see if our genes are compatible. If I have killer attack cells then I'll likely do intralipid treatments. These tests are paid out of pocket (and not cheap) and yet the intralipid therapy is covered under insurance. Makes no sense... so we're half tempted to ask if its worth simply going ahead with intralipids regardless if I need them. Though with all my immune issues, I'm pretty confident that I do!

Hubby can also get tested for his sperm DNA fragmentation. If there is high fragmentation then the doc will suggest doing PICSI on fertilization day. We're going to ask if we can skip the first test, and just do PICSI regardless since both are paid out of pocket. Seems silly to test for something just to confirm or deny that we need it... and if needing it pay more out of pocket. might as well just pay for doing it, right?!

Anyways. That's all the testing we're looking at right now. He says depending on what everything turns up, he'd like to maybe only put 1 back in. Of course immediately I'm hesitant since our last two rounds of IVF we transferred 2 embryos each time with negative outcomes. He says he'll agree to 2 if I'm adamant. I was... but now I'm not so sure... I really believe in him, and trust him, and would rather not have to deal with the complications that can arise with twins, so feel inclined to just do 1 if we really think it'll work. 

I dunno.. brain is exploding with all the info.

Planning Priorities

Okay so a little bit of a vent here..  sometimes (okay MOST of the time) being infertile really frickin sucks. Not only is the stress and pain awful, but we also have to schedule schedule schedule. First we're scheduling sex. Then we're scheduling appointments. Then finally we schedule the actual cycles. Then schedule all the needles and bloodwork and follow ups ... it goes on and on... Our lives start feeling like they're not our own anymore.

Case in point. A good friend of mine is getting married in the New Year. Great! Exciting! So since I'm a photographer she is all but begging me to shoot her wedding. Would love to do that, BUT... and here's the BUT. I don't know if I can!?

So we're meeting with our fertility clinic next Friday (t-minus 10ish days) which I'm freaking excited for ... side tangent- my hubby and I laugh about how far we've come from that first fertility appointment. We're so comfortable with our infertility now that we walk into the clinics like no biggie, we're joking and laughing and going about our business like it's no big deal. This is not meant to be diminishing for anyone who finds them stressful- trust me, we've been there! But rather showing that for us it's become so much easier and commonplace. That first time we walked in I remember being on the constant verge of tears, and avoiding eye contact with anyone and everyone else in the room, dreading seeing a familiar face. Now I see those poor individuals and am grateful for how much strength I've been able to find. That's my gratitude for the day.

Anyways, so what's frustrating though is having to 1) wait for this appointment and now 2) have to wait to chat at the appointment to find out cycling dates to then decide if my friends wedding is even something I can attend, let along photograph! Fingers crossed I'd be pregnant by then, but if first round is unsuccessful, then 3) when would we do the second round? It puts all plans up in the air. A normal couple can just do the deed anywhere they go. Us? We have to be bound to needle schedules and ultrasound and bloodwork appointments. It just feels really unfair sometimes.

Okay rant done. 

An Original Poem: Every Day

You say to me; enjoy this time,

but this time of mine, I don't need, I'm fine

You say to enjoy the freedom I have,

but freedom I lack, I do not laugh

You say be brave, be patient and trust,

but trust is lost, and question I must

You say you believe, and feel you know,

but promise, you can't, and faith is slow

You say you miss the life I lead,

but what when life I lose and bleed

You say you care, you understand,

but each time I fall I find no hand

So what you need to see, I say,

is I hurt, I hope, I blame, I pray

Every Day

-written by Femme InFertile

Three Weeks

The countdown is officially on... and the wait is killing me. I knew that I wanted to choose a quality doctor with a long wait over a less experienced doctor with a short wait, and I feel good about my decision, but man alive is the wait torturous or what! I made this appointment what feels like months ago. I'm sure there's evidence in my blog to the contrary, but it definitely feels that way.

I guess I'm just in the headspace to start really trying again. We tried naturally for a number of months again recently and it felt like beating my head against a wall. I mean, when more advanced techniques don't work and your odds are so low naturally you kind of want to laugh at yourself for even being remotely hopeful. But I was, and then the heartache came back each month. I'd say the disappointment isn't any less, but because it has become the norm and expected, the lack of shock of another unsuccessful cycle means one less emotion to work through at least.

I'm so curious about this clinic. About this doctor. I was so frustrated with my prior doctor and him thinking so confidently that we really didn't need help. I hope this one believe in our struggle and actively pursues approaches that will stack our odds. I'll get a sense when I meet him. While doing my research I definitely just trusted my gut but now of course I'm questioning all that. I really wish I could connect with someone who has had a personal experience with Dr. Drew Tortoriello form Sher NYC, so if you have message me up! Or if you know someone... send them my way haha.

Anyways. I'm trying to get in the headspace again. I'm in this weird rush, but I don't know why. I just feel such an urgent need to move ahead with my life. I'm sure this is a landmark in the infertility journey that others have hit and know what I'm talking about. I'm just fed up with the lack of control I have over my own situation and my own destiny. At some point I just have to put my hands up and say I hand over the power. I just don't know how to do it. And maybe I won't until I feel full heartedly like I've done all I can in my power before then.

Once we have our consult, I'm sure we're going to be sent for more testing, and THAT I'm NOT looking forward to. I'll be sent for another HSG no doubt... that was less than pleasant, but I'll manage. But what I'm most curious about is when we will end up cycling. Will it be this year? Next year? It's really hard to say. Where's a crystal ball when you need it?!

Shh.. JUST Shhh...

I consider myself a pretty tough cookie. Tough enough to openly share my experiences, my hurt with just about anyone who wants to know. That being said, I'm still human, and I have good days and bad days like everyone else. I've learned to let a lot of things people say roll of my shoulders, chalking it up to them not knowing better, and meaning well. It can be annoying though, sure, and sometimes you just want to tell them SHHHHH. Sometimes though, you feel like you have to clobber a person with a mallet to get through to them, and still they don't understand. It's not their fault really. How could they understand something they've never been through. But I expect a bit of empathy and for them to at least understand that they don't understand.

We've all been there. A friend who knows the pain your suffering and still offers their unsolicited advice. My most recent interaction of the kind was with someone I consider a new friend. One that I'm not inclined to have a super close friendship with, but someone I'm okay hanging out with here and there considering our husbands work together and neither of us know many people in this busy but lonely city. We were over at their place for dinner and game night (they have an 8 month old). Perhaps she doesn't know that it's just hard enough being around their child, but then on top of it talking about our upcoming IVF brings up a lot of emotions. So when I explain to her that for our next run we're planning on putting 2 day 5 embryos in. That's the hope at least. She decides its her place to tell me the risk of multiples, and how I should really put 1 in. Oh really? Have you done two rounds with 2 embryos each time and paid thousands of dollars, and been pricked hundreds of times, and visited doctors weeks on end? Do you know what's best for me and my husband given all of this information? I didn't think so. But yet she did. 

Now here's where I get frustrated. The cool, level-headed side of me thinks "She doesn't know better, calmly explain to her where you're coming from". So I do. She doesn't take the hint and advises me to see what the doctors say this time. I explain to her that we've made our decision and I would love her to trust in it and support me. She goes on to express that she strongly disagrees given the risks and that its irresponsible of me to make my mind up about something like that. Words.... cannot.... express the anger that boiled up inside me. I started tearing up, told her (mmm... yelled at her?) to stop talking about things she doesn't understand and to leave it. She did. I could see the fear on her face. I could see she finally understood she stepped over the line. But the truth is she is so far past the line that this interaction should never have had to happen. But it does. It happens to us infertiles ALL THE DANG TIME! WHy? Because it's not expressed enough. Because there is such a misconception about it all. The fact is, that most of the time the people who struggle with infertility only really start to talk about their experiences once they've moved forward. They open up after they have a beautiful family, and share their memories of that difficult time like a distant story. So rarely do we share when it is most painful, and this right here is why. 

I recently saw a clip of Christy Turlington and Tyra Banks talking about their struggles. It made me ugly cry (it will you too, be warned). But I felt so thankful for them opening up and sharing this with the world. We need more of this. People need to know where the line is and start respecting it. 

What are your thoughts? Any horrible experiences as of late?